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Why do I want him to come crawling back?

H Updated

I feel like a nutcase.  My stbx is the one who is a nutcase.  He left it all for a similar job to what he has now in the developed world to have a life of adventure in a third world country.  Some days I wish he had left me for another woman as that would provoke some anger.  I can't believe he left me, our house, families, friends etc.. all because he is an adrenaline junky. He also left me with a big mortgage and the responsibility for our pet.  What is so great about Jakarta?  Earthquakes or Tsunami's or all the possibility for illness?

Deep down inside I want him to come back to his senses and apologize and go back to the way things were 8 months ago before his first foreign assignment to Thailand.  He was always slightly narcisstic and always wanted to be the "macho man" of the house.  The problem according to my friends and family was that we were never equals.  I treated him with the same respect as anyone else in my life who I loved  but he always felt inferior to me in terms of education, my career, my salary, my ability to construct an argument,  accolades I received, envious of my family and their accomplishments and how close we were, etc...  I never talked much about my accomplishments or things I was proud of to him (kept those conversations for close family) and focussed on trying to make him feel good about what he was accomplishing and how far he had come since our early days together.  

At first he said he admired me and loved me but then the truth came out.  Before we married I remember asking him if he was positive he wanted me as I saw a huge discrepancy between our relationship and the marriage his parents had (dominant father who was passive agressive towards mother).  He swore this is exactly what he did not want.

In one of our last conversations before leaving me he talked about having to better than me and how he was tired of me being dominant.  I am not that personality type but it was just the way he felt inside.  We could not have the same relationship his parents have where his dad buys whatever toys he wants at the expense of putting the family unit first and the mom  goes along with it because she was dependent.

After trying to rationalize his actions during the final months when he left, I have come to the conclusion that it was about HIS desires. 

I believe he had malignant narcissistic personality disorder NPD as he had all 9 of these characteristics in the end :

  1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
  2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love (megalomania)
  3. believes they are "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, people (or institutions) who are also "special" or of high status
  4. requires excessive admiration
  5. has a sense of entitlement
  6. is interpersonally exploitative (uses people)
  7. lacks empathy
  8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
  9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The reason I think he had the malignant is because although he was always a narcissist he did not become NPD until he started doing things in his life where he started to feel accomplished.  He also could never stay at one job too long and has a needed to travel constantly. Kind of like ADD or the two year old who gets tired of his toy.  Sometimes I think and feel like I was tossed away like a child's favorite toy or candy once the child saw something better.  In his case that someonthing better was not being tied down/trapped to any responsibility and a better life elsewhere in the world with no worries.

Any humility or feelings of any kind my stbx had were gone. He was so cold. He started feeling he was worthy of more than I gave.  He was exposed to the submissive women/wives of SE Asia.  He had to be the man in control and he could not control or illicit the reactions he expected from me.

Rationally I don't think he will ever come back or contact me again or apologize.  But I sometimes wonder if I could please have my old husband back.  The man I gave 7 years of dedicated love to.

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Hi JulesM, JackieH and Mitchum,

It is nice to connect with ppl from all over.

JulesM: I do feel abandonned and rationnaly I know I should never let this guy back into my life ever! But even if I get a glimpse of a photo/memory of the past that was pleasant, I just melt. All those logical, rational thoughts go away. I just want my honey back. My love for him will most likely always live on despite the way I was treated which some may call foolish.

JackieH: My stbx probably will find himself a nice new submmissive woman if has not already. Your right in that our stbx were probably not that great after all. We were clinging to an image we had in our brain and became attached to. But that image was close to perfection in my mind and therefore my heart and mind were stable. I can't say I am the most stable person right now.

Mitchum your stbx may need you at some point and only you can determine how you will handle it. My father much like my stbx abandonned his family but due to cultural considerations my parents never officially split up and my mother cared for him til the very end (he died of brain cancer) and he reconciled with his kids and grand kids only at the last minute (1 month to live). I really think love is blind and your statement that "This person was the same all along" is something I have learned. My stbx was mean and callous to others often saying he just went too far in his joking. I should have seen it for what it was... mean and callous. He ended up treating me the way he treated others right before my very eyes.
H
Comment
I have this idea (and this makes me sound like a nutcase I know!) when I keep thinking he's going to need me sometime. He's either ill or been hurt and wants me. We've been living in the same house, although I think it's sold now and I'm packing, but I've been expecting him to say he's sorry and it's all been a terrible mistake.

Not going to happen! The first affair which was going on when he ended our relationship 18 months ago ended and he tells me he's 'been seeing a couple of other women' since. He told me it was love with the first one. Mmmmm! Soon got over that one then!

Going over your checklist I can see my ex has some of those characteristics, although I assumed his megalomania was the result of having a high (the highest) position in a company where no one would dare to tell him 'No!' and women threw themselves at him.

In my case this whole episode has been driven by what he wanted his life plan; his time-scale;his needs.

I relate very much to your line about being throw away like a forgotten toy. A redundant partner? Throw her away!

Did you find that the more you got in the way of his plans the more vicious he became?

It's strange/significant that many of us record not recognising this person the ex has become. His father, aged almost 90, asked me 'When did he become this person?' the honest answer probably is that he had been this person all along it's just that we didn't know.

Take care Broken. I hope we will soon begin to heal.




M
Comment
I can also se similarities here with my stbx.I have been thinking a lot about his family background too which I think has been relevant(alcoholic bully as a Father and a mouse/victim for a Mother). From his Mother I learned that his Dad had hit his Mother for years which explained the fear my stbx had of his Father and the repressed rage/aggression in his personality.Funy how you start to piece all these things together in hindsight. Anyway he now has an adoring, needy, neurotic partner who thinks he is wonderful! He has taken all his problems with him into this new relationship as he will never recognise he has any problems as everything is always someone else's fault.Maybe he wasn't as great after all?
J
Comment
Hi Broken

The man my husband is now is not the man I married. He seems to have disappeared the moment he start spending time in the company of his female friend.

He displays a lot of the characteristics you mention so he could also be a narcisstic type. He was definitely a macho man, was a control freak and wanted everything his own way. He liked women to be subservient to men, but I must have been a challenge to him because I am not that type at all.

You may want him to come crawling back but I am not so sure this would be a wise decision on your part to allow him into your life again after his apparent abandonment of you. You may have to consider his departure as the end of one life and the beginning of another.

Best Wishes

Jules
J