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It's boiled down to this....

S Updated
I'm 18 months down the line, still living in the FMH with my daughters (now 21 and 19), embroiled in a settlement war and trying to keep going. My separation anxiety and depression of last year has been replaced with a greater fear of how to manage and how to fend off the wolf from the door. Grief seems almost an indulgence these days. I suppose I am sailing in a sinking ship....it's just a question of time when the breaking point will arrive. The breaking point could be financial ruin, accepting his low offer, becoming so fat that I won't be able to move, a nervous breakdown or ...and here I must stop myself. This weekend I spent painting the garage doors and the front door. Yes I can do it but it was knackering. My elder daughter pitched in and worked all day clearing the back garden which was a lovely surprise. On top of this, I shopped, took stuff to the dump, cooked, washed up, walked the dog. It was manic. I realise that I am doing the work of two and it's so tiring. My ex and I would have done this together in the past (rose-tinted glasses). Now he spends his weekends pursuing leisure activities with the ow, whilst I have all this responsibility. The hard work was rewarding this weekend but it just seems to have scraped the surface and a whole host of other jobs have remained undone like selling things on eBay to pay for the hairdressers, keeping up my social life, cleaning inside. They never wrote a ladybird book about the life of a single parent yet I know I don't have small children and I take my hat off to those who do. Part of my problem with the house is that I am dealing with years of neglect - when his drinking got bad he did little, last year I couldn't do much. Perhaps I am better now, more normal and I am surveying an old battleground, damaged by all of the fighting followed by terrible grief. The garage doors were last painted by me 5 years ago! Today feeling tired, I rise to the challenge of more jobs: taking car to be cleaned inside after filthy dump run and infested moth-eaten carpet, cutting the grass (strimming as it's so long, more stuff on eBay, cooking, paperwork...oh yes and paid work. My God she cries, but I'm an intellectual...no time for thinking my dear, it's time to be practical which was never my strong point. I'm learning now....

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My husband ran off with girl 30 years younger working abroad he was took up with a local, devastating effect on me and my life
still trying to sort out settlement , does not seem a lot of support out there any one know of any support web sites in the UK
B
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Hi 18 month down the line divorce separation and still feel no better
B
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Use Gumtree befor using the 'bay as you will get hit with charges.
P
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you've done well, don't push yourself, I learnt to plaster then learnt to cover up the crap plastering with a freezer, pictures ...... :) you carry on you ll burn out, take a rest and socialize, walk the dog, think of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
R
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Stem, I feel for you, I really do.

I took a low settlement, just to get things over and done with. I could have held out for a larger settlement but it seemed pointless. I am just lucky I have a well paid job to see me through until retirement.

I hope youre able to make it clear to your STBX that a low settlement puts you and your children in very real financial trouble. It may seem like it is emotional blackmail, but it is also a fact.

So keep your chin up and hold out for the best that you can get. If the low offer allows you to move on, then it may be worthwhile accepting it, but only IF you can manage financially, not just now, but in the future too. After all interest rates are going to rise, sooner rather than later.
S
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Dear Stem - could have written it myself so I know just how you feel.

My two kids are telling me how much they hate me, and going off to visit their dad (and talking about moving in w him) while I do runs to the charity shop, sort piles of papers v slowly, clear the loft, list on ebay, clean and launder and shop and cook and try to complete my studies as well. Still not had a single night's uninterrupted sleep. And not a penny to me or the children.

In my case, since the house is on the market, I can't do things like let the grass grow, or leave the laundry to pile up. And although it is galling to think that he is benefiting from all my work (while he has a lie in or a city break) I remind myself that I am benefitting too, not just materially when the house sells, but I am learning, and working, and feel prouder of myself than I did when I had a cleaner and still lived in a mess. Constant viewings are forcing me to keep the place tidy, which is jolly hard work esp with 3 teenagers, but it's jolly nice not to live in a pigsty so I try to focus on that! I feel better knowing that I am doing my best. It's very tiring but rewarding too. Make sure you don't overdo it, build in some time off if you can and pat yourself on the back. We will emerge stronger and wiser.

xxx
E
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I've learnt to prioritize: the long grass wont kill me, the most infected carpet might, so dump the carpet, leave the grass for the wildlife to have a refuge.Without mentioning the fact that my cat likes to hide in it and jump on the dog, so it's a bonus!
Seriously, set your own standards, and try and reach them. Don't let anybody tell you a garage door should be painted because it needs to...the garage will not close any better, and if anybody complains, hand them a brush and a smile.

((())))
J
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You should be proud of yourself for getting all this work done, but I know how galling it is to be doing it alone! Mine was doing stuff like taking OW to expensive restaurants and overseas trips when I was frantically working and sorting out the house before moving. I hope you can relax tonight and treat yourself to something nice. xx
V
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((((Stem)))

This is the harsh reality,but we deal with it,we dust ourselves off and start all over again.
Twonk done all the decorating and stuff like that,yes we shared some of the things,I like painting so helped with that,but garden so forth was his domain...Yes I am nowhere as good as him,I try,okay I cock up along the way,but live and learn.
Since he has gone I have had a kitchen fitted,bedroom done,lounge done ..I have sorted this,with the help of my girls...we can do it,just believe....just as those men believe they cannot keep home for themselves they can..
Grief is the crux of this though,grief of the man,the marriage, the life...grief takes as long as it takes,so don't be so hard on yourself.Yes keep busy,but don't kill yourself in the process..Rome was not built in a day...

Today is the start of a new week,so just be for a few days,just do a little,it's surprising how much a little adds up...

Stay strong Hun
Cwtchs
Afon
Xxxx
A
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HI,
Lots of hugs to you for your brave efforts. I am going thru ugly separation too and I understand absolutely how even the smallest of mundane tasks can seem like a giant work when we are struck with grief. Though crying and sulking will become a daily part of life it is necessary that it should not overcome out entire day. Keep working a little a day because crying will produce all those stress hormones which not only makes us fat but also weaken our bones and muscles. Grief destroys us. But we cant get over it so soon. So keep busy and do some physical work for atleast an hour a day. Have faith..Bad times too shall pass....
D
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