I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes I can see for miles and mileses So I’m back now, back to the day job and the beginning of a routine. Nothing has changed apart from me. When I got back I sent a carefully worded email to the ex outlining the equal access thing, there was the odd short reply ‘it won’t work’, ‘it will be terrible for the girls’ along with reports of my youngest not wanting to be shared and the projected images of them carrying their possessions like Sherpa’s every other week. And of course the white-noise of negativity in the house of her talking to him about it and the girls hearing that..well they would wouldn’t they because that’s what she does… If you think that I don't know about the little tricks you play And never see you when deliberately you put things in my way But actually it wasn’t and hasn’t been like that. Clearly some time tensions surface – Harry Styles is not as important as Maths homework but probably is when compared to RE homework, CBBC is the preferred TV channel and now the ‘Man-Cave’ is littered with the flotsam and jetsome of two girls and their dad……it drives me nuts but I love it. You have to make sacrifices and my two other jobs have been binned because its all about the kids and me and us versus the world, we are the Last Gang In Town.. a guerrilla operation one week out of every two. Well, here's a poke at you You're gonna choke on it too You're gonna lose that smile Because all the while I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles Oh yeah Of course there are intense and violent texting fire-fights that happen the last one about PE kit, on reflection lunacy but it was coming…his car with its cherished number plate parked outside the house, that has my name on it, sleeping in the bed I paid for but clearly not cohabitating…yeah right…c’est la vive….I’ll fight that battle on my terms when I want and its coming. And that’s a tough lesson but one you MUST learn, choose your battles. She did come around – to equal access that is, the value of her time with the tw5t being a good lever, using phrases like ‘quality time in relationships’ and ‘your career’ where good levers, you can have the life you left ours for. You took advantage of my trust in you when I was so far away I saw you holding lots of other guys and now you've got the nerve to say I took some hits on money despite her earning more, split costs don’t mean 50/50 they mean ‘I know things are tight but you’ll have to suck it up’ and I will. I have more loyalty cards than I have credit cards and baby what I don’t know about making do ain’t worth knowing ! Things I have noticed. I am no longer on the back foot. I think this is about the time I was away, reflecting and coming up with and sticking to a plan. Where buttons in me could be pushed and I would react now I don’t (sometimes ). It’s not worth it in the bigger scheme of things. The white-wash of the past has begun, where the past is reverse engineered, ‘your selfish, only interested in money, never listened, was never there’ and that did make me think ‘is she right?’ but she’s not and I’m starting not to care. That you still want me Well, that's as may be But you gotta stand trial Because all the while I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles Oh yeah I met with her brothers ex GF and heard from her the b8llshit that was put out-there. Her style has always been a lot of hints at what may have happened as opposed to what did, she ‘never lied’..but a truth unspoken?? Well that can be the same thing honey. The net result of the last 16 years is this…I was happy and I’m not now but I can cope with that, I looked to the future once with some optimism but I don’t look much further than next week now and that’s not a drama. I did everything I could to keep my marriage together more I expect than a lot of married couples but she wasn’t interested. I had failed her ‘you spent too much time being a good father’ which in the early years is what its about isn’t it? Now I will do everything to give my children everything they need. Well, here's a poke at you You're gonna choke on it too You're gonna lose that smile Beacuse all the while I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles And miles and miles and miles and miles She has got hers. A rather obese man in his early 40’s who works in the same industry as her. Commuting down from Scotland to play happy families. He’ll be devoted because trolls like him would never get that lucky twice and she ‘wants a life’ or to be put on a pedestal that I put her on once but forgot my duties of adoration as two smaller creatures who gave love unconditionally turned up. And really love standing on a pedestal is not a good look for a woman whose been divorced twice and whose partner has a loyalty card for Greggs. Boooom Well, here's a poke at you You're gonna choke on it too You're gonna lose that smile Because all the while I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Yeah, nice blog, Pat - I enjoyed reading it - and your positivity shines through. Your comment about whitewashing of the past really resonated with me, and it's great that you're able to see what she's doing and her new relationship for what it really is.
One thing that does strike me, is that people who continually wish to be put on a pedestal (or are continually demanding or seeking whatever that mystical or magical something is) may never find what they're after... because the best thing that they had was right under their nose. Talking of noses, there's a phrase that often comes to my mind when it comes to adulterous cheaters, and the phrases contains the words, 'nose, face, spite'. Loyalty card for Greggs - LOL! Losers - the both of them. And as for your kids? You're their dad: they're the winners (and so are you, fella)
Thank you. I know there is a lot of 'its long distance thing with him and it won't work' but I think she will make the effort, she has to. And no I don't want that back. And I will have my revenge Edmund Dantas style..but that can wait. The 'good father' was one of her many throw away comments along with 'you walked out years ago' etc etc so it is subjective. The girls aren't struck on him but they don't need to be. The point I would like to make is that by the time you find these pages you are at war. A lot of blogs recently are in the between place where we'd run back if the door was opened. It doesn't open and if it does you would be crippled by the conditions they will demand. You MUST look after YOU. Then its the kids. You owe them NOTHING, the memories are landfill everything its year zero and you must fight.
"I know you've deceived me, now here's a surprise
I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes
I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
The Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal are mine to see on clear days
You thought that I would need a crystal ball to see right through the haze"
This is the most important thing Pat... you have changed. The fog has lifted and now you are able see her for the woman (I use that term loosely on her) that she is and has become. You are stronger, wiser and more determined and it shines through your blog.
You have your whole life ahead of you now and you are taking back control of your life and emotions.
If the biggest downfall in your marriage that you too good a father, then take comfort and strength in that knowledge. It's a great thing to be accused of!!! As for her... when she looks back on those 'miles and miles' she will no doubt 'lose that smile'.
Enjoy the view and experience of those miles and miles and miles.. may they bring you never ending happiness.
Brilliant blog entry Patrick - you sound really grounded. All best to the three of you.
(Stangely I met someone who was going to a small private The Who gig tonight in Glasgow - I am so jealous!...or envious ....which ever one is nicer - I can never work it out - anyway that is a digression.)