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I'm Still Alive (just)

D Updated
Hi fellow wiki's, not blogged for a while but need to get issues of my chest. Firstly I am trying to move on, rekindled some old friendships and met up with a couple of old friends a few weeks ago. Tried to pretend everything was alright until one asked about 'That hot chick your with' everything then came out and I told them the truth. I then started blubbering like a baby, what a sight it must have been in the pub to see a snivelling wreck crying on the shoulders of two guys who are full members of a notorious motorcycle club. Oh well at least no one dared to pass comment or ridicule me, probably scared of the repercussions. Carried on then with a weekend of very hard drinking and overall had a great time, just glad I had taken the train down south and not my motorbike. I have started using the leisure centre again, despite knowing the OM may be there. This went OK until Friday when who should I see there, yes him posing in front of the mirror , young, fit and what may be described as handsome. I looked at myself, old with sagging flesh and a growing belly, as I have not exercised for many months, and realised how could a good looking girl want to be with me when prime young flesh is on offer. Sorry to sound so vain and uncouth but can not find other words to describe how I felt. Every fibre and sinew in my body was telling me to confront him, preferably with a heavy bar weight. Luckily Wikis I had a moment of recollection and adopted the moral high ground by pretending he was not there, weak aren't I. I felt slightly ashamed that I felt the need to use violence, even though I knew it would mean a trip to the hospital for me, possible arrest and banning from the centre. As if my self confidence couldn't take more of a bashing I got home and put the rubbish out, unfortunately a bag split and more guilty secrets came to light. What did I find amongst the rubbish but a prescription advice note from her GP. In addition to her regular medication was the prescription for the pill!!. This may not seem to dramatic but in all the time I have been with her she always said she would never go one the Pill due to it's side effects. Am I so repulsive that she has never found me attractive in that way and I am truly sexually unattractive. I know many woman are prescribed the pill to control their cycles (sorry to be blunt ladies) but I goggled the particular brand and this one is not one prescribed for that propose. As you can imagine my self esteem and confidence are back in the gutter and all the progress I have been making has been knocked out of me. I even had a vasectomy a few years ago just when her desires for me were decreasing, the sad thing is you could count on both hands and feet the number of times we have had sex since the chop. If that wasn't enough I found that my Facebook and personal e-mail accounts have been accessed once more while it was impossible for me to get on line, yes it was her. If she is in a dangerous commented relationship why does she feel the need to check on me and my personal life, please oh wise wikis advise me on this as I am going out of my mind again. On a more positive note the counselling has helped but I had to cancel this week as I do not want to admit to my counsellor that I have regressed. Is that a mistake. Also can I seek a women's perspective on another matter, she has started getting much closer to me over the last few weeks and at one point we came to close for comfort. Why oh why is she getting closer to me when she is having unprotected sex with another guy, is it guilt. Sorry but I but the older I get the less I know the mind set of the opposite sex. I do apologise if I have offended anyone with my crudeness, not like me at all but I just needed to get these issues of my chest. If I have breached any site protocol please mods feel free to delete this blog. I know you may say I should not have looked at the note, and I do feel ashamed that I looked, don't know what made me do it. Also my feelings have not changed towards her and although my head says Run Like Hell my body and heart remain with her. A few weeks ago, when I met my old friends, I was offered a position as an official hang around for the club my friends belong to, if you do know the motorcycle scene this is an honour. I had to decline as it is a scene I no longer want to be part off. This week I am back to my depressed and weak self. Thanks again for reading another long and tedious blog from DIAH, just waiting for my eureka moment on this long and winding road. Love to you all

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Hi we'll done for not hitting him, I know how hard it is to see the other man/woman where you live I face that possibility everyday and I have lots of little speeches rehearsed in my head, however I made the decision to ignore them, hold my head up high and give the impression I don't give a s..t even if I don't feel like that inside. I wanted to say to you stop being so hard on yourself, let me tell you from a woman's point of view your previous posts talk from the heart and that is EXTREMlLY attractive to women. There are so many men out there that can't talk about their feelings my STBX for starters, so you have one up on them already a broken heart is an open heart. Not all women are superficial and are looking for looks over everything else, many realationships might start that way but they soon end when the women realise there's nothing else going on up there. I want to meet a caring man that is good company and good listener and someone that understands what I have been through and there are lots of others like me out there.

Mashey has talked on here about people who cheat and how they like to keep the door open in the previous relationship just in case things don't work out with the new one and I suspect that is what she is doing. You deserve so much better than this try and distance yourself from her as much as you can.

It sounds like you love bikes so is there any other way you can carry on without going back to that group you used to part of? Have a look on the website meetup you may find something in your area there, if not set up your own group it's easy, the more new friends you make the stronger you will get.
Keep posting and stop being so hard on yourself!! She is the one in the wrong not you. Xx
N
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Vastra, It is not a nice feeling when you have been traded in for a younger model, we are not cars but animals whose feelings can be deeply hurt. These creatures seem to relish that they have caused misery and while I agree that it takes two to tango, and would never say our partners are blameless, what kind of man, or woman, gets involved with someone who is married, or in a relationship, then feeds their new love with nonsense. I could never get involved with a woman who was living, or is married, to someone else without doing a bit of research to establish that their relationship is dead and they are living separate lives, also I would like to know that they had lived separate lives for sometime. My passwords have now been changed and I have created another e-mail address for private use. I have also advised close friends, especially my old biker friends, not to put personal messages on Facebook and yes I have told them why !!

What does puzzles me is why this guy wants to stay with a girl who is living with someone else, surely he must see that she cannot be truly committed to him when she stills lives another guy, especially as she has other options open. Maybe I am being rather simplistic in my outlook and my experience of human nature is somewhat clouded. I know that I would consider that she was cheating on me, and her current partner, if she did not move out. Also I would look to the future and think that if she cheats on her current partner then will she cheat on me.

Wish I could find my B***s and move on.

Kindest Wishes to you all
DIAH
D
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Hi All thanks for your comments, all appreciated. I am sorry both to my strong wiki friends and myself that I don't appear to be making much progress in getting away from this person. I honestly don't know why, if it was anyone else I have been involved with I would have been in those hills now, fear of the unknown perhaps. I have rescheduled my appointment with my counsellor so will be exploring these reasons with her.

Patrick, Thanks for the humorous comments and don't worry will not entertain having sex while she is seeing some one else, still have a little self pride. If the situation changes then I will certainly not go unprotected.

Pixy, you have hit the nail on the head, there are many very attractive girls around, and I don't just mean physically, but part of being in a committed relationship is being man, or woman, enough to say NO. I have been tested on many occasion as my previous job gave much opportunity. Did I succumb to temptation, no never. Yes beauty does fade with time but a true heart is always true, likewise many people are attractive on the outside but ugly within.

Mitchum, agree with you about jealousy, it is horrible and a feeling I have never exhibited before. I don't envy the flash car, the big house or the extravagant lifestyle that many crave, but sorry I do feel insignificant and rather impotent now. Unfortunately the note did indicate that the pill was on repeat prescription so can only deduce that she is taking it to satisfy the whims of her younger lover. I know that his culture does not permit the use of condoms, don't want to give to much away, so she must realise what danger she is literally exposing herself to but is so besotted that she has put the blinkers on.

Shoegirl, As ever what can I say but thanks for the reality check, I know it may not be apparent but I do take what you say to heart. Just wish I could put it into practise. Regarding joining my friends club, cannot say to much but they are not weekend warriors and joining, even as hang around does require commitment that I cannot give. Also they are one of the organisations that are disproved of by my employer and cannot risk breaching security by being involved with such a group. Also thanks for not feeding the monster of co-dependency, It is horrible and only a person who has suffered from it will know how destructive it can be. Unfortunately we cannot see the damage it is causing at the time, I know I have pushed the self destruct button but now need to find the pause or disengage controls.

HRH, what can I say mate but yes you are always right :)

Continued below
D
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Hi DIAH, it's good to hear from you again, but sorry to hear things are still in limbo-land. You don't need to apologise for being crude, and you are not weak or vain to feel hurt and angry when you saw OM in the gym. I had a recent similar humiliating experience seeing how much younger and prettier OW looked, and it hurts! Knowing they are ugly inside is not much consolation at the time though. I sometime think of Judge Judy's mantra: "Beauty fades, dumb is forever." What counts is you didn't lose your cool and you're there at the gym and getting fitter.
As for what women are thinking.... I don't think it's so much a female way of thinking as an ambivalent cheater's mindset. I can' t understand women like your wife anymore than I understand men who like watching rugby or car-racing. BTW do you really want her looking at your emails and Facebook? Perhaps it's time to change your passwords.
ANd definitely go back to counselling and explain why you avoided it last time - it's a normal part of the process, and ironically you can make great progress in your therapy talking about why you didn't come. Your counsellor will be be more likely to admire your honesty than tell you off for it.
Good luck, V x
V
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Always live by this code.......
I don't do sloppy seconds!
You know I'm always right!
All the best
HRH x
H
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DIAH this isn't going to get better until you have a discipline around not focussing what she is up to. You've posted extensively on what she is or isn't doing, information gained by accident or otherwise.

When love is replaced by obsession about what someone is or isn't doing, it is a really tough spot to be in. Love is reciprocal, this isn't. She is in another relationship, yes it's hard, but knowing what she is or isn't doing is not actually going to help you. The only fact that is relevant here really is ultimately is she is with someone else. Everything else, well my therapist called it pain shopping, just going looking for facts that were going to hurt me. You can remain connected to someone in this way and the only thing it does ultimately is destroy self esteem and self worth.

Avoiding the counselling is perhaps a sign you know on some level this path of not letting go is damaging to yourself and the therapist is going to hold you accountable for that. There isn't going to be a eureka moment, you'll be waiting a lifetime for that. Letting go involves huge amounts of discipline and focus, minute by minute, hour by hour day by day. It happens slowly, over much time.

I'm curious why you turned down the offer of returning to the motorbike scene as you put it. Could that scene be worse than spending time worrying about what she is doing? I think anything that gives you another focus, something else to think about could be postive.

Sorry DIAH, I'm not going to encourage you to feed your symptoms of codependency. You yourself have posted on this extensively and like any other untreated condition, it's important to take the advice on treating this issue very seriously. You are looking for someone here to say that there are signs that her getting close to you mean something. DIAH people like this are about manipulation and control. If she cared she wouldn't lie and cheat and you wouldn't be finding things in the rubbish or on computers you didn't know about. Her looking at your personal details is also part of the same behaviour patterns. It's about her keeping you where she wants you and at the moment because of your unresolved codependency (your words not mine) you are obliging.

Please get to the therapist and discuss what is happening. Please consider spending time on things that are not about her. Please also think about going to another gym. I have a few gyms within a 10 mile radius of my house and I also have a selection near my work. Consider alternatives sometimes it is necessary. You aren't even getting away from what he or she are doing when you are doing something for you. There has to be time away from what she is doing or not doing. I'm really worried that you aren't properly taking into consideration what psychological harm is being done right now. Time to take this seriously and put measures in place to protect yourself.
S
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Jealousy is natural when you fear you're being replaced in the life of the person you love, as long as you don't give the OM a wallop with a bar weight! You'd have to be the tin man not to feel bad about seeing the OM especially as it made you feel low about your appearance - but you were at the gym, so it seems you're still keen to stay fit!

I think most wikis have found things by accident or by snooping, but when you're feeling calmer you'll realise that it's best that you know the facts. I know I felt calmer as little by little I discovered the true extent of what I was dealing with. However, although you found the note it doesn't mean she's taking the Pill if she has strong views about side effects. Follow Patrick's advice.

I would guess the reason she's still wanting to be close to you is her security blanket - she's not that sure about where the other relationship is going. She's possibly seen him posing in front of a mirror like you did and wondered just how long he'll be around.

In the meantime, it leaves you very unhappy and lost. You clicked so many tags to this blog I imagine the thoughts are swirling round and round in your head and not making much sense. Please go to your next counselling session and tell it like it's been. That's exactly what the counsellor needs to hear so they can help you.

Pixy's right, affairs often fall through - my husband's did - but by then you'll be so much wiser and will have moved on. You deserve better than this half life living in the shadow of what she's doing. Be selfish about creating a life for yourself.

M
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There's a very clear rule for married women (and married men) - look but don't touch. So you think om is gorgeous? Bet if you looked around your locality you'd see plenty of gorgeous women, would it ever have occurred to you to betray your marriage and shag one? Having an affair is less about rejecting one's spouse than about being lost and desperately (and selfishly) seeking a way out of personal misery. And someone who is that unhappy is probably delighted with the sort of self validation that comes from knowing that two men want her. All this is about her, it's not about you at all. The affair won't last but (and this is a promise) by the time it goes tits up you will have moved on. Hold on to that thought - it really will get better.

P
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1. New bloke probably thinks hes the dogs dangleys but he's not.
2. Probably a good job you didn't hit with a bar as a murder charge will be hard to dodge.
3. Shes accessing your email because she wants to make sure your having a sh8t time.
4. Not sure if your hinting your still having sex with her, if you are then you need to rubber up or more sensibly stop.

P