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No idea how to look forward

greycylinder
Updated

Hi,

I have never written a blog before but one of the lovely, kind moderators on here suggested it might be a good thing to do to try to help make sense of this horrible situation and my complete despair.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 22 years and together for nearly 25. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. We both had baggage from our respective pasts and I suppose that's why we were attracted to each other. His 1st wife was bi-polar and in the end he couldn't cope with it and he left her. I think I always felt I had to be 'happy' in order for him to stay.

We were fairly happy for the 1st 13-14 years or so and we had a son to complete our family. I had a daughter from my 1st marriage. We had normal marital issues with work and money and most significantly my appalling, over-bearing narcissitic mother. He was incredibly loyal to me over her and when I finally decided to cut all ties with her he was supportive. He always had a tendancy to drink more than other people at social occasions and sometimes he would pick fights with me. I didn't really understand what was going on and then I started to find empty alcohol bottles and cans of super strength lager in weird places. Under the bath, in the garage etc. I then put two and two together and realised what he was doing. I was drinking too much at that stage too. We would drink wine nearly every night and gin at the weekends. One evening I shouted at him for something and he grabbed me by the arms and pushed me through a door and into a radiator. He bruised me but not too badly but my daughter and her friend saw it all. I rushed upstairs and locekd myself and my kids in our bedroom. I could hear him downstairs pouring alcohol down the sink. He told me the next day that he was going to go to AA. He went twice and then said he 'wasn't that bad'. Things calmed down for quite a while but I developed a fear of him drinking and I would search the house for bottles and cans. Sometimes I would find them. There was the odd bit of porn hidden too and later some porn on the laptop. I never really felt the same about him after that. I had a very foolish affair with a guy at work. He was a real playboy and it really didn't help my self esteem at all and contributed to the end of the marriage although my husband never found out.

Despite all of this I loved my husband. He was lovely when sober. He was great around the house and held down a good job, still does. The trust had gone though. I even went as far as serving him with divorce papers and then begged him not to leave. I was a total mess and still am. I had counselling and lived on anti-depressants.

We had enough money , lots of friends and 90% of the time things were OK, even good. We fancied each other still and sex was fine. 10% of the time it was totally toxic with one or other or both of us drinking too much. I was also abusing valium in order to sleep.

The last 2 years have been completely appalling. I was falling apart. I couldn't sleep, I was taking too many drugs bought off the internet. I would beg and plead with him to stop drinking and sometimes he would. Last year I left him and fled to live with my niece who didn't really want me there and so after a couple of weeks I had to go back to the marital home. I knew it was over but I was so distressed I couldn't function. I had left my job and got a new job which was a very good position but my mental state meant I couldn't handle it and I resigned. I was lucky enough to be able to go back to my old job where I had good, kind friends, albeit at a lower salary.

This year we both decided to do dry January which then extended to dry February and dry March. We also did a marriage course via the Baptist church. I was so happy and so hopeful. I fell in love with him all over again and I wanted him and me to be OK. Then he went back to drinking. My devastation at this was total. My daughter got married at Easter and he got completely trashed and took some of his clothes off, fell off his chair and called me a f**king bitch. I asked him then for a separation. He agreed and moved out at the end of May.

I am completely and utterly distraught. I cry all the time, can't get to work, have taken an overdose and want to die. He doesn't want to talk to me and tells me he is building a new life and will never come back. In March he was still declaring he loved me. How can I rebuild my life at 57? The marital home will be sold and with 50% of the proceeds I will have to move away from this area which is my home. My kids are very supportive but my daughter lives abroad and my son suffers from anxiety and depression. I feel a complete failure. I feel weak and pathetic and lonely and sad and despairing. I have no guts left. My GP is exasperated with me and has virtually said he is a waste of space (she knows the whole family). The local mental health care team are sending me tomorrow to a recovery house. I have been there before and it's only marginally better than the local nuthouse. I cannot believe I am in this position.

I don't know how to be anymore. I am clinging onto any crumb of comfort I receive from him and these are meagre.

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Hi Grey, feeling really sad to hear about the circumstances you have gone through till now. But dear, this is not the end of life. There are many things which makes us fall but we should not accept the failure. There are many highs and lows which comes in our life, but we have to make ourself so strong that we can tackle all the difficult things in our life. I can understand that letting someone go, to whom we are emotionally attached is really difficult. But along with the time, we have to make ourself understand that he/she was not the right one for us. I know you are going through really tough situation, but I would advice you to not to lose hope. You can make yourself busy in any work, to make sure you don't think about your husband anymore. Or else you can consult [url=http://www.martine-voyance.com/]Voyance Direct[/url] to get motivated in life. I hope my suggestion can help you in making you deal strongly with your problems.
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Hello and welcome.

Your situation feels dreadful and it is, but as others have said before me, we have many of us had similar experiences and come through it.

I was married for 20 years when my ex took off almost 5 years ago. It's a complicated story (they all are in their way) and not quite over yet, but I wanted to say: it can be done! When people told me this I did not believe I, too, would one day achieve the things they told me I could and would. I was a stay at home mum for over 20 years, had become utterly dependent, financially and in every way, on my ex. Since then I have got divorced, sold our home, moved to a new area and got a job aged 54. I am also about to publish my first book with a book launch in October - about divorce. If my ex had not bolted like the selfish coward he is (I did not see it that way at the time!) I would still be cowering at home wondering what the point was of me, and waiting for him to make things better.

I won't say it has been easy, or that I don't still cry tears of sadness or rage. I regret the breakup of our family, that two of the children essentially have no father, and the third is living with him and has little to do with the rest of us. He is over a year in arrears with maintenance for the children and me. I in the end settled for a 20th of his pay for 4 years to help me find my feet, but he is not coughing up after only a few months of getting his share of the proceeds of our home.

I am bitterly disappointed by him and feel the loss very keenly for my children. But absolutely not for me! Though I lost my home and am far from family and friends, cannot afford the nice things I used to have, and have a job I find very hard indeed, I have my integrity and no longer have to live with lies or the feeling that I am incapable.

So please don't say 'I am clinging onto any crumb of comfort I receive from him and these are meagre' Get your comfort elsewhere. You say you don't know how to be - I know the feeling all too well. But you will find your way there. I detect a spark in you that I think will grow.

You may not see it yet, or know how, but day by day you will get there and, as Marshy says, walk in the sunshine.
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My dear friend Mitchum has given you a lovey reply - as has pink rose.

I just wanted to add encouragement and remind you to talk nicely to yourself.....such a hard habit to adopt - but so vital - so please see the respite for what it is - a rest when you most need it. 'Nuthouse' - well - we all need help sometime - so perhaps don't judge yourself and others so harshly and accept you need support at this time - and you will be able to support others in turn. Please please speak kindly to yourself. Sunflower
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Hello pink rose. It's so good of you to leave this message of encouragement for greycylinder and for being so honest about what you've been through.

Well done on all you've achieved. It's amazing how many wikis have found the strength to go back to college and qualify for a new job or change of career. It takes guts to do what you've done. Respect for that.

Glad you are settled and making a new life. Wishing you happiness and peace from here on.
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Hi, I have never written a blog before or answered one but would like to offer you some support. I have also felt how you do now. I am 50 and was with my husband for 27 years and throughout that time was abusive to me and had affairs and this caused me to suffer from depression and anxiety for many years which resulted in me turning to alcohol to help me cope with my situation. We split up over 4 years ago now, my choice as he was seeing someone else again and could not put up with the abuse anymore. I then started to drink more and became an alcoholic, it was such a low point in my life and I felt suicidal too but have come through the other side. I have not had a drink now for over 2 years, I have been to college to do a course and have a job which I had not had for sometime. I also found the strength to take my bullying STBX to court for a financial settlement, the judge sided with me and I got what I asked for, STBX was furious but it made my day. Just wanted to add I am not suggesting you are drinking at all, its just what I went through. Take care
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Well done on writing your first blog!
Many wikis will read your words and empathise with the anguish you're feeling now. I wish we had a neat little pack like in hotels to hand you and say, 'This is what to you need to do to accept your marriage is over.' We can help it feel less traumatic and tell you we know how you're feeling and you know we DO, because we've been where you are right now and have faced the despair and shaken with fear, but are here to tell you that you will get through this.

Reading through your blog made me wonder how you've put up with so much for so long. It's time to think about what you need. Ask yourself, "What was it costing me to be in this marriage?" If you totally lost yourself in someone who had lost all respect for you, then the cost was too high. This is the not the first time you've been at this point in your marriage, but it seems this time you simply have to accept and move through it and that's where wikis will help you a lot.

Time to think about you and your children now. It still may take several months to gain clarity about your long-term goals and don't be overly concerned if you can't see exactly what you want right now, just allow yourself to get through each day and take practical steps to secure your financial future and a home. Very hard, but I did it and can give you a few years!

How can we accept all this? We can take a positive step by not listening to the negative voices in our head. You may feel like your life is over and you've lost everything or that you'll never recover from this. Accept that this is simply not true, it's just a new beginning for you. At some point you have to say, "It is what it is."

That is when acceptance dawns and I hope your stay in the recovery house will at least give you time and a shift in perception about how you can get through this. Acceptance is both hard and scarey at any time but when you're, shall we say a 'slightly older' divorcee you feel afraid of what life is going to be like as you age. Been there and I got through it and you can too. Truly. The GP only seems to be exasperated because anyone who has not been where you are right now thinks it's easy to say, he's a waste of space and just walk away. You've been together a long time and you can't just flick a switch and all thoughts of him disappear.

Choose to create new memories with new friends in places you've never been, or doing things you thought were beyond you. Think of a future you, with your self-esteem restored, confident and happy. That's what acceptance meant to me.