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What is going on here?

E Updated
Driving back from taking my daughter to uni yesterday, as so many of us here seem to be doing. Crawling in traffic, gloomy weather. Gloomy life. Suddenly the road cleared and the sky cleared and there was the end of a rainbow, almost vertical, seemingly touching the road ahead of me. It cheered me so much, it even made me smile to see that each time it appeared I must surely drive straight into it, it darted to the other side of the road and escaped me again and again in a doomed game of catch me if you can. If only I could reach the pot of gold! And then I thought: why do I feel the urge to write this down and post it on here? Can it be, as my therapist suggested this week, that I am lonely? I was so surprised by her comment I laughed out loud. I mean, I know my husband has abandoned me out of the blue after a long marriage, but I honestly never thought of myself as lonely. I feel I have lots of friends, and I have family. And although I no longer have him, that is (as I now know very well) the good news. But when I challenged her, she talked of my inability to make decisions, my fear of making mistakes in all things large and small, which stifles my every move. My need for validation from others. Yes, that is true. But that is not lonely. Today, clearing up and seeing back issues of a periodical I subscribed to many years ago, and reflecting on the less than half price subscription offer that had come through the post, I thought ‘sod it!’. I have cancelled everything, pared down everything, not spent a single penny on myself, not just since he f*cked off with all our money and then some, but even when we were together. I found myself thinking ‘I want to read this periodical’. And a little voice asked ‘why?’ and ‘how can you justify the cost?’ and I answered myself: ‘because that is the sort of person I want to be!’ Which, believe it or not, is more forceful and certain than I have felt for a long, long time. So I bloody well did it. I rang up and placed the order. Felt guilty and great at the same time. It’s £29.99 we’re talking about here. I must be mad to get this worked up. Someone I used to know took 6 figure sums from me behind my back and chartered planes to exotic locations (who knows with whom?) telling me he was on an expenses paid business trip to some other place entirely. There was I feeling great and now I feel pathetic. Still, I have 12 issues of something I like coming my way. Small steps.

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7 comments
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You know what Eliza? I found like you that the simple pleasures in life give me the most joy like that beautiful rainbow or sitting by a lake, river or on a beach watching the waves crash against the rocks. Glad you have discovered some things that bring you a little happiness.
F
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Hi Eliza,

There's nothing wrong with chasing a few rainbows; noticing the beauty around you is a good sign of healing. The important thing is that you are actually finding your real self again. Now that is good news. x
M
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Hi Eliza, I think there is a lot to be said for making progress in small moments like chasing rainbows and buying magazines! You are stronger than you think. Keep blogging, I always enjoy reading your musings. V x
V
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Dear Eliza

I'm so chuffed that you didn't push away these feelings and instead acted on them. Its fantastic that you didn't allow the fear to dictate the outcome and ignore your desires. This is the authentic you trying to surface, well done you. I truly hope that you thoroughly enjoy the pages of these periodicals and find pleasure in this little pot of gold. I hope you carry on listening to that little inner voice because that's where the real pot of gold is.

Warmest wishes to you

LG xXx
L
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Good on you. Splash out on a year of pleasure- well 12 issues. Good to hear you are moving forward and will catch your rainbow's end pot sooner.
I
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Completely understand the feeling. Never felt so good than when i went through some of my textbooks from Uni, thinking, yes, i know this, it's part of who i am.
J
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Eliza - it's not pathetic at all. It sounds as if you took a step in the direction of finding yourself again - well the essence of who you are as many of change so much on this journey. Great you got so much pleasure from seeing the rainbow as well. For me reconnecting with the wonders of nature has helped (realise sounds a bit "out there") but true in my case. As for feeling lonely I think, for many, however many friends etc you may have there is still that gaping void left after having been in a long marriage. All sounding pretty positive to me x
A