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The end is on the horizon ....

H Updated

I haven't posted for some time now.  I've been getting very happily on with my own life.  My solicitor tells me I'm millimetres away from having the Order submitted to the court for approval - so why do I feel agitated again by the blot on the landscape that was once my husband?  

At the beginning, like many of you, I didn't actually know if I wanted to go through with the divorce, but then I woke up to the reality of needing financial security for myself and my children.  Knowing my ex and I were never going to reconcile, I needed to break the binds that kept us legally together and make my own way in the world without being part of a couple.

It's been a very long, arduous and sometimes fraught process, for anyone who is just entering into it.  My ex delayed mediation time and time again, and when the meetings did go ahead, he was either angry or unreasonable and needed guidance from the mediator.  I on the other hand kept my cool and was praised on one occasion for my handling of the situation by the mediator.

I am no longer pulled into my exs dramas, for the most part he has left me alone, thankfully.  He's refusing now to speak at all and will only go through solicitors.  It's cost me much more than I hoped for, what with all the stupid questions and totally unnecessary clarifcations he has needed.

I still hear rumours about him through friends, but I've learnt to take them with a pinch of salt, sometimes secretly hoping those that are about misfortunate to be true, and I sometimes delight in my smugness (wrongly or rightly it makes me feel better knowing that his suffering is continuing).  I even felt sorry for him at one stage, hell what was I thinking.  I quickly snapped out of that though.  He's still delunsional that one day we can all be friends - nope - don't think so.

Sometimes I feel excited that I am finely going to be free of him legally.  Is this wrong?  Did anyone else feel this way?  Then there is today when I feel agitated.  I am putting it down to me giving him a chunk of money for him that I will take the next 20 years paying off.  Yes I know I can't have it both ways, the house and the money but I still get pangs of being frustrated.  If anyone has a pill that can erase just him out of my memories that would be great.

Thanks as always for listening my lovely wiki friends xx


User comments

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Hi there HKHD, I really feel for you all having to endure such a long legal process - mine was totally done within 16 months of him confessing his love for OW. Even though there's no magical healing the day of the divorce, it's a big relief to be done with the lawyers and courts. Next big relief will be when you no longer have to have contact due to the children. You sound like you are doing really well despite this temporary setback. I'd like a pill to forget my ex too sometimes!
V
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Hi

I am new to this site. I have struggled with my feelings and self worth for nearly three years (all the usual stuff, tears, no sleep, stress, embarrassment). While my STBX is having a lovely life with the woman he cheated and left me for. I've had to cope with bringing up our stroppy rude teenager son who has seen his father rarely since the split.I'm sure our son sees himself almost as my new husband! The divorce is taking forever through the solicitors and costing a fortune. In my case it looks like I will lose far more financially than my ex in the settlement. We are still negotiating who gets what percentage of the house when it's sold. I'd love to think that we are close to an agreement but I am not confident. I won't speak to my ex as after the split when he assured me that he wasn't leaving me for anyone (was trying to be my friend and all chatty), I then discovered proof of his affair. He even made a porn video with his girlfriend, at our family home, which updated to our family computer by accident. I have no idea how to cope with the amount of hate I feel towards him. I feel that certain friends have no idea of my stress levels and think I can just snap out of it. My STBX and I were together for 20 years - what a waste of my life. I'd love to be closer to starting my new life as I feel I've put my son first, even though he doesn't realise it. I'm counting down the months till he finishes his A levels and goes off to Uni.
C
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Hello, and to answer your question, no, not at all wrong that you are now looking forward to being free of him. It's a good time, and it takes some people a lot longer to come to the realisation. It doesn't mean you loved him less, but that you are now taking responsibility for yourself and keen to get on with your life. And I think the whole process has been pretty quick for you: I'm 4 years down the road and it's not all over yet, given the bollox is neglecting to pay child maintenance....

I still mull things over and am not yet done with it. Maybe I never will be. I think a lot about his relationship with the children, and worry about the money while I am not earning enough and he is in default, but other than that I have no interest in him whatsoever. I am much more interested in me, how I allowed this to happen, where I am at fault and what I can do going forward. In other words, though he still occupies brain space for reasons of children and finances, the relationship with me, my being so spectacularly ditched etc, fears of being alone etc - I'm fine with it all and indeed grateful.

I have a new blog these days where I try to sort this stuff out (pm me if you'd like a link), so I'm not on here much, but I do remember when you first appeared, and I can tell you, you sound so much better now! Well done.
E
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In the words of my daughter who supported me throughout.
It was worth every penny just to get rid of her.
P
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Dear hkhd
You're simply feeling the loss, the waste and unworthiness of this man's actions and behaviour that led for the divorce, who said divorce is pleasant it's awful it's ugly it's sad as it's the consequence of the failure in the marriage! You are strong and able treat these times just as a passing cloud when the sun will shine and shine for you my friend wiki ☀️
S