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Treading water

E Updated
Driving with the radio on. Bette Midler. 'Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I would like to be? I can fly higher than an eagle, 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.' Burst into tears. I used to hear that song and think of him. Was I out of my ****ing mind? Honestly? Wings?? What was I thinking?? I was definitely not flying. Sinking. Not waving but drowning. So you see, the famous delusion that we so often talk of here on wiki, and from which my stbx suffers to a staggering degree, is not confined to the leavers, the adulterers, the abusers and the instigators. When I find myself thinking, as I still do (often) 'how COULD he??' I suppose I would do well to remind myself of my own deluded thinking. I see it now as a kind of Stockholm syndrome, but recognise that there are two sides to every story. I know too that I contributed in no small way to the fact that my wings atrophied, and to the demise too of my marriage. I'm learning, thank goodness. I'm putting in an awful lot of work (therapy, thinking, reading), and paying an awfully high price (home, health, sleep, family, pain) for the lessons but... Better late than never.

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Love that song but for my sister not stbx so different tears.

Eliza as free says you are the wind now girl. Hurricane,storm or gentle breeze you are the deciding factor.
Keeping facing into it and getting stronger.
xxx

E
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There are a lot of us that were the wind beneath our cheating ex's wings. Their loss! You are now the wind beneath your own wings Eliza! You are investing in yourself and that is priceless. X
F
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Thinking of you Eliza x
The song that still reduces me to tears every time is Jeff Buckley's cover of Hallelujah - I just skip it on the CD now!
V
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Sorry Eliza. Didn't mean to give you a shock :)

It did become cold out there in the shadow and our turn to feel the sunlight on our faces. We're gradually getting there! x
A
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Thanks all as usual. Nice to know you are out there and it's a dialogue and sharing eg those lyrics and your thoughts.

Angie your point gave me quite a shock. I'm reeling a bit actually. What does it say about me that it never occurred to me that I might be the wind??? If I had not been there, encouraging, believing, making do , enabling etc it could all have exploded much sooner. That would have saved us all a lot of bother. But I am just starting to be able to look back on my former self with some compassion where previously it had only been indignation, fury and self loathing.

Move on, la la la .....
E
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I've been listening to this song a lot. Love abba. Always have. Great words.

"They say a restless body can hide a peaceful soul.
A voyager, ad a settler, they both have a distant goal.
If I explore the heavens, or if I search inside.
Well, it really doesn't matter as long as I can tell myself
I've always tried."

Like a roller in the ocean, life is motion
Move on
Like a wind that's always blowing, life is flowing
Move on
Like the sunrise in the morning, life is dawning
Move on
How I treasure every minute
Being part of it, being in it
With the urge to move on

I've travelled every country, I've travelled in my mind
It seems we're on a journey, a trip through space and time
And somewhere lies the answer
To all the questions why
What really makes the difference
Between all dead and living things, the will to stay alive

Like a roller in the ocean (la la la la la la-la)
Life is motion (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
Like a wind that's always blowing (la la la la la la-la)
Life is flowing (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
Like the sunrise in the morning (la la la la la la-la)
Life is dawning (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
How I treasure every minute (la la la la)
Being part of it (la la la la)
Being in it (la la la la)
With the urge to move on

The morning breeze that ripples the surface of the sea
The crying of the seagulls that hover over me
I see it and I hear it
But how can I explain
The wonder of the moment
To be alive, to feel the sun that follows every rain

Like a roller in the ocean (la la la la la la-la)
Life is motion (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
Like a wind that's always blowing (la la la la la la-la)
Life is flowing (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
Like the sunrise in the morning (la la la la la la-la)
Life is dawning (la la la la la la-la)
Move on (la la la la-la)
How I treasure every minute (la la la la)
Being part of it (la la la la-ah)
Being in it
With the urge to move on

La la la la la la-la, la la la la la la-la, la la la la-la
Like a wind that's always blowing
La la la la la la-la
La la la la la la-la (life is flowing)
La la la la-la (move on)
Like the sunrise in the morning
La la la la la la-la
La la la la la la-la (life is dawning)
La la la la-la (move on)
How I treasure every minute (la la la la)
Being part of it (la la la la-ah)
Being in it
With the urge to move on
La la la la la la-la, la la la la la la-la, la la la la-la
Like a wind that's always blowing...

[fade]
H
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Quite a song that eh? My nan and grandad's (who were married over 60 years) favourite song, and also our last dance song at our wedding. I still can't really listen to the slow lovey dovey songs just yet. To painful
H
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Eliza - just like you I am learning and also feel have paid a pretty high price in the unravelling of the relationship and examination of self.

Think I know where you are coming from (had to google atrophied :) but have a slightly different take on it. Think I was the wind. Ran out of puff and never again want to be in a relationship which is not built on mutual respect and partnership.
A
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Eliza,this song has special significance to me also,but differant to yours.

I nursed my father through his final months of cancer,and this was our song,but he really was my hero.The sad thing Twonk was brilliant with him also,and my Dad really looked upon him as his own son,and maybe how Twonk also looked after my Dad with some of his personal needs,he would have become Dad's hero,alas my beloved Dad would have been wrong on that score.....

Yep lesson's learnt..
But I still feel the wind beneath my wings :) :)
A