I have never written a blog before but one of the lovely, kind moderators on here suggested it might be a good thing to do to try to help make sense of this horrible situation and my complete despair.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 22 years and together for nearly 25. It was a 2nd marriage for both of us. We both had baggage from our respective pasts and I suppose that's why we were attracted to each other. His 1st wife was bi-polar and in the end he couldn't cope with it and he left her. I think I always felt I had to be 'happy' in order for him to stay.
We were fairly happy for the 1st 13-14 years or so and we had a son to complete our family. I had a daughter from my 1st marriage. We had normal marital issues with work and money and most significantly my appalling, over-bearing narcissitic mother. He was incredibly loyal to me over her and when I finally decided to cut all ties with her he was supportive. He always had a tendancy to drink more than other people at social occasions and sometimes he would pick fights with me. I didn't really understand what was going on and then I started to find empty alcohol bottles and cans of super strength lager in weird places. Under the bath, in the garage etc. I then put two and two together and realised what he was doing. I was drinking too much at that stage too. We would drink wine nearly every night and gin at the weekends. One evening I shouted at him for something and he grabbed me by the arms and pushed me through a door and into a radiator. He bruised me but not too badly but my daughter and her friend saw it all. I rushed upstairs and locekd myself and my kids in our bedroom. I could hear him downstairs pouring alcohol down the sink. He told me the next day that he was going to go to AA. He went twice and then said he 'wasn't that bad'. Things calmed down for quite a while but I developed a fear of him drinking and I would search the house for bottles and cans. Sometimes I would find them. There was the odd bit of porn hidden too and later some porn on the laptop. I never really felt the same about him after that. I had a very foolish affair with a guy at work. He was a real playboy and it really didn't help my self esteem at all and contributed to the end of the marriage although my husband never found out.
Despite all of this I loved my husband. He was lovely when sober. He was great around the house and held down a good job, still does. The trust had gone though. I even went as far as serving him with divorce papers and then begged him not to leave. I was a total mess and still am. I had counselling and lived on anti-depressants.
We had enough money , lots of friends and 90% of the time things were OK, even good. We fancied each other still and sex was fine. 10% of the time it was totally toxic with one or other or both of us drinking too much. I was also abusing valium in order to sleep.
The last 2 years have been completely appalling. I was falling apart. I couldn't sleep, I was taking too many drugs bought off the internet. I would beg and plead with him to stop drinking and sometimes he would. Last year I left him and fled to live with my niece who didn't really want me there and so after a couple of weeks I had to go back to the marital home. I knew it was over but I was so distressed I couldn't function. I had left my job and got a new job which was a very good position but my mental state meant I couldn't handle it and I resigned. I was lucky enough to be able to go back to my old job where I had good, kind friends, albeit at a lower salary.
This year we both decided to do dry January which then extended to dry February and dry March. We also did a marriage course via the Baptist church. I was so happy and so hopeful. I fell in love with him all over again and I wanted him and me to be OK. Then he went back to drinking. My devastation at this was total. My daughter got married at Easter and he got completely trashed and took some of his clothes off, fell off his chair and called me a f**king bitch. I asked him then for a separation. He agreed and moved out at the end of May.
I am completely and utterly distraught. I cry all the time, can't get to work, have taken an overdose and want to die. He doesn't want to talk to me and tells me he is building a new life and will never come back. In March he was still declaring he loved me. How can I rebuild my life at 57? The marital home will be sold and with 50% of the proceeds I will have to move away from this area which is my home. My kids are very supportive but my daughter lives abroad and my son suffers from anxiety and depression. I feel a complete failure. I feel weak and pathetic and lonely and sad and despairing. I have no guts left. My GP is exasperated with me and has virtually said he is a waste of space (she knows the whole family). The local mental health care team are sending me tomorrow to a recovery house. I have been there before and it's only marginally better than the local nuthouse. I cannot believe I am in this position.
I don't know how to be anymore. I am clinging onto any crumb of comfort I receive from him and these are meagre.