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Sadness and Sighs and Old Letters

S Updated
I'm reading through all the old letters I used to send to him when we were newly engaged. Most of them were eloquent and poetic- if not dripping with Edwardian melodrama- and ALL of them were sent to apologize for some imagined wrong or to beg him to stay with me. Somehow, I find it all very depressing. I fancied myself to live in some romantic novel, with all its flowery words and dramatic circumstances. And now, having been married very nearly four years, I have the very same worries I did then, except that the world is somehow looking less and less like a novel every day. That's not to say it's anything HE has done. Far from it. He has only become more and more romantic, sensitive, and flawless with every passing day. I cannot say the same for myself. I read a love letter I gave him for our first anniversary, and it was written with a lot less artistic flair. Worse, I know there have been times I've been depressed, uncaring, disagreeable, demanding, and selfish. There have been nights, like tonight, when depression had sunk its talons into my tender heart and made a dismal nest within my thoughts. Nights like these I know what I want. I want a good dry red wine, and Chopin's music, and to sit outside on the veranda in the rain and weep to rival the sky. But that is not what I need, sadly. What I need is to continue taking my antidepressants- I'm trying, really!- perhaps some hot chocolate, an early bedtime and a long and tender cuddle with the object of my ardor. I wonder if it would be a good idea to wake him in the middle of the night to rehash the sordid details of my anxiety and depression. To beg him not to leave. To write him a letter for him to find in the morning. No, none of that sounds like a good idea. A man only needs to hear once of a woman's problems and he is made aware. Unfortunately for me and for you, dear reader, my mind needs to work itself into a frenzy of echoed thoughts until it exhausts itself before it can be satisfied. Hence this journal. I spoke to him tonight. He says he won't leave me. Let us hope.

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Thank you very much for your comment, rubytuesday. I will check out all these sites you mentioned. I very much appreciate it. Of course I'll also stick around here if you'll have me.
It is important to know that you are not alone, and there is no need to suffer in silence. While our members here are very supportive and offer and provide much-needed empathy and shoulders to lean on, we can't provide the same level of support that professional organisations who have properly trained staff that deal with people suffering from depression, emotional stress, etc.

If you need to talk to someone, the [b]Samaritans [/b]have a phone line that is staffed 24 hours a day, every day - you can call them on [b]08457 90 90 90[/b]. The Samaritans will listen to you and help you talk through your concerns, worries and troubles. www.samaritans.org

The [b]Depression Alliance[/b] is a fantastic resource and offers a lot of different support services through their website - www.depressionalliance.org - I really think it worth your while exploring the DA site, and registering as a member on their forum, it could be just the right platform for you to share your worries, your journal, your thoughts, and in turn receive help and support from others who are dealing with depression.

Your GP will also be able to provide you with medical support and suggest local organisations in your area that will be able to help you.

Having depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it will affect one in four people at any given time, it is an illness that you will recover from, with the right help and support.

You do not need to suffer alone and in silence. If you feel that you need to talk to someone, then please contact one of the organisations listed above.
Juliette is correct,the very many who use wiki are here because our marriages/partnerships broke down.
Subsequently some go into a very dark depression,whilst I will not undervalue the depth of yours,wiki's have to deal with their depression and all that comes with it alone...
You fortunatly seem to have a lovely caring man beside you,who supports you.Worry about the future?well none of us knows how long that future is ours for,it's something we have totally no control over,we have control over the present though,so my best advice would be..
Live for the day,
Let tomorrow look after itself,
Love and cherish that man your with,because he deserves that :)

However,reading about yourself,I think you need to talk to your GP,something is going on,and you need this nipped in the bud asap.Believe me,being in a happy marriage is more important than hanging around wiki.We are just so lucky that the wiki's who have walked the path and found love again,are still prepared to spend here,aiding the next batch of newbies,and believe there is always a new batch,just don't make yourself one of them :) :)

Afon Xxx
It's not the whole story. A great portion of my anxiety is focused on him. Worry bordering on paranoia that he will one day grow tired of me and leave me EXACTLY as you described above. I suppose that's why I'm here. To be among my fear, facing it, acknowledging its realness and possibility while at the same time attempting to remain calm and collected and controlled. I believe it will do me much good to be here. By all means,share your stories. I need to hear them almost as much as you need to tell them.
Ooops, submitted too early, sorry. soooo, i was saying,

You seem to have a supportive caring partner by your side who is ready to stand by you and see you through this. We were discarded, overlooked, and left to deal with the rest of our life as if all the promises, vows, support and millions of years sent together never happened. off they went in the sunset with new woman/man on their arms.

So while i do feel utter sympathy for the heartache your depression is causing, and recognizing how hard it is to deal with it, i am not sure how my or anybody's else experience of divorce and separation could help.

Unless the depression is not the whole story....

I'm not sure how to react to your blog: depression is a hard slow battle, and a fair number of us are on antidepressant, trying to find enough grasp of ourselves to go through the day, reminiscing and over analyzing past, present and future.

However, most of us are going through it because our world have imploded at a time where we were completely unprepared and unaware of the coming storm.