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OMG Will someone pull me back to where I was

H Updated
What the hell am I doing? Since meeting ex the other week for finances I seem to be pulled back into the emotional turmoil of earlier months. I have been really stupid and fired email after email to him with questions I need an answer to. He's not going to respond because I asked him not to. I just want him to know how I feel because of what he's done. I told him most of all how angry I was at him destroying our family like he did. I hate that he's got another person in his life who he can turn to when I have no one, regardless of whether he loves her or not (which I doubt). I don't want a relationship right now, but my lovely friends are no substitute. He's said he's sorry - but sorry for what I asked. I told him to stop saying sorry and what had he actually done to make me want to believe him - well nothing. It's just empty words. Anyone can say sorry - but for what - what are you actually sorry for? Be specific - sorry I was born might be appropriate. He's also dragged me into another domestic drama with OW by accusing me of spreading gossip about him to OW. Well hello why would I want to speak to her for. She is nothing to me. WTF I know what you are going to saying - NO CONTACT - I know, I know I recognise I've been really stupid. I am dashing from one emotion to the other - the roller coaster's on a fast one. Why am I finding it so hard again? Someone tell me please. Any advise on seeing him again would be good - do I put a halt to proceedings now and gather myself, will this prolong the agony and the inevitable. Or do I crack on knowing I will have to see him again and soon to get the next bit of the finances sorted and him out of the way. My feelings are all over the place. I need someone to shake me and ask why am I doing this to myself again. Thanks for listening

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Don't be tough on yourself HKHD, you have been able to hold off the contact before with success and can do it again. Just get back on that divorce horse and keep going. It's just so hard when we have to deal with them for legal / financial matters or arrangements with the kids. Every time it's like the wound gets opened again even if it's not as bad as in the beginning. Even business-like email contact with mine makes me feel yuk so highly charged face to face stuff is going to be tough. You will get there x
Thank you for your support dear Wikis.

Rocksteady it was mediation that I attended and saw him, I thought I would be strong enough to handle it. The meeting went ok for me, but since that day anxiety and horrible feelings are coming back. I've also had counselling with Relate, but that was in the early days - I may look at going back to them.

All three of you are right with your advice, I don't know why I did it, I suppose I just wanted to validate to him how it's made me feel because he's not acknowledged this, and I know he never will. It's fruitless pursuing it.

I know no contact is the way to go, that's when I was at my strongest. I've said to myself time and time again don't answer him, don't retaliate. This is so hard to do when you feel so wronged. I suppose I want him to suffer like I have, I don't know.

Tomorrow's another day, so I shall put today down to experience and try not to do it again.
(((HKHD)))I am going to be as honest as I can,which I am sure is what you want.
We can all offer advice,tell you this or that,but this is your life and only you can do what you have to do.
Saying that,doing what you have to do may cause you loads of distress and heartbreak,but again,only you can decide your options.One thing you have to remember though...
You are better than his games or badmouthing,and you don't have to listen to it,so please ignore him.I can remember when Twonk left,he came back on a Saturday to see us,every week without fail,he would start a row before he left.Yes I always took the bait until I wised up,when I retaliated he could justify having a fling with Rent-a-BIKE,after all I was a mad crazy woman...when I stopped taking the bait,he would leave our home every time in tears,so although your Ex has OW in his life,that does not mean he is happy.
Try to keep your communications to a minimum,you need to protect yourself,let him rant and rave,your above that,and when he no longer get a a response,he will stop.
Stay strong hun,you can get through this.
Afon xx
Ultimately we make personal gains through being strong. It is of course extremely hard to do this. You also have to accept that it can be your own personal choice whether or not you meet your ex. We don't actually need to do this to sort out finances and a divorce. That is why mediation is available as a service and Relate can also help individuals instead of couples. If you are pulled back emotionally when you meet your ex you can decide that doing so is not for you; that it does not help you etc. As for emails its best not to send them. You can write about stuff on here or share your emotions and thoughts etc. with a close friend who is willing to listen and be understanding. False accusations will keep on coming your way from your Ex I'm afraid its a coming dynamic of the situation. Those who are left in a marriage are the easiest targets for those that choose to leave for whatever reason. I just learnt this Summer that my daughter had been told I was a retard in some way. My girl now knows this is not true but was confused when younger. It can be a cruel situation all round and so, its time to look after yourself and be very focussed about that. Bless
Stop. Sit down and take a deep breath. It's no wonder that your thoughts and emotions are spiralling out of control, you've been dealt a massive blow and it hurts-a lot.
Personally I would recommend that you apply asap for some counselling (through your GP or Relate for example.)
You need to sit with someone who can listen sympathetically to you and also talk you through your options.
I won't lie this will be a very tough time but take some comfort from knowing that man of us on here have been in the same situation and you will survive and smile again.
Try not to be drawn into arguments with your ex. Cool, impersonal emails are the way to go, regarding moving the divorce forward.
When I was in your situation I used to write lengthy vitriolic emails to my ex- but I sent them either to myself or my very understanding brother. It was a release to write my feelings down but the safety valve was that I didn't actually send them to him!
Don't try and get him to apologise, believe me, he is blind to the heartache he has caused you and your family and it will just wind you up even more.
Concentrate on you, moving forward with little steps.
You will come out of this o.k.(((hugs))).