Well, made it through another week. Saw the counsellor again on Wednesday, not sure if it's helping or not. Thursday was a really bad day for me, was online in chatroom and kids started playing up, I could hear them bickering in the other room, went in to find out what was going on. I had already allowed them to stay up a bit later than usual to watch a particular TV programme. The reason they were arguing was so silly, I completely lost it-switched off TV, told them to go to bed. Daughter then started crying, saying that I always punished both of them when it was only her brother who was in the wrong. So I then stormed upstairs threatening to smack her younger brother, so that she would feel justice had been served.
Just yelled at them so much, said that I couldn't cope, that I was going through so much sh*t, I didn't need them adding to the stress. Said that I would contact their dad and ask if they could stay with him for a bit, as I obviously couldn't cope. He was out in London (Thursday night usual) I sent him a text and asked him to call them. He phoned fairly quickly, and spoke to them , and then to me, told me that my behaviour was not constructive and that I had upset them by saying that I didnt want them to live with me. I just feel so awful, and I know its not fair to lash out at the children, but they are the people closest to me, and unfortunately they get caught up in the crossfire. I calmed down a bit, and went to apologise to them and give them big hugs, of course I don't want them to go and live with their dad, I love them so much and they have been so supportive, and mature beyond their years. My daughter said that they hate seeing me like this, and that I'm not the only one who has lost someone. I felt so awful, I am so wrapped up in my own unhappiness that I never stopped to consider that they might miss stbx too. I am a rubbish parent, and I don't deserve such lovely, patient children. Managed to get through Friday ok, kids forgave me.
The children went over to their dad's Friday night (his weekend, already arranged) so I went out with a friend, I was driving so was sensible, but she was on the red wine. She's the same age as me, and has been on her own for a few years. Whilst sober, she made her life seem exciting, but as she drank more, she talked more about being on her own, and being lonely, and I just thought I don't want to be like that, I'm so scared of being alone, I thought my future was with him, and I wouldn't ever be in a position where I would be lonely. How naive of me.
Woke up early this morning, couldn't get back to sleep, so decided to clear out the remaining stuff of his that was still here, his cricket videos, his cricket books, his magazines, the crappy old computers (which I asked him to get rid of when he still lived here) and cables, old cricket pads, briefcases, DVDs, CDs, discs etc. Spent about an hour piling it all up in the hallway, then put it all in my car. Went to the gym, then drove over to his parents' house, and put it all in their driveway. I know he's not living there anymore, he's already moved in with the SAT, but it was very therapeutic. Then I got rational, as there was no one in the house, and thought that anyone could come by and pinch things, so I called his brother's wife, and asked if his parents were round this weekend, she said that they were at her house at that moment. I said that I had brought the rest of his stuff, and had left it outside their house, and that they should come and put it away. When I got back to the house, I phoned to make sure that they were dealing with it, and his dad actually got shirty with me, saying that I should have phoned them first and they would have been there to unload it all, what would have happened if they had been away for the weekend? Felt like saying that if their son hadn't been such an ar**hole, I wouldn't have to behave like this, but instead I apologised and said that in my defence I hadn't really thought it through properly.
Have felt guilty all day, shouldn't have done it that way, could have been more dignified. Why am I still bothered about what his parents think of me? Why do I worry about being dignified when he has behaved so appallingly? What is wrong with me? Have spent the whole day doing 'big' clean of the house, now that all his rubbish has gone, it's made it a lot tidier! My mum and stepdad came over and did the garden for me, so everything's tidy, clean and organised - just how I like it!
And now I'm having a glass of wine, and watching what I want to on TV. Small steps in the right direction.....