I am still sharing a house with my Stbx, I am increasingly concerned about the amount he drinks. He has always been able to drink quite a lot of alcohol, but I suppose when he was at work there were days he didn't drink for a few days because of the shifts he worked. Now he is retired , although does some part time work, but drinks most evenings, both in the pub and when he is in the house. Tonight for example he has been to the pub, where he tells me he had 4 pints, now he has opened a bottle of wine. He told me yesterday he is seeing a counsellor about cutting down his drinking, and is keeping a record of what he drinks.He told me what he drank on New Year's Eve when he went out with his gf , over several hours he drank at least 21 units. He seemed fine the next day, although I didn't see him until the evening as I had spent new year with my new man , for the record I had a glass of wine and a couple of glasses of champagne . He also has a strange skin rash, started a few weeks ago , first diagnosis was scabies, glad I have no physical contact, but now GP not sure and has referred him to a dermatologist , very itchy and large red patches with some blisters , all over. I suggested he needed a liver function test, which GP has done, it was fine apparently. He is on antidepressants as well. I find it hard not to be concerned about him, although I keep trying to remind myself he is no longer my problem.
Believe me I have been there watching someone self destruct, feeling helpless.
I accessed help and support and one thing that resonated with me is that rescuing isn't helping. The only person that was paying the price for caring and monitoring his behaviour was me, sat at home paralysed with worry whilst he was off doing what he wanted.
I had to let my ex go and face the consequences of his actions. What he did and didn't do wasn't a matter for me any longer. They were his choices that he was free to make. I had to let go of knowing, of trying to monitor and leave him to it and it was without doubt one of the hardest things I have had to face. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go. It was because I cared that I realised that it was exceptionally important that he faced the consequences of his own actions and I was powerless to prevent him hurtling towards rock bottom. Perhaps when he gets there he may well decide to make life changes but I could no longer allow myself to be dragged down with him because that is what was happening.
Knowing his drinking levels and health status isn't helping. He isn't yet ready to change his behaviour so what he does or doesn't do is a matter for him. Is there any point to him sharing this information? Let the professionals provide the support and do their job as unfortunately there is little you can do.
Actually I feel the same as you.
Since we parted my Ex seems to have many more ailments,and appears in a lot of pain,and Yes...Hands up!!! I do feel sorry for him...
And if he was really in need of me, I would be there.I suppose it says something about the people we are.
It seems as though he is in the system :(now and hopefully will get some issues sorted,but like you said,he is drinking very heavily.
Xargle,we cannot help being the people we are,and I for one would rather have a heart that feels,than a heart of stone ;) ;) ;)
When you've spent years caring about someone's well-being it's natural to care when you think they're on self-destruct mode. However, it seems a strange cocktail of anti-depressants and alcohol for someone who's in a new relationship and supposedly happy. His GP is now aware and he's probably going to take more notice of a counsellor than of you, unless he still enjoys that you're still concerned about him? As Vastra says why is he telling you all this? How much longer are you going to have to live in the same house?