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The weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful

elizadoolittle
Updated
I've been having long conversations lately with recently separated men, both of whom have gone straight to the dating scene, fearing loneliness. (And also looking for sex.)
And some women feel the same.
I can imagine that if you are recently separated and all alone, you may be feeling sorry for yourself, especially in this freezing whether!
I'm a few years down the line now and - not to gloat, but to give hope - I've just had a lovely evening all by myself. The last of my children is off at uni now and I live alone for the first time in over 30 years. Admittedly, my boiler has not packed in, and indeed I made myself a roaring fire. I cooked what I wanted for my dinner, early, and ate it in front of the telly, watching a subtitled video I have had for ages and never got round to. The video was recommended by a Frenchman I took in as a lodger while waiting to sell the big house after my ex took off and stopped giving us any money. I would never have met this charming young man, never have met many of my closest friends of the last few years (some through wikivorce), never have bought my own home, never got a job after over 20 years out of the workforce, never have written a book, and never had the satisfaction of living my own life.
I honestly thought I could not live without him. I could barely breathe and made myself very unwell, as some old timers here may remember. I had no way to support myself and were it not for my children, would have wanted to end it all. How silly it seems now that I am living a more authentic and satisfying life. I can moan about my more modest means, my commute and my job, but I know where I stand and I like it.
If I, who was so utterly dependent on my husband, can do this when I thought it impossible, so can you.

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Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and with time all those thoughts of ex stop clamouring quite so much and you stop worrying all the time about how unfair things are and just get on with it, at least that was my experience. I still do feel hurt or upset from time to time when it seems like the grass is greener in his neck of the woods but I can honestly say now that I am very grateful not to be shackled to him any longer, even if there was a time when that was what I wanted.

Keep up the good work Hatton and dnails. xx
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yes agree Eliza nice to know there is light at end I am the same position as you Hatton 1, my ex is now in rented accommodation (within 1 month was on dating sites) dating some new woman told eldest after 2 dates. So now being a complete arse to me (cold as ice), seems to have no memory of 27 years together and rubbing my nose in it at every chance to show me how amazing new GF is. Rushing to introduce her to our DDs, meeting her famiy (whats the big rush) only being seeing each other 6 weeks.

In the midst of all of this I am trying to wade my way thru the treacle of divorce (he doesn't seem to have a clue, too busy getting his ego and other parts stroked). Maybe this is too my advantage as I can focus on what really matters right now the finances and getting a decent settlement.

What I hate is how much energy all this takes and the angry (both sides). We have the complication of running a business together (which is struggling). However I am lucky that I have a profession and the businss was based on my skills (although ex now running it as I just can't work there or with him). I nearly had a breakdown a few years ago when this started as I was so demoralised and depressed in every part of my life from business, to marriage to being a parent. I felt so invisible, under valued, trappled on I seemed to have no voice. I just couldn't take any more he was desperate to mend fencese for about 18 months and we had masses of couple counselling but I just couldn't 'medn those fences' I was so angry for how he behaved towards me.

Even though this new path is v. precaurious and hard work at present I feel it is like you say Hatton1 more honest. In our marriage we seemed to live on sand with mounting debts, always with money problems, martial 'bed' issues (I didn't fancy him) wehre I became v anxious and in the end he behaved v. badly towards me. He always self justifies his behaviour but I felt at times like a piece of meat. He got on top of me on one occassion (because I got into bed with no clothes on so he saw it as the 'green' light to have sex. Even now he just thinks it was fine to do what he did.

Of course now he has an ego the size of a planet w new GF who is probably up for it all the time and calling him 'hot' he has justified his appalling behaviour to me as normal. I was so traumatised when I saw my solicitor I couldn;t file for divorce under 'unreasonalbe' behavour as I was so terrified he would maniplute things so he would get control of our daughters especially the younger one. So I have waited a further 10 months to find the strength to start the divorce.

He is so angry now for many reasons it is all so sad as up until about 5 years ago we were a good partnership largely but everything jsut piled up.

I hope going forward I can find peace and a calmer place but right now it feels relentless
:) :)
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yes agree Eliza nice to know there is light at end I am the same position as you Hatton 1, my ex is now in rented accommodation (within 1 month was on dating sites) dating some new woman told eldest after 2 dates. So now being a complete arse to me (cold as ice), seems to have no memory of 27 years together and rubbing my nose in it at every chance to show me how amazing new GF is. Rushing to introduce her to our DDs, meeting her famiy (whats the big rush) only being seeing each other 6 weeks.

In the midst of all of this I am trying to wade my way thru the treacle of divorce (he doesn't seem to have a clue, too busy getting his ego and other parts stroked). Maybe this is too my advantage as I can focus on what really matters right now the finances and getting a decent settlement.

What I hate is how much energy all this takes and the angry (both sides). We have the complication of running a business together (which is struggling). However I am lucky that I have a profession and the businss was based on my skills (although ex now running it as I just can't work there or with him). I nearly had a breakdown a few years ago when this started as I was so demoralised and depressed in every part of my life from business, to marriage to being a parent. I felt so invisible, under valued, trappled on I seemed to have no voice. I just couldn't take any more he was desperate to mend fencese for about 18 months and we had masses of couple counselling but I just couldn't 'medn those fences' I was so angry for how he behaved towards me. he is v. passsive person always sits on the fence, never wanting to take responsibility the dynamics between us were so unbalanced.
We became so poliarised still are I have tried hard to be amicable but he isn't interested. Friends say I need to stop pandinerng to him and focus on me now which I am now doing.

Even though this new path is v. precaurious and hard work at present I feel it is like you say Hatton1 more honest. In our marriage we seemed to live on sand with mounting debts, always with money problems, martial 'bed' issues (I didn't fancy him) wehre I became v anxious and in the end he behaved v. badly towards me. He always self justifies his behaviour but I felt at times like a piece of meat. He got on top of me on one occassion (because I got into bed with no clothes on so he saw it as the 'green' light to have sex. Even now he just thinks it was fine to do what he did.

Of course now he has an ego the size of a planet w new GF who is probably up for it all the time and calling him 'hot' he has justified his appalling behaviour to me as normal. I was so traumatised when I saw my solicitor I couldn;t file for divorce under 'unreasonalbe' behavour as I was so terrified he would maniplute things so he would get control of our daughters especially the younger one. So I have waited a further 10 months to find the strength to start the divorce.

He is so angry now for many reasons it is all so sad as up until about 5 years ago we were a good partnership largely but everything jsut piled up.

I hope going forward I can find peace and a calmer place but right now it feels relentless
Comment
Lovely post Eliza, it's heartening to know life can carry on and indeed improve. I read your blog and realise what a remarkable journey ( apologies for the cliche ) that you have not only survived but appear to have eventually thrived on.
I am still in the midst of the financial settlement and there are still too many days I would prefer to give up / run away. Still getting abusive emails that it's all my fault he doesn't see the kids, what a terrible person I am for trying to take all his hard earned money etc. But nearly 18 months on, I can sometimes see light through the trees. Eldest will be off to university in September, youngest has another 3 years at home. That's what I am dreading, because then I really will be alone. I don't mind not having a partner, can't see it ever happening and that's ok. But my kids have been my world and I am scared about what happens then. Like you I was completely dependent on the ex, and I now have a full time job, but it's never going to be a career. I don't know if just 'me' is enough to keep going. I allowed myself to become that creature I know but now it feels so foolish.
At the moment it's head down and get through it, the future and it's emptiness feels....like a giant chasm just waiting for me.