I feel like a nutcase. My stbx is the one who is a nutcase. He left it all for a similar job to what he has now in the developed world to have a life of adventure in a third world country. Some days I wish he had left me for another woman as that would provoke some anger. I can't believe he left me, our house, families, friends etc.. all because he is an adrenaline junky. He also left me with a big mortgage and the responsibility for our pet. What is so great about Jakarta? Earthquakes or Tsunami's or all the possibility for illness?
Deep down inside I want him to come back to his senses and apologize and go back to the way things were 8 months ago before his first foreign assignment to Thailand. He was always slightly narcisstic and always wanted to be the "macho man" of the house. The problem according to my friends and family was that we were never equals. I treated him with the same respect as anyone else in my life who I loved but he always felt inferior to me in terms of education, my career, my salary, my ability to construct an argument, accolades I received, envious of my family and their accomplishments and how close we were, etc... I never talked much about my accomplishments or things I was proud of to him (kept those conversations for close family) and focussed on trying to make him feel good about what he was accomplishing and how far he had come since our early days together.
At first he said he admired me and loved me but then the truth came out. Before we married I remember asking him if he was positive he wanted me as I saw a huge discrepancy between our relationship and the marriage his parents had (dominant father who was passive agressive towards mother). He swore this is exactly what he did not want.
In one of our last conversations before leaving me he talked about having to better than me and how he was tired of me being dominant. I am not that personality type but it was just the way he felt inside. We could not have the same relationship his parents have where his dad buys whatever toys he wants at the expense of putting the family unit first and the mom goes along with it because she was dependent.
After trying to rationalize his actions during the final months when he left, I have come to the conclusion that it was about HIS desires.
I believe he had malignant narcissistic personality disorder NPD as he had all 9 of these characteristics in the end :
- has a grandiose sense of self-importance
- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
- believes they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also "special" or of high status
- requires excessive admiration
- has a sense of entitlement
- is interpersonally exploitative (uses people)
- lacks empathy
- is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
The reason I think he had the malignant is because although he was always a narcissist he did not become NPD until he started doing things in his life where he started to feel accomplished. He also could never stay at one job too long and has a needed to travel constantly. Kind of like ADD or the two year old who gets tired of his toy. Sometimes I think and feel like I was tossed away like a child's favorite toy or candy once the child saw something better. In his case that someonthing better was not being tied down/trapped to any responsibility and a better life elsewhere in the world with no worries.
Any humility or feelings of any kind my stbx had were gone. He was so cold. He started feeling he was worthy of more than I gave. He was exposed to the submissive women/wives of SE Asia. He had to be the man in control and he could not control or illicit the reactions he expected from me.
Rationally I don't think he will ever come back or contact me again or apologize. But I sometimes wonder if I could please have my old husband back. The man I gave 7 years of dedicated love to.