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Struggling dealing with me

H Updated

Hi,

Am new to this site and having read alot of the stories they make me very sad, unlike most of the stories about husbands affairs and how they are acting badly,  well I am one of theose husbands who has been labelled a liar , I had an affair online with a girl I have only met 3-4 times on business but my wife found some explicit emails from me to her and thought  I was having an affair in I guess in some ways I was and do not blame my wife one bit As I would of assumed the same.  She has gone to the solicitor yesterday and I'm terrified,  we have a 9 month girl and a 4 year old boy who are my life and love them more than I could ever put into words and the thoughtt of not seeing them everyday is killing me , and I love my wife and would do anything in the world to put time back... now your probaly thinkin well its my own stupid fault...your right it is  and hate myself for it. I will probaly lose eveything I have ever wanted (I am 35yrs old)  .  I am usually a very strong person both physically and emotionally but am finding it very dificult to deal with what I have done and can't blame anyone else for it.

 

 

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Comment
Tinny,

Yes I have asked myself why did I do it ...the answer to me is not clear but i work with computers and emailing is second nature to me, I never did it at home but yes did text her some but it never affected my attitude at home or the way my family was.... it started so innocently and grew, I wasn't looking for it but all that is of no consequence now . Yes I will try to be strong and will not let my little boy see me cry or argue with my wife .

just wish I could be angry with something or have a something voice my anger at but is is only me that is at fault and my wife and kids didn't deserve this

Thankyou

x
H
Comment
We all make mistakes and you sound desolate about yours. Someone else said, what made you do what you did? I suppose it doesn’t really matter now cos its done.

On the way to work I was listening to Terry Wogan, Radio 2, Thought for the day (ok I admit it I’m a tog). It was all about tolerance and our zero tolerant society. The speaker said, nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes but it is our attitude to make things right that counts (ok he said it better, I can’t find the right words). You sound so sorry for what you’ve done.

The way ahead is not easy for you but I hope you can find the way and think if you keep posting you will get some help to do that.

Take care
Tinny
T
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hi, thakyou for all your comments . yes I have thought about counselling I have to admit thats not really me but I would try it 100%... I would do absolutely anything if it made things better. Of course I am upset with my life but its more about my kids that I cry myself to sleep every night . I think you have it right Mike about my wife just wanting adult company and a cuddle as she has said this but I feel it is too late. I am trying to give her space and only texting in the morning to see how the kids slept (as it was me who always got up in the night to them even did the night feeds too as was my special time with them even though I work all day) and like to know they go to bed ok on the couple of days a week I cannot see them... My wife has been good about me seeing them but for me my kids are my life and am very sure there are people reading this that have it so much worse than me ...but as selfish as it sound I just can't see outside my own bubble of hurt..

Yes I have suggested that I try to date her, will still live at a different adddress if she wants and i will still pay all the bills that I can but try to show her the man she fell in love with...but has fallen on deaf ears.

It is to hear all your comments and advise as sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees.
H
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You have betrayed her trust, even if nothing happened it appears that you were strongly considering it. Sometimes, we don’t think about the consequences of our actions, sometimes people get away with it, and other times they don’t.

You love your wife, children, life etc, then fight for them, with everything that you have, if you have things in your life that you are less than happy with, that caused you to do what you did, deal with them, fess up, be honest with yourself and your family.

Re-gaining trust is hard, sometimes it can’t be done, ask your wife what she wants to happen, and make it clear to her what you would like to happen, don’t mess around with empty threats or promises mean everything that you say, and make sure she knows it.

You are in a really difficult situation, where nobody stands to win, there are no points or prizes to be had, just a lot of heart ache. Yes you did wrong, and she wants you to know that what you did was not acceptable, but neither of you stand to gain through separation.

Raise your game my friend, be the strong person that you are, fight for your family and to regain your wife’s trust, there should be no lengths that you are not prepared to go.

Good luck

GM
F
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hatemyself,
Welcome to Wikivorce. Life just isn't simple, nor is it just black and white. There are many shades of grey. You have made a huge mistake. You succumbed to temptation. You won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last. Mistakes can be rectified, but only if there is a genuine desire on both sides to do that. Your wife seeing a solicitor is her panic reaction. How you handle yourself with her right now is the most important thing to worry about. Be completely honest with her, and give her the space she needs to decide how she is feeling about the situation and you.
Having very young children completely changes life and our marriages. Mums are often completely shatterred physically after a day with tiny tots. They often don't feel attractive, nor would they like a physical relationship at that time with their partner. They often just want some adult company, cuddles, conversation and an early night . Sometimes partners can feel a little rejected, knocked back, as all affection appears to be diverted to the children. Thats when a little resentment and temptation can creep in. Counseling can be very good for helping the individuals understand where each other are in relation to the other. As previously suggested, it might be helpful to plant the seed of suggestion with your wife, and give her some time and space, whilst showing her that you love her deeply, and are truly sorry for what has happened. Best of luck, and keep posting. Mike
M
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Firstly welcome to wiki & admitting what you are!
Online cheating is the same as real life cheating. I know alot of you might consider it not to be as you don't have physical contact with the person. But you are exchanging thoughts emotions & intimate desires with what your suposed to be sharing with ur partner, not with another person online.

I just hope tht you can sort out ur real life situation for the sake of your family & put this virtual life in the past. But if you do, you need to address why you started this online affair as obviously you must of been feeling you was lacking summit in ur real life to persue this online affair

Best of luck x
S
Comment
Don't hate yourself.
Look it's still very early days. Your wife feels shocked, rejected and angry. If you had a good marriage before and if you feel she does still love you then suggest you try Relate.
My husband and I went to Relate for about three months and I really felt we learnt so much about each other and why things have happened the way they have.
You know what you've done is silly, and internet sex is just as damaging as a physical affair. Give your wife time and space. Let her see how sorry you are. Suggest the counselling and don't push her.
Hopefully you'll work it out.
Good luck and stay in touch. We've all felt what your feeling to some degree.

sarah xx
B
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hi mate I sympathise but hey you went out with the other irl for a reason so maybe you should ask why? this isnt all about you and your fault, I get sick and tired of hubands getting all the blame and the wife being perfect, in my case I ws missign sex and comfort in our marriage and over a period of 24 years it almost became acepted that I was seeing other women until the day i left 24 yrs later. so back to the point, ask why you did it, be strong and if you want your mariage to last then try courting your wife and be patient time heals, you should also consdier is she just going along this route because it's convienient for her if you get what I mean, sorry but that may be the case... good luck
S