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living apart but staying married

M Updated
he wants us to live apart my husband of only 2 years has decided that he wants us to live in separate houses he is 38 - i met him when he was 35 - he has always lived at home with his parents and has never had a job that paid well enough for him to leave - altho he had always worked it was a very fast romance - he proposed after 3 months and we married after one year - two years later he decides he really cannot live with someone - he is too set in his ways he says he still loves me and wants to stay married to me along with all the vows and promises marriage comes with - but just live in separate homes we have no children - i am ten years older than him although nobody ever realises(i dont look it and he looks older than he is!)- although he says this is nothing to do with it i have moved out to my parents - i have no idea what to do!!i am heartbroken part of me says if he loved me - i mean truly loved me then he could not do this - another part says we are all very different and that some people really cannot live with others any advice would be greatly appreciated xxxx

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hi everyone - and thanks for you kind comments and true words - we have been living apart now for just over 2 weeks and i cant believe the difference it is making to our relationship!!!
we are getting on so well and things have gone back to being loving,appreciative and happy!!
we both realise how much we love each other and that it is just our situation being so so stressful that led to our downward spiral
i do not want to move back to his parents house - even though he has offered this - i think we need the space for our marriage - so we have agreed to live apart until we can get our own place with the necessary space for our sanity!
i have been staying over at his twice a week and seeing him just in the day 2 times a week - so we get 3 days not seeing each other but we text and talk a lot
:)
so to anyone out there who is having a hard time with convention - you really dont have to bow to it - look at your relationship and decide what might work for you - AS INDIVIDUALS - then try it - and keep trying until you find your OWN solution
i hope you all find your peace as i have
i wish you all the very best
i hope and pray my situation and our solution carries on being successful
xxxx
M
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You defintely don't have to be conventional -conventionality for the sake of it is a a mode of living that is defintitely over-rated - but you do have to be heard within your marriage. Marriage is about two people - not just one dictating terms.

I hope you both find a way that works for you BOTH.

Take strength from us, Take care, Good luck.

sf
SF
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Hello Manyana63,
Sorry you're feeling so hurt and confused, but I'm not surprised with so many mixed messages, so I'm sending you a virtual hug.

As someone observing from afar, it does seem possible that he feels this way because of you all living together and being on top of each other, but I'm not the one living through this difficult situation as you are. If he's sending you messages of love, then it seems he's very confused too, to be honest. Is there a reason why you can't get a place of your own together?

Being a part-time couple would be like going back to your days of dating. How do his parents treat you? Do you think some of this is coming from them? Not because they don't like you, but because they want their home back and being torn between the two, this is his solution. Sorry to be asking so many questions but I'm trying to understand what's happening in your marriage and what the best course of action might be.

I know it's hard to think straight right now, but do you think he would consider counselling, where you could explore some possible reasons for the change in his behaviour and possible solutions?

Let us know how you are. xx
M
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thank you for your advice
i met with him today - he still insists he loves me and wants things to work out - he says that it really is due to all the stress of us living with his parents - and us being on top of each other all the time - i must admit it does make things hard and the smallest irritations become massive when you cant get away from each other!
he says he doesnt want anyone else and that if we had our own place that things would probably be great

he wants us to see each other 3 or 4 times a week and me to stay over if i want to - just not be together 24/7

but as you say - that isnt a conventional marriage - but some people do it dont they

i just dont know what to do - i love him - he says he loves me???

i got back from his tonight - opened my bag and he had left a lovely note in there - scribbled on a piece of cardboard - just saying "I Love You" - why would he do this if he didnt want me?

do we all have to be conventional?
so so confused :'(
M
Comment
We know what he wants - given this is how he wants to live - what do you want?

I don't want to hurt you - you are hurting enough.

I think you ought to chat things through with a cousellor. Don't make any rash decisions.

But, ask yourself, is this a marriage - where you both live with your parents - apart?

Chat things through - but I think he wants out - the living apart speech just seems a cop out. Some ex's make our lives so intolerable, make us feel so bad that we are seen to be the ones making the decision and then they get to play the wounded party - all very confusing to those of us who are left.

I wish I could make it different. To be the person left is heartbreaking - but there is little we can do to stop it - however much we try.

Could you suggest joing counselling - just to check you have explored every avenue to make this work? But remember to bring your needs to the table, not just his. (He is clearly focusing on himself and not you right now.)

I feel this has been a bit blunt - but in reality my heart bleeds for you.

Look after yourself and get support. Let us know how you are.

SF