A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Sixteen Days in....

NA Updated
Hi Not blogged much in the last week, kept meaning to do it, but never seemed to get round to it... So last time I wrote things seem to be moving at a rapid rate. He has re-evaluated the flat situation and because he cant get one with just a two month lease he has decided to move back in with his parents... It was really difficult last week when he was coming and going at home, things were so painful, I was not too bad when he was on a night out (due to his job) but the minute he was due home or came home I seemed to go forward one step and back five.. The crying episodes presently are decreasing slowly, but I also know that anything is likely to start them off again! Went to have hair done last week, it had grown right down my back and was in desperate need of a colour... had been red for quite a while as thats the colour he liked but have had it cut to just shoulder length and had it dyed black and plum, felt a little better to take back a small amount of control.. Got in his car the other day and it smelled of dogs, you may find this not unusual but he was very particular about our Dog going in his car and it was only for holidays or for emmergencies. However (the other woman / person who he swears is his friend & nothing else) does have 2 dogs and I may be jumping to massive conclusions or making my brain work overdrive and making things up to suit how I need to deal with this whole mess but it took me back a bit and made me think!!! I am trying so hard to beleive that there is nothing else in it other than as he puts it "companionship & as a release" but it has made me think! which makes my head and heart hurt even more... Had to pack up and come on a holiday that we always took as a family on Saturday, it was so hard and painful. Thankfully however Mum & Dad have come with me and the kids as support, which has helped. Whilst driving here and upon first arrival things were very painful and very difficult, and more than a few tears were shed, but each day whilst being here gets a little easier.. getting out with the Dog on walks and that seems to help a bit.. Having issues with the youngest at the moment, he is refusing to watch any football espically the team he supports as he always did this with his Dad, he is also chewing his clothes (he used to do this when he was younger at the height of being unwell and then stopped), but it appears that it has started again... He is also very sharp tempered and agrumentative which is causing friction with Mum... I worry that he is going to go off with a big bang before much longer. The eldest who I thought we would have the most problems with seems to be coping a little better... He rings each night to speak to the kids but never speaks to me, which I do understand and I dont know what is worse at the minute speaking to him or not speaking to him, buts its so painful when I used to tell him everything, loosing the ability to talk to your best friend is terrible... This is also not being helped because I know as I type this he is packing his life up and moving his stuff out of our house & I have no control or say in any of it, I just have to accept it, because he dosent want me anymore! So I will sign off for today, concentration is still shot to pieces, and still hurting terribly... Lets see what the next few days bring x

User comments

To write a comment please register or
Hi need a friend just read this and my heart goes out to you. I only have grown up daughter and am finding this whole situation so very difficult. So it must be really hard having younger children.
Everyone on this site is wonderfully supportive. Any way just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
Thanks for ur support it means so much ... You're all a wonderful group of people who need medals xx
The hurt of all these new experiences like doing the family trips without him will ease, it just takes time. I remember the first time I went to a movie with friends, I just kept thinking of how we used to hold hands in the cinema, and ached with loneliness. Now I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. The first time you do anything new or go somewhere you had been together it's sad and strange, but once you've got a new memory of doing things alone, you make progress by lessening those attachments. But this is still very raw for you, and it's going to feel at times like you will never get through this pain. We're here to let you know that it will get better for you and your kids, but the first year is a tough time for everyone in the family adjusting to separation. But take heart, e new hairdo is a good sign - you're starting to do things for yourself.
Just wanted to add my support. It will be tough going for a while but it will get better-I promise!
When my ex left my youngest daughter took the scissors to her school sweatshirts and slashed them and used to have a meltdown if I drove past her then school where her father was Head Teacher.
With support from family we did get over this so try not to beat yourself up about your son's response to your situation.
All things will pass. (((Hugs)))
Allow yourself some compassion. Where you are right now, the hurt is beyond anything you ever thought possible.
This is not wallowing in self-pity, it is about acknowledging your shock and fears. You are wounded and need to take care of yourself.

We all have our ways of making these early days less overwhelming, less cruel. Some of us drink. Some of us shut down and shut out the world. Some of us maniacally refresh Facebook/read Wikivorce. Some of us pray. Some of us eat. Some of us stop eating. Some of us exercise. Some of us throw ourselves into work. Some of us run away. Some of us do all of those things and it is exhausting.

All the difficult emotions can be all-consuming and thoughts go round and around in tailspin, complicated by anxiety, second-guessing what he might be doing and what's going to happen next. The sound track in your head is non-stop.

We're like sponges soaking up all that's been said and eventually we can hold no more. We have to let so much of the anger and pain wash over us. We can show ourselves compassion and give ourselves permission to be sad. This is loving ourselves. This kind of love is not the same as narcissism or egotism. It is compassion for your hurt. When the love you gave to him is thrown back, redirect it to yourself.

That, above all else, above the sleeplessness and the frustration even, convinced me to keep focused on the horizon and be businesslike about dealing with his comments and efforts to upset me. When wikis advise you to be gentle with yourself, they know what they're talking about. xx

Hi it really does get easier - I found making lists of what needed to be done really helps me when I'm struggling

Do you have a network of friends you can talk to?
Keep going Need a Friend - every time you do something without him for the first time that you used to do as a couple or family eg. going on your holiday, it gets a little easier. It's a roller coaster ride that will eventually slow down with less twists and turns.

You are doing just fine. That new hair do of yours sounds really striking. Take control and own this, you are in the driving seat now.

Best of luck xx