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Really bad day today....

S Updated
I Felt really low today. I know that being ill all week and arguing all day with my 18 year old contributed to it but knowing why doesn't help. I saw some Facebook pictures my Styx had put up of him in his new location by the sea. He showed some pics of him happily tying up a canoe on a loaded car...the pain that went through me. Firstly, she who can not be named must have taken them; secondly, he looks so much fitter and healthier (he was drinking terribly in our latter years) and thirdly it looked like these were photos taken before they went on holiday. I felt so bitter. By contrast my health seems to have gone downhill recently, I can't afford to go on holiday and I seem to be spending all my time clearing up after my daughters and arguing with them. I just don't know how to get better. I think the sunshine helped this Summer but I am dreading the Winter. To round up a perfect day, he sent through some links of the tiniest flats we could move into as he is pushing hard for a 50/50 equity split which won't allow me much. Misery...

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I remember doing a bereavement training years ago and I learnt to my dismay that often a family can fall apart and not pull together after a loss. That really shocked me but now I can see that happening in front of me. Esox11 you are right about my daughters missing their Dad. I think their pain matches mine. They can't bear to think of the other woman. Can you believe she told my eldest on Skype 2 months after it began that they were soooo happy. My daughter was sick after this and hasn't skyped her Dad since. None of us are very good at taking care of each other and I find it hard to be Mum. Wiki is helping me a lot and time apart seems to help. No rows since Sunday :) Esox11, I am going to court to get the financials rectified - on Halloween.
Thanks Little Things for your words of comfort too.
S
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On top of all that you need some good financial and legal advice.... One 15th of his wage?? Shameful. 50/50 split... again as the kids are with you... no chance. Dont move anywhere. he left... his problem.

Your daughter will also be missing dad. She too maybe looking on his FB page. She too is hurting. How to support one another is the issue. Sounds tough at present.

Make sure of some "Me time"..... take yourself away with a book, go visit friends, go for a walk etc. It helps re charge.

E
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Hi stem ginger,

You sound like you need some much deserved tender loving care. Your x is behaving extremely selfish and seems to be using your daughter to sell his "oh woe is me tale". She in turn is buying into it and adding insult to injury.

Sometimes kids can be a little insensitive and when we are feeling down and bruised it's the very last thing we need. Our reserve tanks are virtually empty and I can totally empathise with how you are feeling. I don't know what you like doing but whatever it is try and do it. You are going through a greiving process and people around you should be treating you with sensitivity, tenderness and lots of love. It would help you enormously whilst you try to deal with the aftermath of what he has done to you.

Sometimes stem, I am totally shocked by the way some people have behaved around me simce my stbx left. Don't get me wrong I love my family but some of their insensitivity as left me rocking almost as much as I did when he left me. I would like nothing more that to sink into a world that is welcoming and caring and somewhere were I can relax and laugh and enjoy my life and to be honest just to get away from all the stresses and strains of it all. I don't have that place to go to but I know thats what I would really like.

I hope you get some of what you would really like and I hope it comes soon

Take care

LG xXx
L
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That's brilliant - but remember you have a right to be heard in your own home - sometimes walking away is the right thing - well done - but don't let those girls walk over you. Of course you are cross, tired, angry etc because your own personal dh left - don't let them dismiss how you feel - they are old enough to support you as you are supporting them - their precious Dad split up their family too......if you feel he is mean - you don't have to keep quiet - he clearly is not keeping quiet.

Other wikis may not agree - but I have seen too many children (particularly teenagers) take it out on the RP - often the one who has been left - because they can. This may not be the 'right way' but give it some thought.

Hope you manage another successful day today.
SF
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Thank you all for your kind comments. Today although I walked down the same street so to speak, I avoided falling into the pit of rowing with a daughter. The younger one will say "You are angry because of Dad' if I contradict her in anyway. Tonight as the familiar dance started, I just said I'm going to go up to my room now and stopped myself blowing up in front of her in reaction to her blowing up in front of me. I had to prevent the argument as yesterday was ruined because of our arguing. It's not good for either of us so thanks good wikis- you helped. I did do something nice for myself and I have left the washing up for the girls to do!
I won't look at his Facebook page anymore and today he helped me with reminding me of his meanness. He told my younger daughter that I was bleeding him dry (he pays me £300 - one 15th of his monthly income. It was so ludicrous that I could only feel sheer and utter contempt for him :D
S
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Just remember, their relationship is based on cheating and lies, so however happy they look, just think they are well suited, and you wouldn't want a relationship like that anyway.
That thought kept me going until I got over my break up, and you will get there too.
K
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Hi Stemginger, just want to say sorry to hear it, and I'm going through similar week with bad days, kids squabbling, and STBX thinking he's doing me a favour sending me the odd link to a rental place, when he had his devoted little OW find a flat for him.
Can you de-face your husband? Or would that be de-friend?! I rarely look at it and fortunately STBX is not on it, as it would be no doubt full of pictures of his gold-digging bimbo.
ANd with the clearing up, have you tried getting a big basket and just chucking everything in there so the clutter is out of the way, but you don't put it away for them, and they will have to find it themselves?
Hope the week gets better for you. V x
V
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That's miserable. I don't know how to help - and the arrogance of him sending info re flats - that is your decision once the deal has gone through - not his. He is not re-homing an unwanted kitten for convenience.

Stop clearing up after your daughters - they are old enough to do it themselves - and help support you...(although my track record with daughters is not the best - but I still think you have to put your foot down here.)

Look after yourself - eat properly ....

but all this sound, boring and obvious advice does not remove the abject misery of being in your situation (as so many of us are.) I wish I knew how to help you deal with that -but I do understand. I really do.

Take control of the small things you can change - and survive the big things you can't.....we do get used to our new circumstances but I am not sure there is an easy route. I think it was Mitchum who described the small changes as small tug boats finally moving the huge tanker of our broken heart - it seems imperceptable but it does happen.

Do something small and nice for yourself today....buy flowers, bath oils - and use them - something. Learning to be nice to ourselves is vital. We are worth it - it is often their lack of problem solving that caused this (although there is the old chesnut of taking some responsibility - I am not sure how much I buy into that one - but it seems perceived wisdom) - but learning to be your own kindest best friend is probably the best advice I can give you. I takes time - often our exes form of control has been to run us down and make us feel small - to convince us we are worthless - it is a long road back - but vital....so baby steps - do something nice.

As for him looking better - I struggle with that one too. I will never understand how they can do this without conscience but they seem to - I wish it were otherwise.

Finally the book I would recommend highly is Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark - it is as if the woman was in our marriage! It helps us see there is a pattern to these mens behaviour and we are not going mad trying to deal with the outward shell of the man we loved while they have been taken over by heartless, manipulative cold monsters.

I wish you well - I wish I could give you answers - I can hear your pain.



SF