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why does he want to talk ?

D Updated

 

Evening blog

I didnt think I'd need you tonight but guess what here I am again...what a night and day !!

I got a txt from my ex (this a thing that I dont get why do people call their ex's STBX, when I think after what he's done he is my ex even though still married and not even talking about divorce - should I be calling him STBX ?) anyway get a txt from him last night at 10.30, asking if i was well and had a nice tan and give the kittens his love, ( his mother obviously told him I'd gone away) he also said we must catch up soon and 3 kisses.....I didnt reply but felt sick when I got it..

I had the worst nights sleep ever thinking about him, was chatting to a friend last night till quite late and he got me thinking about things....he said he thought my ex maybe wanted to try again or something, I cant really remember Im so tired at the moment....So the worst nights sleep, felt rubbish all morning then at 1pm, just as he was off to lunch, I know this as he always goes to lunch with her his new g/f but no doubt he was waiting for her to meet him, basically saying "so i take it from the lack of response thats a no then" as in I dont want to meet him...

I panicked and rang my mum, she asked me how I felt about it, to be honest Im hurting quite badly, its the same old same old, why did he just go and have an affair ? why not couples counselling first. I told her that I couldnt deal with seeing him or having anything to do with him at the moment, Im trying to rebuild my life and get the old me back and to keep having contact with him just reminds me of the pain and hurt that he's caused me.....I dont even think Im in love with him anymore...how can I possibly be after everything he's done to me..and to be fair I am enjoying myself for the first time in ages !

When I dont have contact with him I feel stronger, happier, Ive made new lovely friends here on wiki and outside of wiki and I dont want to loose that...I feel that my confidence is slowly rebuilding but then every so often it gets a knock back from him..

Anyway he then sent me an email to work asking if I was getting his txts, I felt like he was hounding me.......I needed time and space to think about things you know.

I sent him a long email to work this afo, something I hate doing but as I dont want to see him I had no option and it basically explained that I hate what he's done, that he's happy with his affair with her and his lifes moving along nicely and he's now with her, even though he told me that he felt that he'd gone from one relationship to another, and that he wanted to be on his own, he has done what he's done wthout any thought to us....i told him I'd put myself through counselling to work out why I didnt want children and I did it for us as he said he wanted them and it was hard doing it and understanding my reasons for it....but at the end of the day I tried everything to keep him....

I also told him that "I loved him so much" not love him but loved and not to forget it whilst he was destroying it if that makes sense...

So he came back to me saying he still loved me and he cares for me soooooooo much and he didnt want it to turn out this way and he never ever wanted to hurt me but we had things to sort out and that I as in me couldnt do it on my own, financially or otherwise....what does he think I am stupid !!!!

he also says he hasnt built his life back up and that when he closes his eyes and everytime he wakes up he's thinking of me.....ok what when your sleeping with her then ? when your shagging her ?? you think of me ???

he also said that yes their relationship has happened to fast in some ways....

he wants to at least talk..I'd really appreciate some help on this guys...I dont know what to do....i'm even screening my calls as I dont want to talk to him...

my feeling is that he wants to get the car thing sorted out...and also me getting a lodger in or something so that he doesnt have to pay out too much. I am doing alright out of it financially at the moment, he is paying more than he needs too, however why should I ? I know we could sell the car and get 2 one for each of us, but I dont want too, its my baby, and re a lodger for gods sake !!! I wouldnt be able to do half the things I do at the moment quite happily here on my own...

this is my space, my safe haven again ive said it before he's done this put me in this position, this my 40th year was supposed to be the happiest of my life wasnt it.....

Im only just beginning to realise that yes ok the first part of my 40th year has been pretty horrendous but the rest of it doesnt and thats what Im trying to do...trying to make me a happier person...and Im succeeding in 1 way..

I just wish he would leave alone for another 2 mths....by then surely I would be able to copy with everything..

any advice would be gratefully recd guys...

thanks blog, a friend indeed...

Daisy (aka amanda)

xxx

User comments

5 comments
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Comment
The following thoughts may be helpful. These are the reminders that I use everyday for similar struggles. I guess it could sound harsh, so this may not be the right advice for you. I know that I am new here and perhaps may not know the entire history or etiquette here, so forgive me if I write anything obvious, stupid, or offensive.

His messages are putting you on an emotional roller coaster, so get off the ride now. Your goal should be to heal and be yourself everyday -- do not respond to his actions. Expend your emotional energy on yourself. Your goal is to follow your own plans for a great new life that he will be envious of. I think it is rational and also a sign of great strength that you are not texting him back! You are doing great!

Resist reading into his thoughts, emotions, plans, etc. Label these thoughts as toxic for your emotional health. His life and actions are no longer your concern. Whatever is going on with him and his life should have nothing to do with how you live your life now. He has demonstrated that he does not care about you or your feelings, so why should you care him?

Don't fall into the trap of hoping for a return to the status quo (easier said than done because I struggle with this every day). The status quo was bad and any new status quo will be even worse. Your new life is going to be fantastic. It is going to be so much better. Life is too short to spend time with someone who does not think you are the greatest person in the world.

You will be apathetic towards this relationship in a year and laugh at these messages he is sending you. But if you do find yourself rationally deciding that you want to be with him, then let him behave like an adult and communicate with you in a clear and straightforward manner (as most healthy relationships do). No head games. If he can't do this on his own, then do you really want someone who can't communicate to be a life partner?

The house, etc...: since you are emotionally separating yourself from his life, treat it purely as a business decision. No emotion; just business. Make sure you protect yourself and don't trust someone who has broken that trust.

Take care,

JJ
S
Comment
by not responding to his text will really pee him off if hes playing games with your feelings. 3 months is s till to early to make rational decisions ,give yourself time , your young enough and attractive enough to find another relationship. If his feelings are real play him at his own game go out with a mutual man friend, and turn his little world on its head . get in to his head for a change lol
THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOU SEE HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR U cus hes got to move his ass to win u back
best of luck
gaza xx
G
Comment
FB (my friendly online counsellor ! lol) thank you for your response...I guess by not seeing him and having contact will give me the time to think about things, I dont really understand why I have to think about things and whats to think about ? he's done what he's done and thats it....its over I have to move on....i guess the only things to deal with are my future, the house etc but at the moment thats simply not something I'm prepared to look at....and Mockingbird thank you for your response too.....you say i am further ahead than you, not sure on that one hun its only been just over 3 mths.....ouch !!

well he came back to me last night at 12.30am....i didnt get the mesg till first thing this am, it basically says, he loves me, always will, he's so sorry and of course yes i need time and space, but he misses me and our kittens.......how do i feel now ? relieved ? maybe it just means I can put a few things in a box mentally and not deal with them, mainly the housey stuff, until Im stronger.....

Im not going to respond to his txt, will leave it for now....

thanks again my wiki pals..

amanda
xx
D
Comment
Hi - FBGS is right - ask yourself what you want. I am one to say never say never - it may be he has decided that his new life was not the be all and end all - it may also be he wants what he doesnt have - only you will know this since you know him best (although i am the first to admit that in these situations we at times believe what we want to believe) - and I suppose the only way to do this is meet him - but do it on your terms - take some time to decide - if he really wants contact he will wait. I have had constant contact from my husband (even an email tonight) and I have lost count of the times I have tried to read something into his words and his actions when really I have to admit, sometimes I got it wrong, sometimes right - but had to stop doing it as had to realise that he doesnt really know what he wants at this stage and thats why we have decided to have no contact for a month. I know you are further ahead than me but as I say - only you know - I would always remain positive about any possible reunion but at the same time, look after and protect yourself - easier said than done otherwise all this horrible stuff wouldnt happen!!

Mockingbird xx
M
Comment
Well from a male point of view he is obviously keen to talk and he is really going out of his way to do it. Text, phone, email. He may well turn up at the house one day.
You probably need to ask yourself why you don't want to talk as much as the question you are asking now of why does he want to talk. I know he has hurt you an awful amount. He may be thinking that the grass isn't greener, that he has made the wrong choice. He may be noticing the positive changes in you and thinking that he likes the new you.
The only way you will find out what he is thinking is to talk or meet up. I think you need to look really carefully at yourself to find out what you think.
It probably isn't the advice you are looking for. I'm not saying jump back into his arms but all the questions there are about what he is thinking and I'm not so sure that your thoughts are expresses here.
FB
J