A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

I thought the roller coaster had stopped

E Updated
But no...... She has astounded me again with her lack of awareness of how her actions affect our daughter! My Ex (that sounds good now) has come out so to speak with her "new" BF. Introducing him at a friends birthday party (I could not make it) a few weeks back and saying they met 6 months ago.... Hmmm! I can deal with that even though its lies. She has worked in the same place as him for 15 years plus. Our kids went to the same school. She introduced him as a work collegue to my daughter 6 ish years ago at a parent teacher evening. Something that would come back and bite her! No issues with her moving on but bitterness reared its head re this 6 months rubbish as he is the same guy who's pictures popped up on our computer! Pics taken at a couple of her works do's. I felt he was all over her, always by her side, arm around, hand on shoulder / side etc etc. She didn't realise that plugging your phone into the PC auto downloaded all the pics! I challenged her, she denied, I believed... Muppet!! 5 years ago, a year before we separated. We all move on... He is so not her type but she seems smitten. He is paying her attention and lavishing gifts... she is lapping it up. her friends who have avoided me now seem to want to talk to me and say whats going on? I don't care! unless it effects my daughter. He is one of those ear pierced, gold chain, swagger walk types. Has a big flash car with a chavvy private number plate that actually refers to him as ESSEX Barry (S6 BAZ.... name changed for privacy so don't bother checking lol)! Plus an expensive sports car which happens to be the same one as my financially poor wife purchased a week after or absolute came through.... Hmmm. Twice divorced and the last very recently. (I think mum may be the cause of that Dad)... Living with his mum n dad in the box room post 2nd divorce! So after "6 months" and without a word to my daughter other than "would you mind if he stopped over".... he has stopped over permanently and moved in! My daughter is gobsmacked... she does not like him much at all. No adult lets sit down and discuss this stuff to ease him into the house etc. Nope just turned up with boxes and its tough poo for my daughters feelings it seems. He keeps showering my daughter with gifts but she is not a material girl in the slightest. "He does not want to get to know me at all Dad... just trying to buy me off while he pays his own kids (my daughters friend from school who she still sees every few weeks) not a lot of attention at all". My daughter is a little timid but very adult in her ways. it worries me that she advises she has already had a loud shouting rant at him when he started sorting her washing out... holding up her under wear asking if these where "yours or mums"..... WTF! She apparently lost it... rightly so IMO. He moved in two weeks ago, we live in the same village! I drive past the house I built and his car is outside, he is paining the hand made trellis I made for the plants I planted to grow up. Grrrrr! Bitterness has reared its head again!! Yesterday my daughter and Ex went on hols for a week so now he is there alone!!! Key and more access than I have to a house I still own half of!! Yes I still own half. I signed all the paperwork for the house transfer to her in Feb and it still has not gone through. God knows why! her sol is useless or some other game is afoot. Bitter and worried about my daughter. She has caught her mum out lying about this guy on three different occasions now. "Oh I didn't realise he was your friends dad" yes you did mum... you introduced us years ago at school! oops. "He hasn't stayed over ever"... yes he has mum, every night I am not here, my friend lives dead opposite and has eyes" "I have only known him 6 months"..... see above! So why the need to lie...... Probably because she told everyone I was seeing someone else and that's why we split up! Lies!Those pigeons are coming home to roost now. Little I can do but be there for my daughter.. she has a room at my place and I am getting her some keys so she can come and go as she pleases if needed. She is off to Uni in Sept so the new love birds (new,,, ha!) can play house. I have no idea why they could not wait until then? Odd. Need this roller coaster to stop pref at the top and not where it is now! Sun flower was probably right... we never really heal! Booked in for another counselling session... bitterness just wont leave me!

User comments

To write a comment please register or
Thanks friends,
Yes Tom writing on here is an outlet. I also have an outlet in the lovely new lady in my life though she has her own worries (thankfully not divorce type stuff) and I fear burdening her too much.

My relationship with my daughter is becoming a much more adult one. I am able to discuss the situation a lot better with her now. I can be more open and honest without the kid gloves as she too is moving on and letting it go. Hearing her call her mother "Such a liar" was satisfying for a while then quite saddening. They have been on hols this week and I got all the pics last night. They obv had a great time doing what my daughter loves best. Historical tours of a beautiful city. I think I must introduce you too her Pixy... history mad!

I think the fact she (they) live so close is not great.... its a small village. Paths will cross soon as we are all invited to a friends birthday bash in a few weeks. maybe if I chat to this guy I will feel better? Who knows. I don't want her back but I want my daughter to be comfortable in her own home and to be able to like and trust him. I don't at present. He has fallen on his feet... no mortgage, ready made home etc. Maybe the bitterness will fade but I think Pixy hit a nerve re resenting that others don't know the full truth and judge me as the villain.
I feel a little satisfaction in roosting pigeons but have to let things go and move on. Which as is accepted generally is far from easy.

Trying harder! Onwards n Upwards.
Letting go is the hardest part of the journey. Like you Esox I still resent the lies though perhaps more than anything else I resent that others do not know the extent of those lies. That sounds like it is your problem too - though at least you now have the satisfaction of knowing that she has been found out. And when people realise the way they have been duped she will find it a lot more corrosive than if she had been honest from the start.

One day the STBXs will just be people we used to know. I know this because the journey is no longer a rollercoaster - it's turned into a road with occasional bumps. I think that's progress.
To be clear, my point was that people do heal. I wasn't talking in absolutes.

People with and without children do heal and move forward. Thankfully we see it here and all around us.many claiming that they have found something more peaceful and more authentic after this life changing experience.

In my experience, it's hard to know what is better or worse for individual people. Divorce is horrible for everybody that much I do know. Is there ever really a way to judge anyone's circumstances as better or worse than our own? After all, we are all a product of what brought us to this point and the only thing I ever felt able to do was to share my own experience. My point I think however badly made, is that we all eventually do need to find our own way of letting it go. Somehow, someway no matter how hard that is.

Mmmm - that sounds a bit blunt put like that. We maybe don't heal (well some of us) - but we do get better at rolling with the punches. It's like nerve pain - it calms - then something hits it and 'wow - it hurts' - but it passes again.

It is harder to 'leave them to it' when they are hurting and damaging our children.

In all this your daughter sounds an exceptionally grounded young lady. She has a Dad who clearly dotes on her. It's not the best - but it's not the worst Esox.

Take good care.
People do heal. You've just got to let it all go. Easier said than done but it's a choice to find a way forward as Afon says.

Focus on you, if she wants to lie and manipulate that's for her. Best to avoid discussions about her and this man as much as possible. It's just fuelling things and actually you can't do anything about it or change anything about the situation. So, place that focus back on you and your own life. Your daughter as you rightly say can challenge the lies and is no doubt living her own life outside of this madness at her Mums house.

Leave them to it, some people choose to live in denial.

I have been told by a friend as our children move towards adulthood, things begin to drop in place for them and they soon start to realise just exactly who told the truth about why their parents separated and who didn't. I think this is now starting to happen to your daughter, if it hasn't already.

I have been blamed for not wanting the family back together, well I wasn't the one who broke it. For now I am just bidding my time until my children realise just who it was that did break it. I won't help it along, it will happen in their own time.

Your daughter may be starting to see just what her mother is really like. Perhaps her mother thinks she was too young to remember being introduced to her "new" partner - how naive of her.

I've changed my picture icon because this is how I really feel at the moment - please try and concentrate on your own grass too. It's so much easier. You are a lot further on than me and I know you are well practiced at letting it go. Please don't let this get bring you down, and I agree with Afon, I think your ex's lose is going to be your gain soon with your daughter.

Take care
Good move re: counselling session. Also good move to come here and write about it as that it helps ease the pain through sharing and as you write those words you are letting go of the pain gradually.

I've not got any advice to share but as a father I empathize with what you are going through to some extent.

Try and treat yourself to something nice this weekend, you're worth it!
I am writing this through gritted teeth,but as tough as it is for me to say,and even tougher to do...
Let it go.....

Only you are feeling that bitterness,your Ex and Essex Bas are not,and actually if they thought it was upsetting you,they would up their game.I totally understand your feelings of resentment,your entitled to feel them,but this woman has led you a merry dance over the last few years,constantly lying etc,trying to screw every last penny from you,but your resilience has sustained you,and you have moved on,met a lovely lady,you have a wonderful relationship with C,one I am jealous of(wish Twonk had the same),so your cup truly runnith over.

Whilst in work last night,a colleague received a text at 1,15,telling her one of her son's friends had passed away,he had a terminal illness but was getting married next week as they never expected him to live beyond August...Conversations followed this and the general consensus is to live our lives and let stuff we have no control over,feeling however bad towards our Ex's etc..let them all go...
Let's start doing out bucket lists,let the bad Ex's of this world do what they want,it's no longer our business,our business is to finally move on,and live again.There will always be Bazza'a. And Rent.a bikes in this world,and actually our Ex's are them also now,but we can make a conscious decision to no longer let them blight our lives.

Sometime I think that girlie room at yours,Will have a fulltime occupant
:) :)

Take care sweetheart,
S xx