Very recently I was delivered news which has come as a shock and the biggest blow of my life to date. I thought I cried buckets at the end of my marriage, but I have recently cried an ocean. To top it all, my solicitor has delivered the news to me that I cannot afford to buy my ex out, and the FMH will probably need a charging order. F*ckin great - he get's his chunk, I get mine then where do I live, where? I currently cannot afford to buy my own home, so what happens when I get my settlement when my youngest reaches 18. House prices will be even higher, I will be older and therefore have less time to repay any kind of mortgage, if I cannot afford it now, how will I be able to afford one in the future? What will be left with will not cover rent in my area for very long - I will be homeless. What do I say to my boys, obviously not now but when the time comes - sorry lads, your dad's made us homeless!! I have toyed with the idea of one of my children living with their dad and one with me, but if this was me as a child going through this I would not want to be parted from my siblings by choice, saying that, the eldest should hopefully be at uni this time next year. By doing this, this would allow each of us to have a 2 bed property - but hey - what do you know, I can't even afford one of them either! and if I can't, then ex certainly can't. But guess what - paradise is over - OW has left for good and this has been confirmed by my kids (who seem much happier to spend time with their dad). OW was even called a b*tch by one of my kids. Has the wool been pulled over my eyes? I think so, they are more than likely still in contact with each other. I saw ex very recently at something we both needed to attend. I largely ignored him, speaking to other people I haven't seen for years. When he did speak to me, it was all about him - still - has he learnt nothing - clearly not! The cheeky see and so even asked for a lift to the gathering - what planet is he on? I was very calm when I saw him, I had no feeling whatsoever. I was totally indifferent. It wasn't even like meeting an old friend. I do have one thing to thank ex for though, he's made me very strong to deal with that biggest blow in my life to date. When I heard the news I did, it brought back many memories of feelings not felt in a long time. Because I had already experienced some of those feelings when ex left, I now recognise them and can handle them better than I did before. Ya know, I am a great believer in everything happens for a reason. As always, thanks for listening. I just feel like saying stuff the divorce, you ain't getting anything from me, but I know I can't do that. In fact I don't know what to do. That roller coaster had stopped for some months, is now on a big downer again. xx
Hope you're feeling a little less overwhelmed HKHD. Another cliche that I clung to early on was "if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger". You know you are stronger, you can even handle seeing your ex and remain calm, which is amazing progress. xx
Thanks for your comforting words guys. As I always knew, it was confirmed to me by my son today that OW is still on the scene. She has been round exs flat when they have been there even though she isn't living there at the moment. My son said to me that I was right but he can't work out why she hasn't gone completely. I've told him not to worry that things will turn out alright in the end. Anyway he has his own life to get on with, as LittleGreen says the world is his oyster and I want him to have a ball in his late teens and beyond as I did and not to worry about me or his dad.
As for the house, who knows. Now where did I put my elephant. LOL
Yes its always a surprise to hear on one level that the ex and OW / OM are having difficulties! On the other hand the truth will out and whatever reasons a person becomes attached to someone else destroying a marriage in the process might not be the one that will sustain a new relationship. It was my daughter that told me that her mother and new partner were no longer together. This happened a year or so ago and I recall having had time to think about it that I knew somehow that they would continue on in some way - that they would get back together. And so it goes on, I hear that there are still up s and downs, breakups and getting back togethers! It certainly does not sound like a bed or roses! Like you I didn't gloat, I just felt sad fro the whole situation and especially for my daughter who has witnessed some appalling behaviours. Regarding the FMH, I think each of us has to find our own way through this. It is a real challenge both emotionally and financially. I know I could not deal with everything in one go. In the end I was lucky that it was my process and I was able to sell when the time was right for me and my daughter. I now feel adjusted and know that I don't need many walls around me. A flat or in my case now a small cottage suites me fine & I am very comfortable. One step ay a time is the key and trying to work though it all with grace & dignity for ourselves.Best. Rock.
I'm sorry that you feeling like you are at the moment, I know your journey has taken you on some pretty scary nose dives and left you reeling from them but I think you're really strong and you do seem to bounce back from the knocks very well. Even this blog shows signs of your reserve when you mention how you cope when seeing your ex. I agree with you with, everything does happen for a reason and when you saw him previously you went to peices for a while but you've used that experience to help you cope with this one. Total indifference, that's some achievement. I know some people who never get over the divorce and rattle around in the injustice building forever. This journey is hard and you know that but you are dealing with it brilliantly.
With the house situation remember Marshy's analogy, you can't eat an whole elephant in one go but you can eat bite size peices. You've gone from a home owner to a homeless person in one sentence. I can't imagine what it must be like to loose the FMH, it must be very difficult so I appreciate that you must be feeling very uncertain about the future but the sale of the house isn't happening yet. Before you get to that situation try to find out exactly what your options are, use this time to evaluate the pros and cons of each situation before you decide which way maybe best for you and your boys. Uncertainty brings fear and fear can dictate how you react. Try if you can to keep a level head, keep the emotion out of it, again I know it's extremely difficult but if the house has to go then you need to know what your options are. Splitting your kids up for me personally would be a big no no and if it's the same for you then make sure it doesn't happen but if the house sells after your eldest has gone to uni then you know for at least the next 3 years he will be elsewhere. Who knows what will happen after uni, his world is his oyster.
I get the impression that you're very much a person whose cup is half full not half empty. Once you get your head around this next twist in your journey you will take on board what needs to be done. You're strong and resilient and those characteristics will serve you well.
I don't often pop into wiki nowadays - but let me pass on a cliche that many of us find out is a cliche because it's true. The grass isn't greener ... Relationships built on lies and deceit have very little chance of surviving. Trouble is that by the time these idiots find this out, they have wrecked everyone's lives, including their own.