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inevitably

E Updated
Well, predictably, it didn't last. I have spent most of today in tears. Managed to hold it together when the couple came to pick up something they had bought through ebay and I waved goodbye to another part of my old life. Managed to get out of bed at 5.30 am having gone there at about 2, to make sure one of my kids did not oversleep for a school trip, set off at about 7 to take the other one to another thing, and have been in tears most of the day apart from that. Maybe I should have tried to get back to bed, but I neither did that nor achieved anything else very much other than make a cake (birthday coming up). And photograph some more of my possessions to sell. And worry. We are all getting older. Time is passing, and it is miserable. Kids' birthdays come and go, as do mine, anniversaries and so on. Tick tock. I suppose I should remember that some progress is being made, but it is a hard slog (and each day brings us further into the red). I worry that the children see me cry, high days and holidays marked by tears. Yesterday seemed like a reasonable day but today, heaven help me, all is dreary, nostalgic, sentimental and full of regrets and fears again. Broken family and financial disaster. I feel a failure. I'm letting myself down and my children. Not saying we never have any fun. Must try to remember that we do. They all have good senses of humour and my x is a humourless creature really now I come to think of it so sometimes I think we have more fun than we did. But it's hard to have fun at the moment. Worried that I have nothing to give the children for birthdays etc, and don't know when things will look up. Nothing to look forward to but more stress with moving etc, no summer holiday obviously. School exchange coming up - how am I going to pay for it is one thing, but also, where will we be living in October when I have to host? Feeling very lonely today. Friends all seem to be busy, family ditto. I want a hug. Bloody facebook is full of people achieving - travelling the world, treating themselves to this and that. I know I shouldn't even look. Then I come on here and nothing has happened since the last time. Which is how I find myself writing yet more self indulgent tripe. I think I'll go and have a bath. It's late enough that I can go to bed now, though I feel as though I ought to stay up and await the arrival of my daughter… Sorry, it's another woe is me post. Come on someone, tell me I am not alone because I really feel it tonight.

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Hey Eliza,

I'm late to reply but your not alone.
Ups and downs we are all having them.
Your not a failure your keeping it together,judge things by your own standards not anyone else's,good luck to those you've seen doing things if that's what they can do.There is nothing to say you won't be doing similar in the future.Start small and blossom its a damn hard slog but when you achieve what YOU are aiming for it will be all the sweeter for it.

Keep in the ring,or you can't win.
((()))
xxx

E
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Hey Eliza,
One of the rules that I live by and try to teach the children, 'you cannot live your life comparing yourself to other people, it will never make you happy. There will always be people who have more than you and there will always be people who have less, it's a given. The trick is to live your life by your standards as best as you can with what you have'. Once you think that way, the sadness will be much easier to combat, deal with and move on. Xxxxxx
HRH, was getting prepared to tell you to feck off in the nicest way possible, but I would be a hypocrite. Have spent this beautiful spring bank holiday, sun shinning.....with the curtains drawn, thick duvet on the sofa, watching seasons 1,2,3 of Falling Skies. Then I remembered Eliza's last post and the kick off, so I got my butt off the sofa and searched through hundreds of jobs, found two with future potential. Half of me thinks, why bother? It's less than what I earn now......The other half of me thinks, so what, I have to at least try.
To be frank, I don't think I am good enough, have to work out how to sort the kids while am at work (if I get the job), it's all just so alien to me, but we have to try Eliza, at the very least, we have to try and work it out. X
Ps, FB , has it's positive side, used it to promote my sons reading marathon, and helped raise funds for a friends cancer treatment. It all depends on how you look at it.
P
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Ha ha, I had to laugh at some of the comments re Facebook! It's funny, the other day I was thinking, why are all these people always abroad, always in different countries? They are distant relatives or friends of family. I know they are not lies and it has pipped me off when I am stuck at home alone yet again. Oh how I hate bank holidays as I have no car and there is no public transport!

The answer is that I know these peoply are actually very wealthy and travelling is just a way of life for them and yes they are lucky to be able to do that. I do, however, love Facebook and use it mainly to do with my hobbies/work which is intertwined and I actually met up not long ago with a new found 'friend' who lives not too far away. We met up at a venue to do with our hobby and still keep in touch. I also have made 'friends' across the world virtually to do with our common interests and we have lots of useful interaction, sharing hints and tips.

So, for me, if I am bored of the telly or housework I go on FB for light relief and to catch up with my 'friends'. So what I am trying to say is that social media can be a positive useful tool too and it stops me from feeling quite so lonely. I also spoke on the phone today to some 'real' people. My mum, my brother and my best friend whilst sitting out in the sun on the patio. So today flew by!
P
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Hi Eliza, I would not touch face book with a barge pole, never been on it or do not intend to much to many of my friends disgust who try to get me on there, so don't go there at this time, well done you for ebaying, don't feel sad be like me and think good riddance another memory gone :), and when it is time to move you will have less to pack up, you take care your having a dip, but it won't last long, dust your self off, onwards and upwards :). xxx
H
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Sorry folks should have said

'Friends who live round the globe'
Not
'Round the gone'

Silly auto correct on my new Tablet. If any one can tell me how to edit blog comments, please let me know.

All the best
Down
D
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Hi Eliza

I concur totally with SG and HRH, these two valued wiki's have trodden the well worn path and have come out the other side. They never tell us what we WANT to hear but what we NEED to hear.Facebook is one of the evils of modern society and is as addictive as crack cocaine, it is also available 24\7 and you don't need to go to a back street to meet a dealer you just need to click the app to get your fix.

Nothing worse for your self esteem than to see all the world at a party and you struck at home. Just look beyond cyberspace and think for a moment, if their life is so good why do they have time to post on Facebook. Look at most posts and they are telling the world they are having a cup of coffee, sorry I may be a BOF but I have never had a burning ambition to tell the world I am having a hot beverage or what food I am putting down my throat.

I know one girl at work who posted that she was having a holiday of a lifetime in Antigua when only an hour earlier I had seen her shopping in Aldi. That must have been one fast plane to get her there. SG is right, as she always is, it is the equivalent of keeping up with the Joneses.

Please don't let this medium effect your life, I am a self confessed Facebook addict but am trying to wean myself. I cannot totally go cold turkey as I want to keep in touch with old friends who now live round the gone.I do not want to hear what people are eating/drinking or even if they are on the loo, gross I know but yes I have seen it.

My humble advice is to view it as one of the tabloids or heat magazine, must be showing my femanine side today, it is just a way for some sad people to show the world how wonderful their otherwise cr@p life is.

We should embrace what SG and HRH say and remember it is our life, may not be good at the moment but it OUR life, we are the captain of this ship and have the choice to steer into the storm or take another course and take evasive action.

Take care Eliza, this is a journey of self discovery and it has many twists and turns, there is no app, satnav or even road map, you will have many decisions to make and when the road divides it will be your choice to go left or right. Unfortunately others, including our stbx's have removed the road sign so we have to follow our instincts.

Best Wishes
DIAH
D
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I red something once that helped me. Much like Haway, one of the most difficult things to overcome in my own divorce was exactly that negative thinking you describe. I read some thing once, that made total sense to me. They are thoughts, nothing else. Not necessarily reality, just thoughts. I would recognise my own thoughts and then challenge them. So for example, if I went on Facebook and saw everyone happy and achieving, I'd remind myself of all them studies that showed that mostly Facebook posts are at best a very positive spin on what's happening and at worst downright lies. Those people posting from their lovely round the world trip post a picture of the beach, not the rat infested hell hole they are staying in. A small family BBQ is posted on Facebook as a massive party. One that everyone is wondering why they weren't invited to..... Facebook isn't real. That's why I have nothing to do with Facebook. I dont think there has ever been anything that has been more damaging for social relationships than that. I want no part of it. Everyone just wants to convince everyone else that they are having a much better time and life. In my childhood it was called keeping up with the joneses. It's the same shoite but on a bigger much more damaging scale.

Further down the line, once I'd challenged my negative thoughts the second they popped in my head, I learned what my triggers were. Sitting round the house unoccupied was a massive trigger for bad thoughts for example. I'd notice where I was when negative thoughts popped in my head and when they didn't. So I could start that way to manage my own emotional state much better. Until they stopped altogether pretty much. Yep I find I still get down every now and then or emotional but I am no longer my own worst enemy. That's the difference I think. Stopping myself from bringing myself down further with all the stuff that went through my head.


S
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Facebook... another wonderful invention for destroying your self esteem...... look at me.....look at me.....how great and happy am I.....don't do it.... it doesn't help seeing other people having a life when yours is falling apart round your ears.
It ain't easy you just need to try and recognise that when you are thinking negatively that reality will happen and all the mental anguish and worrying about it actually is all pointless.It doesn't affect the outcome one iota and just makes you feel bad all the time.
Actually it can affect things but only in one way it will make you make a mistake or feck up because all your energy is being wasted on the constant anxiety and stress and then the energy you actually need to be doing real things ain't there because you're permanently knackered.
6 years ago I spent this bank holiday weekend watching the whole of Angel dvd box sets seasons 1-5 110 episodes.
I laid on the sofa and watched them Friday, Saturday, sunday and Monday in me pants and a t shirt.With the curtains shut. I didn't get washed or go out.
I went to see a counsellor the next Saturday and I told her what I'd done and how shoite I felt about it...... she said well don't dwell on it you can't do that again... just don't do it again.
I'm just saying you can keep going over and over and over in your head and reminiscing and looking over your shoulder at what others have got but it ain't gonna make you feel good so stop doing it.... recognise when you're doin g it and mentally manage it.... i used to say "feck thinking about this" out loud so that was then reality over what was in my head.
Probably looked like some nutter with tourettes but it used to work.
The positive is it ain't gonna be that bad you'll have an house, the kids will go to a school. The government give you dough, you'll probably get a job and matey boy may or may not chip in with money for the kids once he's had to a. either stop hiding it or b. got back on his feet a bit.
And you'll know where you stand so that'll be good.
All the best
HRH x
H
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No Eliza you are not alone. The good (or at least relatively positive or numb) days and the bad days seem to come in waves with me too. We will get through this but we just have to ride out these bad days. Enjoy your bath and stuff Facebook!!
V
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Hi Eliza
You are not alone.
And your post could of been written by me ( apart from the kids)
The feelings are the same. the loneliness, the fear, the finances and so and so on.
By putting it all down in print is perhaps a small way to try and exorcise the dark stuff.
Little by little I think we chip away. It might not feel like it but the hard earned insight we now have can help to shine a light.
You are most definatley not alone. ((( )))

C