Okay… You know those news reports (well, maybe not here in the UK too much, but certainly in the States) where they find dozens and dozens of bodies in some guys basement and they interview the neighbours, and all the neighbours are like, "I'm just so surprised...he was always so nice and quiet and polite"!!! That’s me. I’m the surprised neighbour. I had no idea that the guy I was marrying was…okay, not a serial killer, but a killer of other things like; hopes, dreams, self-esteem, self-worth, confidence. Am I being overly dramatic? Possibly. ‘Cause at the end of the day…I am not technically dead. But I am barely hanging on to the person I am…and the person I used-to-be…is nowhere to be seen. I used to think it was me. Spent YEARS thinking it was me. I felt like I was locked in a cheesy horror movie. (Stick with me here.) Where I was the innocent ingénue who had been accidently locked, overnight, into the insane asylum she was just visiting. Then, the next day…she thinks she’s gonna wake up from the nightmare and get out…except no one believes her. They all think she’s just one of the crazies who says she doesn’t belong there, and… the very fact that she denies this…confirms her insanity to the others. The very fabric of my reality was shifted…and everyone else (and there are so many of them and only one of me) thinks everything is fine. They just can’t understand what I’m making such a great big freakin fuss about. And I’m over here, all, “Hey, this isn’t the way things are supposed to go! I’m supposed to have a say in stuff and my word should be taken seriously and I have the right to have a vote in the way things are decided and done!” And they’re all, “You’re not in Kansas anymore!” (Which is geographically incorrect…’cause I’m from Vegas…but you know what I mean.) Every time I tried to protest all I would get in response, from my husband and others was, “You’re not There…you’re Here. And this is the way we do things Here. And the way you did things There…no longer counts.” And I began to think…maybe they are right…??? Maybe I should be the one to bend and bend and then bend some more. Because I am the odd one out. I am the foreigner. I am the one who wants things differently. So I bend. I bend like a contortionist in the side-show at the Carnival-Of-Freaks. Until…I look at my reflection and no longer recognize the thing looking back. It looks like I am viewing myself in a funhouse mirror. And yet, somehow, it’s familiar. Then it hits me. I look just like everyone around me. I’ve become one of THEM. And…I wake up screaming. So that’s it folks. I have woken up screaming…and realized it’s not a dream, it is my life and it’s all true and I have only myself to blame (…and boy-oh-boy am I great at self-blame!). The only good news…and I’m really stretching the term “good” here…is that I figure that if I got myself into this…I can also be the one responsible for getting myself out. No need to wait for rescue. Gonna take over the asylum…and see how They like it MY way for a change.
I never thought of f*ckwit as Fred West or Harold Shipman before but it has its attractions ...
And yes. No matter what, you can get yourself out of the mess and create a new better life for yourself. Like all things worthwhile it will be difficult and none of us would try to kid you that it can be done without pain, but we are living proof that you can get to the other side and be you again.
Similar comment was made to me in the early months too Vastra and whilst terrifying it prepares you for the fact that you and you alone have to go through it (with help from Wikis of course :)) but I think that being forewarned as to how difficult the process can be really helps in weighing up whether it is the only option available to you and I suppose, if there is no major urgency to leave the situation, you have the luxury of time in which to look into possible ways of changing your life. Again, my initial reaction, when everything went wrong in my life was that none of it was my fault and I would have been quite indignant at the time had anyone suggested otherwise, but once you start peeling away at that onion, through the tears, things do start to become clearer and I can honestly say I have learnt and still am learning so much about myself and becoming a much stronger person. Sounds like you have already done a lot of groundwork, Stillshining, and it is just whether you are ready, or indeed have no option but to jump into the abyss.
I think you are right about needing to work out your "escape" plan yourself. One of the phrases that stuck with me in the early months was "there is no emotional rescue squad coming to save you from all this pain". Shoegirl often makes the point that she worked hard on understanding why she ended up in a relationship with someone so incapable of emotional intimacy and a genuine partnership. I think that's where the money is with you (and me too).