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Are these feelings normal?

  • daisydaisy
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30 Jul 07 #1643 by daisydaisy
Topic started by daisydaisy
I'm really feeling low at the moment, but I'm also confused because it's been my decision to split up. Husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 3. Although there is a large age gap (he is 20 years older) we have always got on brilliantly. We could talk about anything and everything, had a laugh, had enough money and a nice house, no kids (never wanted any), both enjoyed our jobs, etc, etc. Over the last year or so however, I started to feel discontented with things - like I was missing something, like we didn't have enough common interests. The age gap started to loom large for the first time, and I began to feel like a naughty child always deferring to my father figure, rather than a partnership of equals. He has been my partner, best friend, confidante and advisor, and yet I desparately need to break away as I feel I've lost the ability to think for myself and just be me. Anyway, that's the background. I have now found a flat to rent and am supposed to be moving out in a couple of weeks, and now the end is in sight I just feel so wretched. I'm constantly looking back to when we were happy together, and I can't believe it's over even though I initiated it. He has never wanted the split but seems to be coming to terms with it now. I thought I had but now I'm not so sure! Is this just 'grass is greener' syndrome? Can age gap relationships ever work? Am I just being a rebellious child? I once described my feelings to him as like a child needing to leave home. Am I just growing up at last and trying to assert my independence - and is this the way to be doing it, or am I throwing away something wonderful for totally selfish reasons? We are still friendly and still talking. I have to sign the lease on my flat this week and I'm now in a state of panic, not knowing what to do. I just never thought I'd feel so devastated. Is this normal? Sorry it's a long post, but any thoughts would be most welcome.

  • Louise11
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30 Jul 07 #1645 by Louise11
Reply from Louise11
Hi there,
What I am about to say to you I doubt you will find pleasant, especially when you are feeling "so low" at the moment! But you write a post on here and you will always get an honest answer!

GROW UP! you are acting like a spoilt child, something you seem to be accusing your partner of doing to you! No wonder you dont feel like a "partnership of equals"! You seem to be a child!
How do you think he is feeling? It seems to me you are beginning to get cold feet because he is now coming to terms with it!
What are you going to do when he really gets over you and meets someone who deserves him! Because I suspect this will be the time that you realise the grass is in NO WAY greener on the other side!
It seems to me from what you have wrote, that you have a perfect life, well perfect to most people who come on here!
It also seems to me you're BORED with a capital B! How do you think you will feel living in a flat, coming home night after night, to NOTHING! My god that will be boring!
In order to be happy in this life, you have to be happy in yourself, not rely on someone else to make you happy. You are "constantly looking back to when you were happy together"! Whats changed? It seems its YOU!
Have you even tried to understand what hes been going through or is it all about you and your rebellious child syndrome?
The 20 year age gap? Why has that suddenly become an issue? You think by leaving him, living in a flat, maybe finding someone your own age will be better? Well you find yourself a nice "young man, the same age as you and maybe you will see just what your fella has had to put up with with you! Ask yourself if the "new man" acts like you do when they feel a little bored" would you want him or would you tell him to grow up!
Come on you! Act your age, get rid of the flat and dont sign, work on what you both have now, seems to me your relationship is not over but it may just be that if you dont get your act together! You only feel like a "child leaving home" because you make it that way. Do you think he likes playing Dad? Give him a break you both got married loving each other as equal partners, get that feeling back, talk to each other like you have never talked before, before its too late, you can always find another flat if things dont work out. WHat have you got to lose? Go on make him a special dinner, or whatever, but YOU do something, YOU make an effort, dont rely on anyone to make you happy. You have to do it yourself!

Anyway gone on too much as usual! rollocking over come on Gal everything becomes routine after a while, get some fun back in your lives! B)lol
I wish you well.
Kind ones

  • daisydaisy
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30 Jul 07 #1647 by daisydaisy
Reply from daisydaisy
Hi Louise, I probably did deserve that in a way, and having read my post back I can see how I made things look! Although, as usual in these matters there is more to the tale, which I don't want to bore you with now. It takes two to make or break a marriage, and while I can only speak for my own failings and feelings, it doesn't mean the other party has been perfect throughout! And yes, of course I have considered my husband's feelings and discussed them at length. My life certainly isn't 'perfect' - its not the material things that make you happy - as you correctly pointed out happiness must come from within yourself - but it also has plenty to do with the people who are around you and whether they bring out the best in you. Clearly in my case this is no longer happening. I am certainly down at the moment but I'm mourning the loss of the relationship that was - but people change and things have to move on. But you have given me a few things to think about, so thank you.
Best wishes,

  • herewegoagain
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30 Jul 07 #1648 by herewegoagain
Reply from herewegoagain
Just to give my thoughts on grass being greener on the other side...My wonderful man's wife left him for 2nd time in 3 years, they have been together 7 and married 3..when she found out about me, she now wants him back, telling lies, sending vicious emails to him and now me! The problem is there's a 500k house to be sold to pay her off. She loots it for stuff to put in the house that he rents for her! He tries hard not to upset her, to keep her sweet so that she doesn't a)wreck the house, or b) take him for every penny, c) keep interupting our idylic life!

Despite the fact he has spent 1000's on solicitors for divorce which she started, and offer of a settlement, with house, money and car. She constantly texts him or phones him for such trivial things, and they shout at each other all the time. He has now had to go back to the MH because it was sold STC, and now there's a problem, wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't got something to do with that! I am hoping that the spoilt child she is, will act up the usual tantrum and stamping of feet and once the house is gone we can all move on. I told him to go back and live with her to make sure once and for all that he knows what he wants, because he is currently yo-yoing backwards and forwards between us. He always comes back to me.

So just to tell you, that now you have made the decision, stick to it and move on. There's not point being in limbo land and affecting the rest of the world. Have a great time and sort your life out!

  • Louise11
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30 Jul 07 #1649 by Louise11
Reply from Louise11
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do, Im half crazy all for the love of you! Doh! sorry cant get that song out of my head at the moment all cause of YOU! LOL:)


Of course I understand, that it takes two to make a relationship work, but from your post which I am glad you read back, you must understand how you came across.
Of course you're concerned where your life is going to go and whether you have made a right choice or not. Its natural, its looking at the unknown and its scarey. Especially where you've been in a relationship for a long time. I was in the same position as you when I divorced first time round, I was scared witless of being on my own with two kids, I know I could of stayed and just put up with my life the way it was but I also knew that it would be deceiving both myself and husband and was that fair to either of us? I wanted him to move on and find someone who loved him for him, hes a brill fella, but I just was'nt "in love with him" and god I was sooooooooo bored with life.
Anyway to cut a very long story short I ended our marriage of 14 years and i felt exactly the same as you do, but you know what? It was the best thing all round, hes met someone, I met someone and my kids? well they have the best of both worlds. Do i have regrets? No! But I do look back on things sometimes and wish I could of ended things without hurting anybody, even though I hurt people, (especially myself at the time) it has all ended best for everyone.
You just have to be brave and go for it, and well if you make a mistake? So what life is for living, not whithering away somewhere feeling , should I? Should I not? It gets you nowhere, so like Silver18 says dont be in limboland! Go for it!

Kind regards

  • Fiona
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30 Jul 07 #1654 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona

  • DandyHighwayMan
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30 Jul 07 #1657 by DandyHighwayMan
Reply from DandyHighwayMan
I was told this once and it is so true,

Just because someone doesn't love you in the way that you want to be loved, does not mean that they don't love you with all that they have.


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