Open marriage

Low spirit,
I am trying to get control. I realise there is no good outcome here. My husband wants to stay married and there''s a lot of good in our marriage. I need for him to understand that what he has been doing has been totally unreasonable and not okay for long term. We had a satisfactory sexless marriage for a long time. I''m offering an opportunity to return to that. I know that trust has been lost and ongoing suspicion will be there so things will never be the same again. I''m not really expecting him to accept this (maybe very short term) but I feel that in offering it I''m hopefully helping us through the process. I''m certainly trying to make sure we get counselling as it can only help? There is no particular right outcome for me other than trying to keep stress down for me and the children and to a lesser extent my husband. I''d probably actually like to be in a proper new relationship in 2-3 years with ongoing reasonable communications with my then ex husband. I don''t want to insist on a split yet as I think going to counselling and having options at that stage will allow my husband to realise what is reasonable. I''m hoping that the counselling will help him to accept his sexuality. I realise that although I''m offering choices I am also backing him in to a corner regarding it not being acceptable to keep the current status quo AND by insisting on counselling. If he accepts counselling I''m happy for him to keep mulling things over. I''m hoping he won''t get nasty but I suppose that if he does it may push things along towards a split.....strange I still feel like I''m outside this looking in.

You are doing brilliantly. Your knowledge of whats been happening and your patience in not rushing head long into confrontation, is allowing you to take some control of how this unfolds.
I hope he does get counselling for his own sake but also it will allow you the time and information gathering that hopefully will resolve the situation in such a way that everybody survives it in the best way possible.
All the best.

Stressed spouse you seem an incredibly strong minded person, what your contemplating doing I do not know many people that could go through with it. Its good that you are trying to take control of the situation, but if you think putting on a charade, to make it seem like all is well for your children will work - it probably won''t (he will likely relapse in to his ways). Also, children will pick up on the charade, I know this because I come from a broken family where our parents stayed together for our sakes but in reality only suceeded in creating an empty unloving family where it was plainly obvious they didn''t like each other, this negetively impacted us as children. But, if you can, good luck to you. You say new relationship 2-3 years from now, this shows you do not see a future with him, why not split now and stay as very good friends with him?

I''m rather hoping that as we have Relate counselling it will become clear that a split is the best option. I don''t want to exclude thinking about other alternatives at this early stage, I only confronted him 48 hours ago and have only known for 2 weeks.

I managed to get an appointment for tonight with Relate. It must have been a cancellation. He''s adamant he wanted to stop his activities and wants to work on "us". I agree that he maybe wanting to use our marriage as a smokescreen but I feel I can give this a short go. I won''t keep going if the situation does not make me happy (3-6 months). It''s really helpful to be able to put my thoughts down here.

Thinking of you, you`ve already achieved more than I mananged in 2 years. Lets hope tonight helps you all come to terms with whats going on.
Life is very precious but also very complicated.

Good luck, hope both of you put your all into it, but in the back of yor mind expect the worse.