Saturday would have been our 5th Wedding Anniversay. These last few days have been difficult to say the least... All I could think about was our wedding day and how everything was perfect. We had a civil ceremony in a National Trust property and it was beautiful...the registrar gave us the candle that was lit during the service and each year since that we have lit it on our anniversay...but of course not this year. This year I spent it alone wondering what my stbx was doing or more importantly who he was with. I can't quite believe I am in this position in such a short space of time..5 years is no time really...it has ended before it hardly began. I have little or no contact with him but yesterday he sent me a message saying Saturday was difficult for him also and that he was hoping I was ok and that he had thought about everything he has done to me and that he cares about me still. I have talked this over with my counsellor this morning...in amoungst the tears.... She told me he is just trying to make himself feel better...less guilty. By doing it he stirred up a lot of emotion i have struggled to suppress but the flood gates have opened and it's all right there again like it happened yesterday. I replied to him telling him all sorts of things I now wish I'd kept to myself...why don't I learn to keep my mouth shut instead of reacting like I do. I't too late now though I've said it and I can't take it back. My life is so crap at the moment...all this stuff with the house and everything is just getting me down. I try to keep up apperances and don't let my family see how much this is hurting me, but I couldn't hide it from the counsellor this morning. So now I am fed up and depressed and feeling like I have taken a million steps backwards. When is this ever going to end...it's wearing me down and I don't have any fight left in me...just tears and sadness all over again.
One of the things that might help is to really think about how you can start to lean on others and let your feelings and emotions out with safe people. What I mean by that is people that will be there for you. I certainly would think about hiding your feelings as this takes much needed energy and will drain you. I learned to be truthful with people close to me without it seeming needy. For example, I would say, I'm having a really bad time at the moment, I stopped trying to put on a brave face. The brave face was strictly for work and places where I could not express emotion. Others in my life who cared knew my true feelings and certainly I would be very honest with the counsellor. Progress in therapy is linked to how honest and open you can be. It takes time to build trust on honesty with feelings sometimes.
As for your Stbx and the recent communication. Well done for sustaining no contact for a time. It's very hard at first and everyday of no contact feels like a stab wound to the heart. Eventually, it gets to the point where you have no idea how long no contact has gone on for, is a way of life. It's early days for you yet.
Keep reminding yourself though words are cheap. Do his actions tell you he is experiencing remorse? Or is it words generated by his own self pity. Does he show any real understanding of the impact of his actions on you? It seems to me that it's words just to try and make himself feel better about what he has done. As for replying, you are human and it is a huge adjustment coming to terms with the loss of a spouse. The heart has to catch up with the head, it's not always rational. Don't give yourself a hard time, just think about what you would do differently if he tried to contact you in this way again and move on from it, focussing on what you need right now to get through this tough time.
Geordie Girl, the others have said everything I can think of - so I will send a hug - hang on - it will pass - Danny is right - next year will hurt less - I can't promise it will go away (but who knows) - but it will hurt less. Your counsellor sounds like a helpful person - I am glad you have him/her. Take good care of yourself and promise yourself a treat - just for you on Saturday - a duvet day, meeting friends, a large bottle of wine - whatever gets you through the day.
Big hug GG. I remember this one well. It hurt like hell and its just something you have to go through. I sent my ex a message acknowledging the date but I wish I had'nt. I promise you one thing, next year it will matter less. Try to keep hold of one thing ...this time last year you wouldnt have guessed that now your life would feel as bad as it does. But why in a year from now cant it go the other way? Im sure it will. Keep scrapping for all you are worth. It does occasionally come back to bite but you will learn how to deal with that (sometimes like me with some much needed words of wisdom from fellow'travellers'. Take care x
Its so damned hard at times to hold back the hurt. You want it to go away, bury it, just to make it stop. But that really doesnt work. In many ways it just postpones the agony.
Selling my house now, which is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had always wanted to grow old and die with my STBX. Sounds bizarre I know, but that was what I wanted. I still have good days and bad days, and that is after nearly 5 months.
The thing I am trying to focus on is the future. Rebuilding my life. I dont mean to sound patronising, but that is what you should try to do. Its not easy, as I said, I struggle with it all some days. But I know if I let it all get to me, I would do something really stupid. So I struggle on.
No-one knows when it all will end, I sure as hell dont. But it does end. One day you will wake up and realise that you havent hurt. AND, you will realise that you havent hurt for a while. Perhaps a week or a month, though it may even be longer than that. When you live with the hurt it seems all consuming. It is like an elephant in your living room. But one day that will be gone, but because you have been so used to it, you may not notice its absence, not for a while at least.
Stay strong. Youre probably doing better than I am right now. And remember that its not about fighting all the time, its about fighting the battles that are worth fighting, the ones that can be won with a minimum of casualties. That means on both sides.
hi geordie girl, yes its hard to let go. many a time i have told my ex things i wish i hadn't. Your councellor is spot on about him saying things to you to make him feel less guilty. my first Christmas my ex did exactly the same. Don't beat yourself up tho about regretting texts etc you have sent to him we are all only human, things will get better again x