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Not my monkeys, not my circus.

H Updated
I don't know where I saw this old polish proverb but I love it and it came in very useful this morning. Stbx went out last night. I went to bed. Woke up a couple of times once at about half ten. Still not home. Once at 11:45 looked out the front room window no car. Went up to check the kids. She's laying in bed fully clothed. That's how she slept. She came down this morning and said I know you're not going to help me but have we got breakdown cover? Yep. Who's it with? RAC you've got a card somewhere. Sat down with my coffee and came on my phone to have a look on wiki. ' you're unbelievable you are! Sitting there texting your girlfriend' All this in front of the girls. Now I've never once mentioned the OM in front of them. Seems like she still wants a husband to do the crappy bits of marriage eh. Now she broke down at school, she had all evening to sort the car out but no she chose to go out with him. Now my daughter has missed her dancing lesson this morning as she can't take her. I could've but no, not my day and I've got to work. So little lesson for her. 'Not my monkeys not my circus'.

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Not trying to start a fight here I swear.
But having said that, I cannot help but wonder...

Why, so very often in relationships both current and past, it seems like it has to one or the other, but never both?

I seem to be capable of doing my bits (organization of everything: children, house, bills, etc.) and still make the extra efforts like remembering which food he likes as well as willing to make the effort to put on romantic music and wear a little something I know he'll enjoy once in a while.

So why (I shout out to the universe-at-large), oh why, am I seemingly the only one that can do both??

How come so many of us only get the f-ing boring but necessary day-to-day stuff and none of the frills and extras? (or vice-versa)
How come there is never both on the other side of any given relationship?
Why can't everyone make the effort to do both organization AND entertaining?
Again, I am not trying to start something here...but even the postings are about the offering (or withholding) of one type of "caring", but fail to mention the other except as an object of ridicule.
How come it's always one or the other?
Are we asking too much?
'Cause I must say that it doesn't seem like it.
S
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Yep that's pretty much the long and short of it. Like I say I would've helped her Friday evening. Not after she decided to spend the evening with him instead. He would've been there with her he could of sorted it.
H
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Hmm if you read your post not only are you expected to make sure that you have breakdown cover but you also had to make sure she had the card. Now she expects you to find it !!
Its funny how they hook up with some w*****r who is ok at seducing them and opening wine bottles but cannot help her out with the essentials of life.
Its similar to one of my neighbours. Never has the ......... he needs.
Prefers going out to concerts, theatres etc and then cries help when he hasn't got the tool,oil, expertise to get himself out of trouble.
I remember once I replaced some very complicated brake components on the back of his car. When I finished he happily said ''We are of to a concert now. Bargain. Tickets were only £62.50 each.''
Thats when I put my brakes on any further work. Firstly if he had money he could have paid for the repair and secondly he would not have been able to go there if the car wasn't fixed. My reward...zilch.
There is a saying. ''Give them a fish and they will have a meal...teach them to fish and you feed them for life'' So now I am willing to show them how to do things and my hands stay clean.
Some choose not to organise themselves and rely on others. Why therefore should I have to organise their lives as well as my own especially as they hop off and enjoy themselves at my expense. (rant over)
P
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Yes it's not nice saying that in front of the girls, now even if it was true she still shouldn't do it. My eldest isn't stupid and I'm worried that when she looks back and wonders why this happened she will remember things like that, that daddy had a new girlfriend? And then maybe wonder that it was my fault that this happened. It took all my might not to say to her no darling daddy hasn't got a new girlfriend it's your mother who has the boyfriend and that's why we are in this mess. But of course I wouldn't say that to her, she will find out in her own time. Wen they are older they will ask questions of course and one thing I've told myself is that I will never lie to those kids.
H
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I understand Angie is encouraging you to be the better person, but you also want to keep some boundaries and self-respect too. My ex was the same - my default role of wife as slave / personal assistant was hard to shake for both of us but eventually I started saying no, and he didnt like it at all. That stuff about texting your girlfriend is pure projection of her own guilt, what a shame she felt the need to say that in front of your kids.
V
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Ah it probably was you then. I spend half my life here so more than likely. Great great phrase. I'll never forget that one.
H
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Haha - I don't know whether that's where you saw it, but I posted it on here a while back. The phrase tickled my fancy. Ii even put it on a tshirt (I'm trying to sell them online). It's true what Angie says about bigger pictures, but it also helps sometimes to get a bit of distance by remembering that they are not your monkeys, and that you don't have to attend every drama or argument you're invited to. Especially if, like me, you used to try all the time to make everyone happy but yourself. Take it easy on yourself if you possibly can...
E
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I understand that completely. I'm anything for an easy life. But, if she would of text last night and said the cars broken down I would've helped. She didn't. She went out with OM for dinner then actually gets angry at me when I'm not interested the next morning! I do see where you are coming from though. I won't put myself out for her anymore.
H
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Do understand where you are coming from Hiwthi and understsnd how easy it is to lose sight of the bigger picture, especially when you are in the intolerable situation of living in the same house and emotions are running high but, trust me, battles over the "little things"will get you nowhere and only serve to make the situation worse. One wise Wiki told me that she just smiles at her stbx whilst thinking all sorts in her head and does as he requests. Does not come easy when you are hurting but by being the "bigger person" you will come through this better. I have found that due to roles in my marriage there are things I still need from him and vice versa -all part of the untangling process. Unfortunately it is still "our circus" and without being soft about it we have to choose our battles wisely.
A