I don't want a divorce

Hi Karen. On line divorces are only any good if you dont have kids and there is no property or finances to sort out. Good news you dont have kids. If the divorce is likely to be contested then dont go on line. To be honest I dont think they are any good. And it may not save you money. But I am old fashioned and I prefer a good old solicitor that you can talk to and sticks up for you. Rather than an on-line form.


Hope Mike also posts as he puts it a lot better than I do. Consent Orders comes from an agreement between the two of you for finances. It is turned into an order by the judge and it is part of ancilory relief proceedings.

You ask the court (by way of paying them £210) and submitting form A requesting that the court deals with ancilory matters. There is nothing ancilory about it. After Children its the most hotley debated part of the divorce process.

There is something called a Clean Break settlement. This is what stops him or you approching the other later on to vary any order.

Propety and pensions are the main thrust of ancilory relief. Basicly any assets you have. Including savings and of course debts are taken into account.

If you can sort out finances yourself so much the better. But do this after you have had legal advice otherwise the other party could say they were forced into it and you know the rest. Hope I you understand my poor method of explaining the proccess and hopefully somebody better will post it more correctly. Chris.

Hi All,

It's quite amazing how the person you thought you knew and loved can turn so much against you when they are in the wrong and found out.

My Ex seems to have completly lost the plot.

Not only is she trying to cripple me financially by assuming that she can actually reduce the amount of cash she contributes to our marital debts; she now has decided that I can have no contact with my girls "because I ask them about her personal life".

The fact is that she was the one putting pressure on the marriage because she wanted to be with someone else.

The way she mistreats our son (who she left behind despite me begging her not to break my children up), absolutly appals me.

She hasn't contacted him for over two weeks now; I phone my girls at least three times a day and she NEVER asks to speak to him - it's like he isn't her son anymore.

Looks like now we will have to get the courts involved to agree contact. Problem is that I will not be dictated to by anyone about when I HAVE to see my girls. If I can't see them and speak to them when I want to then I have to ask myself "why should I see them at all?"

Mike

Hi Karen

You sound very strong and sensible, you will move on and do well despite being treated so badly by your ex2b. My ex2b is also a liar and a cheat, three months ago he told me that he no longer loved me and that there was no chance of working it out, we have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years.

We have two children aged 10 and 7, they are remarkable and keep me strong. My priorities are to them, they are not to blame here.

My ex2b is having an affair but denies everything, I have been to hell and back and he continues to lie, its harder because we have to live in the same house until it is sold.

I look forward to the day when I don't have to look at him on a daily basis.

I have found an inner strength that I never knew was there, you sound like you have too Karen. Good luck to you.

Jen

tiesys wrote:

Hi All,

It's quite amazing how the person you thought you knew and loved can turn so much against you when they are in the wrong and found out.

My Ex seems to have completly lost the plot.

Not only is she trying to cripple me financially by assuming that she can actually reduce the amount of cash she contributes to our marital debts; she now has decided that I can have no contact with my girls "because I ask them about her personal life".

The fact is that she was the one putting pressure on the marriage because she wanted to be with someone else.

The way she mistreats our son (who she left behind despite me begging her not to break my children up), absolutly appals me.

She hasn't contacted him for over two weeks now; I phone my girls at least three times a day and she NEVER asks to speak to him - it's like he isn't her son anymore.

Looks like now we will have to get the courts involved to agree contact. Problem is that I will not be dictated to by anyone about when I HAVE to see my girls. If I can't see them and speak to them when I want to then I have to ask myself "why should I see them at all?"

Mike

Mike. I feel sorry for you mate. This aint nice thing that she did to you. But its not a good idea to ask your kids as to her whereabouts. Its involving them which will turn them against you.

Its a shame that you have to get the courts to arainge contact. But you need to be whiter than white now.

Chris.

Thanks for the advice Chris. I must admit I'd prefer to be more in control of the process, rather than going on line. I think I need to way up the options as I don't want to go too fast and make any silly mistakes.
Mike - am so sorry to hear how your ex2b is treating you and your son. I can't imagine how it must be for all those on here who have children. My sister went through a messy divorce with her husband and fortunately the children are unaffected. I would find it so hard not to be a bitter and twisted ex. You parents on here are 300% stronger than I will ever be.
Thanks for your words Autumn. Am seeing ex2b tonight to discuss ways forward and I'm not looking to it. I'm still in shock about him seeing someone else. It wouldn't be so bad, but I was giving him all the time he needed to see whether we had a future together. I was waiting in limbo for him with hope (doing everything I could) and all the time he was wiht another woman. Just can't believe it still. I have been very organised and am getting myself together, but I'm now feeling that things are runnig forward a bit too quickly and I need to step back. He's cleaned out all his stuff from the house and taken TV, stereo and DVD player (on agreeement that he gives me half fair value) and it all seems so final.
I'm going to get legal advice before we start proceedings to sell the hosue (only thing we own jointly) as I have a few questions about how it's split, contents of house, etc. or whether we should wait for divorce to go through and courts decide - can someone advise best?
I also don't want to sell the house until he confirms he's slept with her. I need this to get closure and move on. Can I do this without it seeming like blackmail? I don't want to push him into it, but it will drag for ages and he will keep telling me to leave him alone. For personal reasons I need him to sleep with her to move on.
I have days when I feel strong and capable and then I just can't believe it's happening to me and end up in a sobbing mess. How do you cope with the ups and downs of your emotions?
Thanks all for your replies.
Karen

Hi Karen

If you visit your local citizens advice they can give you a list of solicitors in your area who will see you for free for half an hour, I did this and found it helpful.

My ex2b and I have just started mediation so that we can sort out our finances and childcare issues, you could go just to look at finances - much cheaper than using a
solicitor.

As far as coping with emotional ups and downs, you will, you sound like a strong woman, you will have good days and bad days but you will get through this and you will be happy again. If you have a close friend to talk to then talk, or if you find yourself struggling then have some counseling. I have found that talking helps, let your emotions out, you are going through the grieving process. There are many good books out there, I am reading Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff which is very good.

Remember, you are not alone and that you deserve better.

Take care

karen123 wrote:

I'm going to get legal advice before we start proceedings to sell the hosue (only thing we own jointly) as I have a few questions about how it's split, contents of house, etc. or whether we should wait for divorce to go through and courts decide - can someone advise best?
I also don't want to sell the house until he confirms he's slept with her. I need this to get closure and move on. Can I do this without it seeming like blackmail? I don't want to push him into it, but it will drag for ages and he will keep telling me to leave him alone. For personal reasons I need him to sleep with her to move on.
I have days when I feel strong and capable and then I just can't believe it's happening to me and end up in a sobbing mess. How do you cope with the ups and downs of your emotions?
Thanks all for your replies.
Karen

Hi Karen. Still bearing up well. Good for you. Its for the best if you can. It gets easier trust me. You say you are seeking legal and thats also a good move. You need to do this right as there are problems later on if you dont. Some people sell the house and split the proceeds and seeing as you dont have kids then there is nothing wrong with that. The courts dont actualy decide. You do. The facilitate. But they will if you cant. I wonder if you need ancilory relief? If the only asset that you have is the house. What about pensions?

On the soft side. I know how you feel about knowing. You want to know and you have this desire to know. Ok if you do find out it will hurt. I found out and it hurt for ages. I went to all the places they did. Well most of them. Some of them I dont actualy know where they are. A hotel a car park. But the ones I do know I went. To be honest it helped me. Your milage may vary. What I found was that a lot of these places were total dumps. The Nike center in Bracknell. Conkers Garden center outside basingstoke and so on. There is a desolate place in hook hampshire that they went to. I could not believe that they did that to me. But hey thats evil for you.

Only you know how you will be when you find out. It may be best not to know.

Sobbing mess? Time. Thats what fixes this. You need water to pass under the bridge. Just be nice to yourself and recognise that you hurt. Talk to your parents if you have any and you can.

I used to tell anybody that would listen. Petrol attendants the lot. I was chatting to a women in the local petrol station into the early hours one night. I was a mess. I know how it feels and its sh1t.

Dont be tempted to get into another relationship until you fix yourself. Its not a short cut and there are no short cuts. Pay the piper. Thats the best and only way.

One day you will wake up and realise that you have not thought about this person in a while. Thats when you know its over.

Chris