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painful process

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I am hoping that a blog will help me through this painful process, people keep telling me it is like a bereavement and it is true. All those special days that come round are painful. It is my sons 19th birthday next week and he is coming home from Uni for the weekend and my other son and his wife are coming to. I am upset thinking about it. the plan is that stbx will take him out friday as I am out somewhere else and I will take him out with my side of the family on the Saturday. I am also struggling with my stbx's new relationship,especially as we are still living in the same house. I have asked him to be honest with me, but when he tells me he is out with her, that is torture also. I have great family and friends, but living with him is so painful.

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Actually it is worse than bereavement, because if your stbx had died you would still be able to cherish your memories. Now you have to cope with the trauma plus the realisation that all your memories are now tainted.

I continued living in the same house with my stbx for nearly a year after finding out he was still in a relationship with ow. It nearly killed me. I tried to boot him out but he refused to go. For my own sanity I had to leave, been in rented ever since. The standard advice here is not to leave the fmh, and financially that makes sound sense. Renting is expensive, plus once you are no longer in the fmh the other party has no incentive to sell or settle. Cost vs peace of mind.
Thanks , we agreed to stay in the same house as it is preferable financially but that was before he met his new friend,and he is now refusing to move out. He has left me twice in the past for someone else but came back promising me the earth , this time i have initiated divorce proceedings, so no going back, but it's still painful
hi xargle sorry you find yourself here . I can only reiterate what vastra and flower of Scotland said . I found out about affair nov and he was in same house till feb. the only reason he wasn't out the night I found out was my mum was in a hospice and I needed him to watch kids and also didn't want her to find out. , then after her death I waited 6 weeks till he finalised a new place to live . by that time I was heading for a nervous breakdown with stress . ask him nothing about OW you can believe nothing he says . He will mess with your mind and try to find some way of justifying his actions .you may even start to feel sorry for him , hell try to make you feel it was your fault . just remember you have done nothing wrong. also fos mentioned worrying about anniversaries I agree with her . the thought of them is actually worse than the day itself . last sun was the anniversary of finding out about affair when it came round it was just another day and now its passed . ;)stay strong try wikichat . its not easy but you will survive and feel better I promise x
Hi Xargle, I only had 2 weeks of living with STBX after finding out about OW, and that was torture - he would tell me he was going "furniture shopping" then come back empty-handed looking very satisfied and red-faced, it was so cruel. On the one hand the truth is preferable to all the deceit and lies, but you really don't want to know the immediate details of his affair or how he is lavishing money on her, it just hurts more. He really needs to leave ASAP, why are you still living under the same roof? I wish I had booted mine out the night I got the truth out of him, but I was in shock and felt I needed time to prepare the kids as well. No doubt your STBX is like mine and thinks he deserves this new chance at happiness and that you should get over it, be a friend and keep running the house for him while he behaves like a hormonal teenager! Be strong and show him the door. Best wishes, V x
Hi xargle,

Yes, it is most definitely a painful process, nobody here will deny that much. But, it is a process we all go through whilst divorcing and the sheer emotional turmoil when one of the once couple is involved with A.N. Other is really a most bitter pill to swallow.

I think it is even more complex if you are still living under the same roof and the quicker you can rectify this situation the healthier it will be for you.

Enjoy your son's birthday with your family as best as you can, put a brave face on and get through the day as dignified as possible, however hard the challenge, I am sure you son will be proud and glad of your efforts. Most of us here do understand how hard it is with birthdays, anniversaries and so on, but they are just another day and often the thought of them is worse than when the day actually arrives, try and just make it a little bit different from the ones that have gone before. In time you will find that they will play on your mind less and less, but will nevertheless always be in the background but easier to handle. You just have to grit your teeth as best you can and smile to the world, at least for a few hours.

Try and not ask your STBX about his latest flame, you will never know the truths and he can never erase his past with you, as hard as he may try, you are the mother of his children and will always be in his life.

Focus on you now and what you want....let him ride off into the sunset in search of his greener grass let us see what colour he finds!

Take care for now FoS x