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D Updated
As an exciting guy, a man of mystery, a being of endless talent i did what i always do on a Saturday morning, clean the toilet,why in the name of all that is decent would i write about that you ask, well because even the simplest task can become complicated or is it just me. Childproof caps, and suddenly all the men know where i`m going here, you see men are strong Grrrrr and tough Grrrrr and we can fix stuff Grrrrrr we understand the mystery that is the flat pack, we can park cars without the need for a pontoon to bridge the gap to the curb, we fix stuff rather than hit it with a shoe in the hope that it will make it work ;) (that one is for the missus), girls well girls are soft and gentle and they bake cakes and arrange flowers and are good at ironing, and if you think any of that is true your sadly mistaken. So to finish off the cleaning one bottle of bleach, easy, push down and turn anti-clockwise, push click, push click hmmmmmm push click push click, could it be that doing a sissy job for the last five years has reduced my strength to that of a four year old girl?, no i just need to use brute strength, two minutes later i am on the floor with the bottle between my knees making noises only a women giving birth has the right to make, push click push click, YOU (i can`t repeat what was said, in fact my mother would slap me into another time line if she knew). Time to use the man brain, tools, i have many, a quick fettle under the bed and i was armed with a multi clamp set a vice a hand hacksaw an industrial plainer and lastly a pick saw you would use to cut branches from trees, over the top well probably..................one of the advantages of living alone is i can do what i like where i like, so of to the kitchen to clamp the vice to the work top, now for some reason by this point i had taken to threatening the bleach, ive got you now you bleeper, think you can stop me do ya, lets see how clever your mechanism is now eh! ya bleeping bleeper. Into the vice the doomed bottle went, my victory assured, only defeat remained for the yellow bottle (other colours available) one turn of the vice and another, one more for good luck, just to add some drama i did a short speech on preparing to meet its maker, which thinking about it was a bit daft because i would have had to post it to China, oh well, anyway one swift action of the pick saw and BOOM a jet of bleach spewed out like the clappers, i immediately jumped back hit the fridge and fell backwards into the dinning room, so there i am prostrate looking at this ever decreasing stream of bleach spraying the wall and cupboards, still it gave me time to think how long it would take to clean half a bottle of neat bleach from the tools walls worktops and cupboards, two hours for anyone interested. So i have a new plan, next week i will take the bottle to a little old lady over the road to open, with a yellow post-it on my forehead with "honestly Dora i can`t" written on it. Right i need to go burn food.

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Thanks for the laugh ;D Men.....don't stop to ask for directions....don't read instructions either - enough said ;)
To fettle is to fix or solve a problem to have a fettle is to try, don't bother with a dictionary though it's pretty much only used in Durham.
I am deeply disturbed by Little Miss Scaryspice's criteria for potential husbands! Great fun though.
I so look forward to your life stories.

Particularly liked "other colours available".
Hilarious Dukey!

Just curious - what on earth is 'a fettle under the bed'? Do I even want to know?

You take care now. Nothing more dangerous than a ketchup bottle from now on. xx

Just read this to my daughter - she said he saounds sweet ,you should marry him !!!!
Useless male I say ,give it here ,I'll do it !!

Very funny ,thanks Dukey xx
*wiping the tears away*. On the positive side, your kitchen is also very clean now. 2 birds with one stone, gift horses and their mouths (or something)....
Oh the brown stuff, cleaning the toilets, that's easy peasey.
It's the green stuff I can't do, yes that, achummmm, achummm, splurt, achumm green stuff achoooo that is all around. Green stuff, yeh grass achummm, achhumm, achumm.
So I'd rather swap places with you Dukey and do some of the easy stuff.
And don't listen to the royal highness above, he has little old ladies to open his bottles and all sorts!!
ps I'm not grey yet!
Yet more indisputable evidence along with the shopping quiche cooking and Doctors now the inability to undo the bleach top......this is a cumulative medical condition known as............NANCY BOY!! ;D

You made me smile. Cute but all I can say is 'put that bottle down..slowly'.

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