If I Kick Start Divorce????

My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted a divorce (still in shock!)
Now....I have heard nothing since then.... I have a feeling I'm not going to hear anything, as I think he may try to 'wait me out' as there will be a house sale involved (the house I am living in with our daughter)
Knowing my husband, I think he will be thinking that if he leaves it long enough I will 'give up and walk away'
As he wiped out our bank account and I earn little money he knows I will 'struggle' to maintain the house...pay the mortgage/bills etc
My question is : should I go ahead and file for divorce? and does it make a difference to my situation regarding our financial affairs if it is me who 'starts the ball rolling' ?

Hi SL.... You're in the same boat as me....

My solicitor said that I was to keep a 'Conduct Diary'. (Just a day-to-day diary of his behaviour).... including the irrational stuff. (Like mine, wants a divorce, but still wants a holiday in three weeks time with me!).

Your husband sounds like he's a control freak, especially regards money. (Which is a powerful thing to some controlling men). You and your daughter will need to continue to live. If he refuses you money, I'd contact your local DHSS. They'll advise that he's responsible. It may not get you anything, but it will kick him into reality.

Don't be intimidated out of your home. Keep the diary for a few more weeks. If the situation doesn't improve, ask for some legal help. (One phone call consultation may be enough to 'arm' you with knowing your rights).

You could go to court for a 'Conduct Order' (not sure how that applies to real life?.

When you've noted all in the diary, you'll probably see a pattern of 'mental cruelty' emerging. You can file for divorce, on 'behavioural' grounds.

My guess is that he's just using divorce, as a 'stick-to-beat-you-with'.... hence it's a threat... Call his bluff! Tell him to stop threatening, and fulfill his promise!

He either wants to move on - or he doesn't!

You decide what's right for YOU!

The money bit....

If he has wiped out your account, make a note of that in your diary. (Log everything if possible with dates)... he will be seen by the courts as embellishing funds, which will be frowned upon.

Often, the party that initiates divorce, then goes into this frenzy of scurrying away money, and hoarding assets, to lessen their potential loss. He may be asked to show all Bank statements etc, before any financial settlement, and his actions will be noted from his account activity.

Keep a tally of what you need, include your personal welfare. Don't go daft, like don't suddenly join a luxury gym, just your normal standard of living.

The settlement is based on 'needs'. So if he's always supported you, you'll have a right to alimony, he may be ordered to uphold the mortgage, bills etc. There's a child involved, (how old?) so the needs to house the carer and child will be met.

I doubt if it would change your financial situation, if you were to file.

Stay strong. Come here for comfort and advice, I'm not good at the legal stuff, but I can talk from experience (no end!) about behaviour and conduct.

Is he abusive? (Intimidating? verbally? finger in face etc? violent?) You don't have to answer, I'm just reading-between-the-lines, and he sounds like my husband.

Sera....
Thankyou SO much for taking the time to write those posts x
My husband has done a disappearing act.... but unfortunately (for him) he didn't bother to redirect his mail... so I now have his address and place of work details.
No...he was not abusive in any way, but I think he could probably be going down the 'mental cruelty' route by 'doing nothing' (if that makes sense)
Our daughter is grown up (22) but still living at home, I have heard from him once since he disappeared four weeks ago, only to say he wanted a divorce and to sell the house, and I am beginning to have the attitude of "well, get on with it then"....but so far - nothing! He doesn't answer my calls, I have sent him a text asking for contact details, again - nothing!
I just think that he will be thinking 'if I leave her long enough with very little money (I work part time) she will go ask the council to rehouse her as she can't afford to stay in the house' - then he can either come back and live here, or sell up and pocket the proceeds (over my dead body!)
I am seeing a SOL next week, so I'll take it from there I guess.....

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!

SIT TIGHT!!!!!

The fact that he's moved out, is a benefit to you! Since he's got somewhere else to go, he doesn't need to be living in your matrimonial home. Courts make desicions based on 'need'. His needs to accomodation have already been resolved!

If your name is not on the deeds, you can ask a solicitor to make a 'Matrimonial home rights' application. (It alerts the Land Registry people that your home is under marital dispute, and he won't be able to sell it over your head, without your permission). I've just had to do that, it's not nice, but like your husband, I was technically 'employed' by mine, and he's stopped the employment, and threatens the house is his to sell.

The marital home will become your chief negotiating tool. You can claim against all of his assets (savings, pensions etc), but a 'Lump sum settlement' may be awarded to you, via a bigger share of the house. There's no 50-50 rule. He may think there is, but there isn't. As a dependant partner, he may still have to be responsible for your needs.

Why should you now move for HIS CONVENIENCE????

He's not playing fair by withdrawing funds from your account.

You can sell the house, after a Divorce is applied for, and after 'ancillary relief' is dealt with. But don't do anything in a rush. If he's in a rush to get rid of you, then he better hurry up and get on with the procedures.

Now, supposing you left,he could move another woman in, do you want that? I wouldn't.

Your solicitor will tell you the same thing.
Also, it's a stronger case for you, becuase he's left, which in divorce terms, is 'abandonment'.
The council will not re-house you that easilly. You are a homeowner.

Regardless of whos name is on the deeds, you are his wife, you live there, he's abandoned YOU. I think you should ask your solicitor for some kind of emergency order for payments.

Then if your husband wishes to discuss finances, you can arrange through mediation.

Hi,

I would like to reinforce what Sera has been saying - do not leave your house. I know from other fora that you are worried about not being able to pay the mortgage, but there are all sorts of creative solutions that mortgage companies can come up with if they know the circumstances. I know that I've said this before but, at the risk of nagging, approach your debtors via a debt counselling service; I have suggested CAB in the past, but if you object to that there are other free agencies - I think Debtline is one.

It sounds to me like he will attempt to divorce you (unless he is in the habit of regularly making empty threats. However, don't imagine for a moment that he is in control of this situation just because he is initiating it; far from it, for all the reasons Sera gives and many more.

Keep your chin up, but also feel free to let your emotions out in a safe environment. My wife has behaved in a broadly similar fashion to your husband except that I did always know where she'd moved to. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow - why not try blogging out your feelings with all this going on?

Thankyou both for your advice....
No, I have no intention of going anywhere, Sera, the house is in H's sole name, so, yes, I have registered the matrimonial home rights thing.
I will see a debt counsellor, to try to sort of the finances.
How long does it take between one instructiong their SOL to start divorce proceedings and the other party receiving the papers????
Perhaps I am just being irrational, but if H feels the way I think he must, then I'd much rather just get on with it!