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Something is missing

B Updated
I've been struggling this weekend with the feeling at the back of my mind that there's something missing from my life. That'll be my soon to be ex husband. I am missing having someone to joke with, chit-chat and just have with me. Someone to share a story with. I had a dream about him last night. He was packing up his things in the house and I was trying to find out what this yellow connector cable was for that I had in my hand. Again I'm plagued with the thoughts that he's having a blast while I'm frozen with misery. I know he's been on a boat trip with lots of friends this weekend, whereas I have spent the majority of the weekend prostrate on the sofa, drinking wine and binge watching Ru Paul's Drag Race. I've had Whatsapp chats, been for a beach walk with a friend, cooked, cleaned, exercised a little and really, really tried to reconnect with myself but it's just not worked this weekend. Nothing seems to make me feel happy. I just feel numb. I am trying to remember that he has behaved abominably. He lied, he cheated and is now publicly flaunting his new single status, showing the world that he has totally cast me aside. When he left he said he had nothing to say to me but then has emailed to say that there are many things that made him fall out of love with me. I'm not interested in hearing his excuses now. The relationship was struggling and I was willing to work on it but he wasn't. I busted him having his affair and he's now behaving like he's never been married. I feel like I'm on the cusp of a revelation. I am grasping at something that's just out of reach in my mind. Every time I get close to it, it dashes away from me. It's almost like the same 'wife's instinct' that told me exactly where I would find him that night when he told me he was working late then going for a jog is about to show me the way again. I am just hoping that I'm going to catch a break and that whatever it is that's about to pop into my head is helpful. I just don't think I could cope with any more stresses. I just want to feel genuinely happy again. I want to not have thoughts of him popping into my head whether I'm awake or asleep. I want to not miss his company. I want to not feel that craving for a deep and beautiful real life hug. Just hold a real person for a long, long time.

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Both of your posts resonate with me. My STBX either can't acknowledge the impact on me of his repeated cheating and lying (he has narcissistic tendencies),or perhaps gets such a kick out of getting on with his new life that he doesn't want my reality spoiling that. It is so hard being the one left trying to keep everything together for the kids, and the extended family, I am completely drained.

Even though our divorce is almost sorted, I am still stuck in limbo, trying to accept it, and find some kind of closure. Friends and family are moving on, and need me to, but that only increases my feelings of isolation, and guilt for not being able to let go of the hurt and anger, not to mention the fear, that betrayal and deception leaves you with.
I hardly recognise myself any more, and feel like I am grieving for the loss of so much more than a feckless husband.

As the one left to deal with the shock and pain, it seems doubly cruel when you have tried to be a decent human being, and do right by those around you. I guess the reality is that life isn't always fair.

I empathise with your description of being 'frozen', it feels like a kind of paralysis. I am moving in slow motion, while the world around me carries on as normal, it is a daily struggle to keep up. I wish I could press an imaginary 'pause' button on my life, to give me some time and energy to concentrate on coming to terms with things, instead of trying to do that whilst also dealing with the ongoing problems and practicalities that separating your lives brings.

BUT - despite all of this, I wouldn't want him back again. I know I will be so much better off once I learn to cut those ties. I hope you will be, too. And that you get those hugs you need and deserve :-)
K
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Just read this and i can tell you that you have managed to sum up my exact feelings. The only time i can say i sleep soundly is usually when im dreaming about him, i seem to just melt into the bed almost morphing into our old life. I wake up in a blind panic, knowing that just by waking up i have lost it all again. I have put up with the lying and cheating and tried to be the best person i could. People say you`ll get over it, its a new beginning but thats easy to say. I was happy before didnt need to change anything. Waiting to retire and do all the things we wanted to do. Just found out he`s booked a holiday aboard which he never really wanted to do before. People at work say he appears to be happy while i am lost with no direction or purpose.It seems so unjust that i am paying such a high price while he is swanning around with not a care in the world. Hugs are what make the world go around but as you also know, there are hugs and there are HUGS.Sending you one now and hoping you find that place called happiness sooner rather than later.
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