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Smoke and Mirrors from my Stbx and I want to run away

S Updated
Just needed to blog out my horrible feelings. My younger daughter chatted to my Stbx on Skype tonight - the first time in ages. Skype had been taboo ever since the ow came into view unexpectedly 3 months ago.II think the girls were dreading meeting her again as she is very unboundaried. Get this, she told my elder daughter that they were really happy together when we were all feeling torn apart 2 months after he left town. She also introduced him to her kids in the first week he went down to visit. I can't stand the girls talking to him - I want him out of my life but I have to try and bear it as he is their father. Anyway they spoke for an hour and he was very jolly and cheerful. He denies the other woman now saying she is just a friend. He is covering his tracks as my solicitor has suggested his needs are not so great as he is in a new relationship and that my needs will be greater. My daughter said I felt hurt and that I felt replaced. He shrugged indifferently. He then made a Freudian slip and said when are you going to come and see us which my daughter picked up on. I felt really sad to hear the word 'us' and how he doesn't seem to have given me a backward glance. My daughters are very reluctant to visit him again and I feel sad about their lack of contact too. You see where I am - I want them to have contact yet don't. It's all very confusing. I feel the need to run away. I'm thinking of going travelling for 6 months after selling the house. I just feel I am going to go mad in this situation and that I need a new perspective. Anyone seen that film, 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I feel I need some of that, some distance from it all. I feel as if I have been boxed into a corner - the replaced woman and I don't like everyone feeling sorry for me which I think they do. I want to do well but am consumed by horrible feelings of grief. My beloved father died unexpectedly last Xmas so I am sure that has made matters much worse. I could have done with a husband after that.

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((()))

Very mixed feelings, too. My children have little or nothing to do w their dad and I don't blame them at all. But it must be stressful for them (not that they say so) and such an unnecessary unpleasantness. But then, so is everything he is doing an unnecessary unpleasantness.

I am also wondering, is it better or worse to be replaced than not? My stbx is I think in another relationship, which is painful of course (and like most of you I am tormented by unwanted thoughts on the subject). But to be left because he would prefer to be without us, even without another waiting in the wings, while less of a sexual betrayal, is saying 'you're not even better than nothing'. Anyway, nothing I can do about that...

I am dying to get away. Stop the world, I want to get off! But I can't even dream about it: no money, and I can't leave the children. So I am stuck in this nightmare. Maybe one day...
E
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Stemginger,so agree with you,contact can be very disturbing and also confusing,My daughters are adults,and although they still love their father,they no longer respect him,and as they have said they have nothing in common with him.
He chose the path he has taken,he never thought about how his family would react,he thought that it would be just a case of us splitting up and getting on with life, but it has not turned that way for him.We also have a grandson who Dickhead never sees,I really cannot imagine how I would feel if my family never wanted me in their lives,but then again I would never behave the same as him....

In life you reap what you sow............
A
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Hallo crazy cat lady, you pointed out how your daughters felt that rejection too and found it better to drop contact. It's so difficult isn't it to know what to do for the best. If your children chose this path maybe it's the only way they can cope - they must feel somewhat replaced too. My Stbx used to walk up the road to buy his beer with my younger daughter. That was their outing. Now he has only seen them 3 times in 6 months. Tonight there's no Skype and we seem to be much calmer. Contact can be disturbing.
Love your favourite film - I'm going to watch that again.
S
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Hands up,Please don't shoot me,in the beginning wanting my girls to have contact,but it was on his terms.Initially they went along with this,then they both decided if they were not his priority,he need not have to make time for them.They both decided to call time on his antics,and now have no contact at all,so here's the part some will cry me down....
Am I glad they done it?
Too bleeding right I am,let him suffer the way he made us suffer,let him feel rejection,let him feel the hurt we felt.

Okay some may say I'm bitter,well yes I am...
Bitter that I wasted too many years on someone who did not deserve those years,someone who did not deserve what he had.

As for running away,yes sounds great,but those problems remain,they need addressing at some point,my theory.face them and try to beat them...
Then when you hit the airport,a clear head,ready to embrace the new sights and friends that you will encounter.

Replaced women,maybe we are,all I know is that I am myself,and he made me stronger.I really don't think they got the ba--s to be doing what we are doing.
My film?well obviously the iconic Thelma and Louise
;) ;)
Maybe one day................

Cwtchs all
xxx
A
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Thank you dear wikis for your messages. They are very supportive. It agree that looking like Julia Roberts helps when travelling. I would do the 'eat and pray" but probably not the love. Vastra1, your Stbx sounds very tough about his ow, it's very in your face. What a difficult job to accept the ow - love the annoying toys idea. :D and nicwin too not being able to ask any questions. I think that's the only way. Thanks carast1 and little things for your words of hope. I just can't see how I'm going to get through living the old life. I will blog when ready to go travelling...the idea keeps me going. Meanwhile I'm off to yoga now
S
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I have a friend whose husbands OW seems to have a mayor problem with my friends kids. Everytime he sees them he takes them away and she doesn't go with them and there visits are becoming less and less. I think this so sad for the kids. I know exactly how you are feeling, my husband introduced our kids ages 14 and 10 to his OW a week after telling us about his affair and that he was leaving even though I told him to wait until we were all ready, these men just seem to do what they want! my kids don't seem to like or dislike her, but they hate me asking ANY questions about her and if I do it ends in an argument. We have an agreement that if I do ask any questions, which as you know is very hard, they tell me "mum you know your not supposed to ask that" and I stop. This works for us all as I find any info hurts so it's best not to ask. I think you should keep encouraging your kids to see their dad, from a selfish point of view, it will give you a break to do things that you want to do and in the future, if you meet someone else it will give you some space to build that relationship.
N
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I watched this film very recently. I know it's based on a true story and if I thought for one minute I could meet like minded people in a coffee shop in Italy whilst trying to get my order I would be booking my ticket out there today.

I have never felt the urge as strong as I do now to run. Is it running away or is it running in a different direction. I am listening to those that keep saying stay put, you will regret it if you run. Will i regret it anymore than I am beginning to regret the last 14 years of my life.

Stemginger, I want to make things happen, don't know how but I'm not going to ignore these feelings. After all I ignored the warning signs in my marriage and look where that's left me. Life keeps dealing you the same lessons till you learn from them.

If anyone fancies a big fat pizza in Naples, I would be more than happy to join you. :D

I know you are having it really tough and losing your dad is very sad. I don't know if you are having counselling. Would it help you .

I still think that the green grass your stbx is standing on will start to fade and die.

Take care of yourself

LG xXx
L
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Ah Stemginger. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It's the cruel indifference they display towards us and utter contempt with their lies and evasions. My son just says he can't be bothered with his father and doesn't want to contact him at the moment, he has only seem him once since he left me 4 months ago. I try and encourage him to contact him but at the age of 19 he knows his own mind and to be honest his father doesn't seem overly concerned he has only texted him a handful of times in the last few months. I think he is so wrapped up in his new life with his OW that we are an afterthought if we are thought of at all

I like you just want to run away. I feel the need to pack up and leave and really just go anywhere. I don't think when we sell the house I will be able to stay in my home town, I just need a fresh start, it probably won't be far away but I can't envisage staying here in this small place where he will be with his OW. The walls seem to be closing in on me.

PS. I have seen that that film and really enjoyed it. Lets go travelling!! XX
L
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Hi Stemginger, that's very sad about your dad, what a terrible time for you to lose him and have this happen too.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could never see our partners again! STBX just told me that he is moving in soon with OW and her kids (he left 5 months ago) and was so puffed up with elation and nastiness towards me that I ran away in tears. I am mixed up too - on the one hand I want my boys to have a good relationshio with their dad, and in theory it would be better if they liked OW too. But part of me wants the kids to hate them both too. My plan is to send them to STBX and OW with all their annoying gun toys, full to the brim with caffeine and sugar and tell them to go for it, as OW loves noisy boys.
V
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Replaced? Rejected? That was me. Still feel a bit of a reject but no longer replaced (the grass was not greener). My children are adults yet I feel exactly the same conflict. I want them to get on with their dad, yet I want them to despise him and his actions. They are an important part of his life now that he has no one else, and It's obviously right that he should be an important part of theirs. Yet I have to resist the temptation to tell them that he never wanted children or the extent of his lies and deception about ow.
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