I wondered if anyone had a view about the terminology used to describe the X. Here on wiki (pet names like ‘the harridan’ and ‘twonk’ aside) we generally use X or STBX for brevity.
But in a formal letter by BH (my preferred term on wiki) I have just seen myself described as an ex-wife and it has given me pause for thought. I never call him my ex-husband. I call him a lot of things, to my friends, and needless to say they are not all flattering, or designed to spare his feelings. But in a formal situation, or to a stranger, or indeed to anyone, I never ever call him my X or my ex-husband. I use the term ‘former husband’.
I am at the stage of not really caring a jot what he calls me or whether he ever calls me anything at all. Yet I do find that ‘former’ sounds nicer than ‘ex’. Somehow less brutal, more respectful and forgiving. He is not, of course, respectful or forgiving. Maybe just that little word gives it away.
Given we have children, and one of them currently resides with him and has virtually nothing to do with me or the rest of the family, it would be nice to think he was doing what he could not to make matters worse. Even though he is in fact undoubtedly the villain of the piece, I encourage the children who live with me to have a relationship with him, remind them sometimes of his strengths, of funny anecdotes or happier times. I try not to negate the past, or the love there was in the family once upon a time.
I daresay I am reading too much into it. No biggie.
Yes Eliza I feel like I never knew my husband either, known him since I was fifteen and I'm now 59.
He has turned into the biggest liar, fraud, uncaring monster. I wish someone would interview these partners / exes to get THEIR take on their behaviour! I never thought this would happen to me I suppose like us all on here.
I never thought my husband was a quitter. I live for the day I can get a place of my own, I so very glad I found this forum I just could not have coped without it, but I feel stronger as each week goes by thanks to your blogs, posts, and other like Declan, and Mitchum, and many others.
Yes, I went on calling him my husband for a long long time after he had ceased to be a husband in anything other than a strict legal definition (even then I think it would have been 'estranged husband'). But then, it took me a long time to catch up with things; I was a bit slow on the uptake. Lots of my friends urged me not to call him my husband but somehow I kept on. It wears off in the end. I am working towards thinking of him as someone I used to know, as Marshy puts it, though I sometimes think I never really knew him at all.
Hi Eliza, I'm not actually divorced yet, I don't know what I'll,say or how I'll put it, whe we are divorced I can only still,at the moment think of him as my husband. HOWEVER I won't say that in my head I have many names for him, and they arnt nice! Plonker, burk, idiot, brain dead are some of the tame ones!