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how feelings change

N Updated
It is amazing how feelings of total love and devotion can change so quickly into feelings of hate. I had a lovely holiday with my daughter, mum and dad. It was just at the Cotswolds but it was such a relaxing, chilled out break. It was lovely knowing that I was going to bump into STBX and other woman. I was so relaxed my wedding anniversary came and went and I totally forgot about it. It helped me get my head in the right place ready to put my house on the market, which I have done today. My STBX has had several rants at me over the last few days, some over the house (he actually had the cheek to say bedrooms looked a mess in the pictures on estate agents website even though he didn't lift a finger to help get the house ready and my mum and I worked really really hard to get it all looking nice. The other rant was about our business. I made a mistake and forgot to order something, well can you blame me, I was getting ready to go on hols, husband has had an affair so now going through divorce having to sell home, getting home ready to sell, working, looking after 2 teenagers and trying to have my own life. I have now told him I am only going to do invoices and accounts and nothing else. This was his choice, he caused this and he wants to run the business on his own so get on with it. I cant believe what an ar..hole he is, was he always like this? He is certainly making it easier for me to get over the split. I even hid from him today so I wouldn't have to talk to him, I was in my bathroom, when he went I realised my shoes and keys were in hallway and backdoor was open. Rant over, night night everyone.

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Good for you Nicwin. I think you are handling it all very well. I am trying to take a leaf out of your book.

I too am wondering at how my feelings (and his!) have changed. I was asking myself today how I felt about him. I would like to say largely indifferent, but it's not true, because he still has the power to upset me. I try not to show it to him in the minimal contact we have. Examining my feelings further I find I am actually feeling quite sorry for him. I look back on certain episodes from the past and, knowing what I know now, I try to imagine how it must have felt to him. In the light of the gradual revelations about his lies over the years (about money and his inability to earn it, which he hid from me) I wonder at some of the conversations and rows we had, and cannot really imagine what on earth was going through his mind. But it can't have been good!

So when I was crying in the street because he had spent £1000 on a night in a suite which was completely unnecessary, he knew (but I did not) that he had been lying about his income for years, and the cost of the suite was even more unaffordable than I realised! Poor guy!

But now I am asking him to put money in our joint account to pay for me and the children and our mortgage (I have no income at all as he knows) and he simply replies 'I don't have any money'. You've got to feel sorry for the man - he clearly has a bit of his brain missing. Plus, how must it feel to act the big swinging dick (as they say in the city) and yet not be able to pay a penny for your dependents. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in his brain because none of this computes.

Sorry to hijack your blog Nicwin with a bit of a rant. Had another bad day today...

Like I said, you seem to be getting on top of things, keep up the good work!

Eliza
E
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Thank you that is great advice shoegirl i will adopt that one
N
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Nicwin. Just thought I would share my reflections of the time when I started to take control of matters and my ex's reactions at that point.

I clearly remember a link between me taking control of things, getting matters in order like the house, divorce etc, forging my own life etc and him getting increasingly irate over everything. The more actions I took to separate my life from his, the more angry he seemed to get. I could do nothing right, literally nothing.

I adopted a path that was similar. I stopped reacting to his outbursts. So, what that meant in practice was I blocked his attempts to wind me up or undermine my progress. So to use your example if he commented about something like estate agent pictures I would simply say "Im sorry to hear you don't like the pictures. Here's the estate agents number if you want to give the feedback directly" if I had forgotten to do something I would do exactly as you are doing. Say well perhaps it's best if I stick to doing these things then and leave the rest to you. Every response my ex got from me was delivered in a very neutral business like tone. I treated him as I would a very awkward business colleague, someone who I had to deal with, professional at all times but never gave anything away about my thoughts or feelings at all.

It was powerful this conflict blocking. I remember my ex being very confused by my professional demeanour and I remember him shouting "it's like I'm dealing with a stranger" I just said, we are getting divorced so I think what's important here is resolving the outstanding matters between us and not get drawn into these side issues. It worked, he literally didnt know what do when his petty attempts to undermine my progress failed. Part of me found his ongoing confusion about my stance really quite amusing.

My advice would be not to let him see the fact he is winding you up. It's hard, but by avoiding him or blocking his attempts to undermine things with literally once sentence neutral answers, you literally end up standing in your own power. My ex realised he could no longer control me with his put downs, outbursts and downright nastiness because I stopped reacting to it. These things were his issues not mine and I know the frustration and confusion he felt as a result of losing that control was a million times more powerful than me reacting emotionally to him.

The emotion I experienced as a result of his appalling conduct was reserved and shared with those who cared for me. I'm glad you had a wonderful holiday. These times give much hope for a brighter future. And there is a brighter future for you Nicwin. I'm certain that you will find that for yourself :)
S
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Hope you had a good sleep. WOuldn't it be so much easier if we could sever all ties with them and not have to deal with the unpleasant side of their natures, which is all we get after all these years of marriage. I am in a similar position having just sold house, and STBX angry (probably facing the economic realities of life with his high maintenance-low earner OW) I suspect your STBX is like mine, trying to stir you into being the angry ex. Mine has been letting me know how poorly he regards me via exorbitant credit card expenses on our joint accounts (eg $750 for her birthday lunch at the best restaurant in the city) and "accidental" texts to me into her about meeting his mum. It does make it easier to not want them back, but still painful isn't it. Well done not even noticing the anniversary!! I am going to plan something special to get through mine as I doubt I can be that sanguine first time.
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It certainly is a fine line.

Good luck to you.
T