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Time Capsule

S Updated
So...I've moved into my own place and am living alone for the first time in my life EVER. No kids, no Other...not even a pet 'cause my cat died just days before my move. Just me. Wow. You have a lot of time on your hands when you've no one to worry about, take care of or keep track of...but yourself! So I'm unpacking. Like you do. I'm unpacking boxes that have been packed...and stayed packed...for years. My STBX (wow...think that's the firs time I've written that!) is a hoarder. So there was really never any room for my paltry belongings. So am basically opening a time capsule of about 8 -or so- years ago. And I come across a journal. I bought it just after our 1st anniversary. I remember a therapist I once had advocating journaling as a source to use to try to make sense of jumbled thoughts when you don't have a sounding-board-friend around to assist. So, I tried it for a little while. While it helped to get it out in a purging sort of way. It didn't help to make decisions or come to conclusions and just sort of added to my misery to see it all down in black and white...so I gave it up. But seeing the misery...the hopelessness...in my own writing... And then realizing that I stayed for another 7+ YEARS?!?!?! WTF. ---Expert from journal--- My life is a mystery to me. As unrecognizable as the face in the mirror to a person who has amnesia. Like someone in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's - I wander into the recesses of my mind and seem to have forgotten where I have put myself! I have trouble meeting my own eyes in the mirror, as I would those of a friend whom I have disappointed. I seem to have the dream life many women hope for - but nothing I want - nothing I need - nothing I dreamed for. I feel alone. I feel utterly alone. Betrayed, tricked, fooled, abandoned, adrift, friendless. The days float by one after the other and I hardly have the energy to notice. Their passing seemingly so swift yet so agonizingly slow - as if my life has become no more than a terminal disease which, just as surely as a cancer left untreated and undiagnosed, will end with my ending. My plans - my hopes and dreams- lay about me now as a toppled house of cards. Marry in haste repent at leisure. Isn't that what they say? I know some of the fault lays with me. For I believed him. I wanted to believe in him. Needed to even. But I was wrong. So very, very wrong. He is not what he portrayed himself to be. He is neither thinker nor scholar. Neither romantic nor romancer. Not parent but child. Not man but boy. Cannot lead. Will not follow. Refusing to change. - but expectant of change in all those about him. ---End--- If I were this person's friend I would have advised her to run. Run now. Run fast. And don't look back! But I didn't have that friend. Actually I didn't have any friends. Actually, if I'm being totally honest here...I still don't have even a single friend. What I do have is almost a decade of my life gone with nothing to show for it but me, all alone, in a big empty place, in a foreign country and not the foggiest idea of how to start all over. Yet again.

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I agree with above. You posted this in August. And you kindly commented on my recent post. How are you now?
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Hmm. I could have written something like it, if I had had any self awareness.

If I can step into the role of that friend you don't have for a moment:

Start afresh. Don't wallow in the past (I'm not saying don't learn from it), but put your attention to your present and immediate future. And since a recurring theme from what I remember of your previous posts is loneliness or friendlessness, why not tackle that before anything else? Before unpacking even. You say the boxes have lain unopened for years, what's another little while? Google Meetups and you will find something. Or your local or not so local users sites for groups that you can join. Volunteer for things. Take a few steps out of your own company and you will find friends. Don't wait until you have tidied up/lost weight/got a job/whatever. Just take a step and you will reap rewards.

I am trying a new thing: saying yes instead of no. I always used to have an excuse. And gradually I'm learning what makes me feel better. Ironically, considering that the last XX years were spent within my four walls, what I find most invigorating is talking to strangers and seeing new sights and learning new stuff. I am making friends wherever I go, even if I never see them again. So enriching.

Good luck and keep us posted.
E