As Patrick has said recently Divorce is not a lifestyle choice stressing the opportunity for us to "move on" at any time of our choosing. Of course I agree with this sentiment and I know it comes from the right place. Its never easy for us to achieve however. You can't just move on from affairs of the heart it seems. With time, for me, the moving on has been a long linear curve of healing and release from excruciating pain. When I'm asked to perform many of the days basic tasks I am reminded however that I am indeed divorced. Today when confirming "marital status" or tomorrow when confirming "marital status". I might be renewing car insurance or registering my details for another matter. So, I'm going to confirm my status as single not "divorced". I don't suppose it matters anymore. So yes Patrick I agree, and I have made a choice! My brother's newly confirmed status of STB divorced also reminded me of my divorce! So, I'm struggling to "move on" from knowing his STB ex and their marriage of almost 20 years. In my brother's case, he has chosen to confess to the "trigger" of an affair with a colleague at work. I'm struggling with his recent comments about his marriage when he explained to me that "it would have happened anyway". You see: it didn't happen anyway. Instead it happened due to an affair with a much younger woman! He went further to explain that he was being "so careful" with his new "potential partner" because she has a 4 yr old and a 7 yr old and he does not want to be the one to end another marriage. "It has to be her choice". You see she is married but not been "together" with her husband for about a year. He only has her word for this. Its all very confusing is it not! Well, not to me its not. Sorry Bro.. but yes I am having a problem with your new situation. I passed a wedding ceremony and was reminded of my Divorce! The bride looked radiant and the groom was beaming like a cheshire cat. The scene looked like a very happy one. I was happy for them and for all newly weds. I don't regret mine at all. So again I suppose I have made a choice about how I react when seeing such things like the album of photographs of my own wedding. I can even experience vivid dreams of my ex like recently where I was walking closely alongside her. We were laughing and joking and she was flirting with me in a very subtle way that only I could see. On waking my thoughts and feelings were not of anger or even sadness. Instead I felt the work glow of past love and closeness to another soul. It actually made me smile. Even my dreams then show me how I have moved on even as I recall later how they once crippled me for a long time. Recently a wrote a letter to myself as I was four or so years ago. I though I might try to do the same to my ex. I would be explaining to her that I hoped that she is now ok and well. I might even tell her of my recent dream and how my recollections made me feel. The times she was absent I now understand. I know why she had to "find space" and I understand so much more now about her struggles with her health. I know now that the "I'm not happy" speech that was once directed at me was true but the attachment to her new partner did not fix this and I know why this is the case. You see, we first have to make ourselves "happy" or at least "ok" before we can be with someone new. My ex was not happy on so many levels and I feel sorry for her and hope she is now coming out the other side. As for our Divorce... well .. It would have happened anyway.
Rock steady. This was such a beautiful blog entry and I have been waiting with anticipation for the ususal equally insightful responses. I am not quite sure why they have not been forthcoming - so I just thought I would remark that I have very much enjoyed this thought provoking post. sf