Sometimes it all feels so wrong. He is alone in the house we shared and trying to get in with his life, but deeply saddened and traumatised. I made the mistake yesterday morning of reading he letter he had given me in the pub a few weeks ago. Again it shows his deeply distorted view of the whole situation and his complete inability to find the words to get me back - even if that were possible. Over the entire letter he only once says 'I still love you' but follows it up with 'although I did not always show it in the way you would like. I did not loose (sic) my temper and show disrespect on purpose (at least he admits it) I suppose that is something else I have to live with, so moving on is almost impossible as I don't want to.' Before this he says 'I am at home most of the time .... Everything seems to be in your hands ... I feel powerless and angry at times' So yes, it feels odd. I watch the married couples old and young walk about the shops as they prepare for Christmas. I see them as beings who are on the safe ledge of domestic stability, while I am floating around in the chasm beneath. No one to help me and hold me onto that ledge. The ledge of being in a relationship is a place of smug safety and regarded by society as the norm. They is way that things should be. None of us are supposed to live alone they say. But none of this is to say that we should be together. My holiday at my daughter's reaffirmed it all so much. I was so happy. Being in the city without him, visiting the places where we had argued or I had felt so alone in my relationship with him plus my long talks with my daughter. She had not spoken to me for a month and admits she blocked it all out. She was very upset when I told her that I had been hurt by her behaviour and we are completely reconciled. She had been afraid of him and hated him when she was a child. She could remember how my son took the brunt of his temper and unreasonable demands it amounted to bullying and I look back now and feel ashamed that I let it go on. My daughter says she remembers once how our son was sniffing and P just hauled him off the dinner table... And shouted at him. It's particulary significant because sniffing is one of the things that drove me crazy about Pete once we were alone. Also, P would get angry with our son for eating noisily and again P in later years would slurp his food and make an awful noise (perhaps we just didn't notice before or we had to ignore it). At one point I stopped giving him noodles or spaghetti because it was utterly disgusting. Of course, I should have told him that his sniffing and eating habits drove me crazy but it simply wasn't worth it..... I would just get a mouthful of abuse. So no, life with him was not right and I was right to leave him, but that's not to say that this life feels right and settled. It's like getting used to a new pair of shoes or going to a new gym. It takes a while and multiply that up by a couple of hundred as its not just your feet or an hour's exercise, it's your whole body and your whole time and you realise how long this is going to take. My journey is only just beginning. PS question - why does my son not hold any grudge against his Dad? He tells his wife he can't remember any of his childhood.
I know exactly how you feel when you wander places and see so many'happy' families and couples. I would sometimes look out of a window at home at my neighbours homes and think how lucky they were to have this domestic bliss, do they know just how lucky they are? But the truth is that all families have problems and looks can be very deceiving. On Facebook people post what wonderful evenings/weekends they've had but they are hardly going to say how miserable they are, how their husband/wife has barely spoken to them all weekend or worried and anxious they feel about their financial woes. I think that unless you have been through the trauma of your marriage breaking down you really don't appreciate how amazing and supportive being part of a family can be and you therefore appreciate the people in your life so much more. Think of it as a blessing, a gift your ex has given you. It sounds like you and your daughter have a much closer realationship now and this is priceless. It also sounds like your son doesn't want to deal with or face his realationship with his dad because it's just too painful, he may one day and again it may bring you closer.