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The rollercoaster

H Updated
Last night I couldn't sleep. I started to reflect on all that has happened over the last few months, how much my ex has changed and the people who he has hurt with his actions. I question how much I really knew the person I was married to. Someone who was capable of causing such pain to those around him and now has no apparent remorse. It seems bizarre to me: the difference from the person I thought I knew to the person has become couldn't be more different. My mum said actions speak louder than words. I guess I spent too long listening to what he had to say. He says that he feels guilty for his actions towards me and that is why he is feeling so bad now, but it doesn't ring true. I think he thought that the grass would be greener and now he is starting to realise that perhaps the problems are within himself and not the marriage. On some level he will know that he has damaged the relationship with his friend, that he may not be able to fix it, that will deeply upset him. During the early hours, when I just couldn't switch off, I held an imaginary conversation with his befriend. I say that I don't quite understand how my stbx his can do this to Jack*. Honestly I know my stbx has treated me badly and that it isn't okay but it could be worse: if the betrayal had come from my befriend AND partner. The worst part is my stbx doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong. That because Jack was only sleeping with the girl and wasn't sure about the girl at the time that his actions in dating / sleeping with her behind his friends back are completely fine. Now that Jack is serious about the girl my stbx thinks that it is all best left in the past. Maybe I am being too judgmental? She was sleeping with both of them at the same time, but when things got serious she ended the relationship with my stbx and then a month later (after comments etc from my stbx on her social media) she blocked him from all her social media accounts. She is young (mid-twenties) and was dating / sleeping with two guys who happened to be bestfriends. When she got serious she ended it with one of them to be with the other. Its my stbx behaviour that is hard to swallow. How he slept with her, how he was contacting her on social media well after he knew she was serious with Jack, how he let his Jack start to get serious with this girl knowing what he had done, how it wasn't even him that ended the relationship for the sake of Jack (it was the girl) and most importantly if he actions aren't bad (like he claims) then why oh why didn't he tell his friend when he had the chance? Because that is the crux of it. You can dress it up in any way you like. But if you had done nothing wrong that your actions would be transparent. Especially to your friend whom you claim to tell everything. I know I can't (and won't) say anything to anyone, that it isn't my place. That the whole situation is toxic, juvenile and I need to let it go. But in my imagination I tell Jack the whole truth. I hate lies. However another reason I hold back is because I don't think my actions would be entirely noble: I want my stbx to face the consequences of what he has done. That isn't a good enough reason and in the long term I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did tell him. Though I found out that things are more serious, that this girl is going to visit my Jack whilst travelling next month. It really breaks my heart: its like watching a car crash in slow motion as I know the pain and heartbreak that is to come. But it isn't my place. I have implored my stbx and the girl to tell the friend but they won't. That is all I can do. The situation helps me feel slightly vindicated. I know Jack: he is a truly nice genuine guy who has done nothing but support my stbx throughout the years. They are like brothers. Yet my ex can do that to him. His disregard for the relationship helps me to understand the end of my marriage better. That it wasn't just me, that whilst I have my faults (at the moment) my ex's relationships are superficial. I accept that people make mistakes, we are all human! But if you truly love someone like he claimed to love his friend and I then you wouldn't have done what you have done. You would have at least attempted to work on the marriage and after sleeping with this girl for the first time you would have told your friend. Because love isn't about being perfect its how we deal with the emotions / actions. Its how we communicate and work with those we love that really counts. Everything else is just paying lipservice to relationships. Actions speak louder than words. I know the reason all of this came up, so I know the way to move on from these issues in the future. I logged on to my Facebook for the first time this year. There right in front of me was a whole album full of my stbx at a birthday party in London. I am not friends with him on social media but it was posted by a mutual friend and I couldn't help but look. I scanned through the images trying to understand the person he has become. Whilst he is smiling it doesn't quite reach his eyes. In some pictures he looks faintly sad an in others he looks manic. Maybe I'm reading too much into it? But after a decade of knowing someone you can tell one look from the other. Even though he is smiling he doesn't look happy. Directly below is a post from his friend, on a beach in South America. He does look genuinely happy, he is travelling to find himself: its lovely to see and an incredible thing to do. The contrast between the two is stark. Its another reason I won't say anything: its nice to know that their is someone out there happy and living their life. I know once he finds out he will be bought down into the dirt with the rest of us. My stbx told me I would do nothing but bring Jack pain if I told him. He knows me too well, he knows what buttons to push in order to shut me up. That if I can spare someone that pain (if only for a little while) then I will. But it stabs at me, seeing those two posts side by side. Knowing that my ex has tainted the happy joyful image of his friend with his sad manic pictures posted directly beside them. All because of his own selfish actions. I shall stay off of Facebook at least until the end of the month and change my settings so no mutual friend posts come up in my feed. Reading back through this post I do start to wonder if my ex has had a psychological break? His actions are so contrary to the person I knew that it just doesn't sit right. Additionally his suicide attempt before Christmas and his family trying to get him sectioned at New Years points to the fact that he is deeply deeply disturbed. His is on medication, so i'm hoping he will soon find some kind of an equilibrium that works for him. The question I am left with: is the breakdown a consequence of his actions over the past few months or are the actions of the past few months a consequence of his breakdown? I knew that he hadn't been acting himself, especially since his younger brother got diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer in 2014 but enough to have such a change in personality? Enough to sabotage the relationships with the two people closest to you? He is not close with his family and won't open up to anyone other than me & Jack yet we are the people he has hurt the most. I am writing this pre-coffee which may explain why this post isn't perhaps as cheery as it could be *takes first sip of latte*. I also noticed that whilst I have a commentary about his actions this entire post is about him. Not about me and my road to recovery. Hopefully I will just get this out of my system and then go on with my day without thinking about it all. I was about to go back, delete all of the above and start all over. But honestly: it wouldn't be genuine if I did. You see I want this blog to be an honest representation of life during a divorce. Its not all self-empowerment, meditating and reflections on the relationship. Sometimes, just sometimes, you want to have a rant about how unfair it all is. Its fine to rant so long as when you are finished you leave it there and move on. So today I talked about how I hate keeping my exes lies and how it has kept me up at night. Tomorrow I hope to talk about the fabulous dinner I have had with my friend and how grateful I am to be surrounded by such incredible people. But who knows, I'm currently on a rollercoaster so what comes up in these posts are as much a surprise to you are they are to me. I literally just sit there and let whatever comes out comes out! Life can be like a roller coaster... And just when you think you've had enough, and your ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go round... You change your mind, throw you hands in the air and ride the roller coaster all over again. That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE. (Stacey Charter) *Changed the name for privacy purposes.

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