I don't want a divorce

Well - I don't know whether what I've done is appropriate, but I have needed to take further action.
We met up and I put down on paper what needed to be done with the house to get everythign that we own out of there - by Sunday. Because this split is his doing I want him to lead it (he normally can't find his way out of a paper bag .... so it should be interesting). He needs to put the house on the market, sell it, get all the dealings done with it. We moved into this house two years ago from a flat and I did EVERYTHING- I mean everything. I'm not prepared to do it this time.
We put everything down on paper and signed and dated what we were going to do with joint things in the house. For example, cooker.... if we can't sell with the house (it's only two years old and a huge thing) that he has to dump it. That is what's going to happen with most things that we don't want. Other bits and pieces he's agreed to take to the dump. We both signed it. We're meeting up again on Monday to discuss what happens next.
The question I have, that people on here may not be able to comment on.....
I was expecting him to divorce me under unrecon differences, but now he's with someone, I'm waiting for him to sleep with her and then I can divorce him on adultery.
I said to him that I wasn't prepared to pay for MY court costs as I don't want to get divorced. This was his doing and I shouldn't be out of pocket from it. He signed this within the make-shift contract I put together. Would this stand up in court? Am assuming now that if I can divorce on adultery I won't have to pay anything, but if it's still UD..... then with this contract, I still won't have to pay?!!!
He wasn't happy, and we discussed the fact that he wasn't signing under duress and he agreed to it.
I understand if no one can comment - would appreciate anything, anyone can advise Or tell me what I'm doing right / wrong.
I'm finding this all so difficult and really hard.

Well - I don't know whether what I've done is appropriate, but I have needed to take further action.
We met up and I put down on paper what needed to be done with the house to get everythign that we own out of there - by Sunday. Because this split is his doing I want him to lead it (he normally can't find his way out of a paper bag .... so it should be interesting). He needs to put the house on the market, sell it, get all the dealings done with it. We moved into this house two years ago from a flat and I did EVERYTHING- I mean everything. I'm not prepared to do it this time.
We put everything down on paper and signed and dated what we were going to do with joint things in the house. For example, cooker.... if we can't sell with the house (it's only two years old and a huge thing) that he has to dump it. That is what's going to happen with most things that we don't want. Other bits and pieces he's agreed to take to the dump. We both signed it. We're meeting up again on Monday to discuss what happens next.
The question I have, that people on here may not be able to comment on.....
I was expecting him to divorce me under unrecon differences, but now he's with someone, I'm waiting for him to sleep with her and then I can divorce him on adultery.
I said to him that I wasn't prepared to pay for MY court costs as I don't want to get divorced. This was his doing and I shouldn't be out of pocket from it. He signed this within the make-shift contract I put together. Would this stand up in court? Am assuming now that if I can divorce on adultery I won't have to pay anything, but if it's still UD..... then with this contract, I still won't have to pay?!!!
He wasn't happy, and we discussed the fact that he wasn't signing under duress and he agreed to it.
I understand if no one can comment - would appreciate anything, anyone can advise Or tell me what I'm doing right / wrong.
I'm finding this all so difficult and really hard.

karen123 wrote:

Well - I don't know whether what I've done is appropriate, but I have needed to take further action.
The question I have, that people on here may not be able to comment on.....
I was expecting him to divorce me under unrecon differences, but now he's with someone, I'm waiting for him to sleep with her and then I can divorce him on adultery.
I said to him that I wasn't prepared to pay for MY court costs as I don't want to get divorced. This was his doing and I shouldn't be out of pocket from it. He signed this within the make-shift contract I put together. Would this stand up in court? Am assuming now that if I can divorce on adultery I won't have to pay anything, but if it's still UD..... then with this contract, I still won't have to pay?!!!
He wasn't happy, and we discussed the fact that he wasn't signing under duress and he agreed to it.
I understand if no one can comment - would appreciate anything, anyone can advise Or tell me what I'm doing right / wrong.
I'm finding this all so difficult and really hard.

Hi Karen. You seem a switched on Gal. Nice to see. Most people are in a mess at this stage and its better if your not. You need a clear head that is not tainted by emotion.

Good right so let me try and answer this. First with a warning. The document will not stand up in court becuase you have not taken any legal advice and its against family law protocol blah blah. But it does show intent which is good. I know this becuase I signed a simular document under duress without legal advice. I was thretened that if I did not sign then I would be in very hot water with her BF.

Now the person that intitates the divorce is the pettioner. The person that recieves the divorce pettion is the respondant. The respondant normaly pay's there own costs and not the pettioner's. This is providing the respondant does not contest the divorce. Thats the norm. So if you divorce him then you pay for the divorce pettion and your own legal costs. If he just signs it and sends it back then thats that. He dont have to pay.

I think it costs £210 to pettion a divorce. I may have got that wrong and got it mixed up with ancilory relief. Soz if I got that wrong. Plus about an hours solicitors time to write it up for you. You can do this yourself as its not that hard.

The reverse is true if he pettions you. If you want a divorce right now there are 2 options. Unreasonable behavour or adultary. UB is a few reasons and Adultary is a little box you tick and you dont have to name the other party.

Remember that right now = months and months.

It is dificult. Divorce is nasty stuff. It takes all that you have and more. It can wreck your life and it will certainly change it forever. Divorce sulies us. It alters our perception of people and some people find it hard to trust. The reason I am saying this is that you say you dont want a divorce. Dont take this step lightley. Its a big decision. Like changing support from Liverpool to man U. Big Big stuff. So be absolutly sure you want to do it.

But if you do decide to climb the slippery divorce pole make sure you do it right. I have read to many stories where people have just skimmed it and come a cropper later on. Get a good solicitor and fight for whats yours. Oh yea. Get a women solicitor as they are plain old nasty. Chris.

Hi Chris.
I do feel in a bit of a mess, but I know that if I don't organise myself I will feel completely out of control. Plus it seems that he's left the responsibility of the house directly with me. We have both moved out of the martial home - me at mum's, him at friends, but it's been a nightmare giving getting him to come in and collect his post, let alone anything else.
I guess I know that the document won't stand up in court. He will not know this though and if I can do this all myself and we agree everything before it's complete - the better.
Fortunately he knows that, even though I want this over and done with and want him to pay fees, I will be extremely reasonable over ensuring we get what we should. I have put far more effort into the house, although we contributed jointly (I'm unsure he knows what a screwdriver, hammer, etc is), but I'm ok to split 50/50. Thank goodness it's just us and no children.
How do I get him to pay? I don’t want to sound like a cow or a like I want to scr*w him. I just don’t see why I should pay. You’re right, I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want to be married to such a selfish pig. He clearly knew his decision weeks ago and has been stringing me along, and now thinks I’m being unreasonable. It’s just laughable!
Sounds like it can be relatively cheap as long as I’m organised and we get things settled. We don’t have any other assets than the house and we have very separate lives in terms of money – only a joint account for bills, etc. Everything was very much on his terms and straight down the middle! Some of the info on the web scared me a bit. Some websites advise divorces can cost anywhere from £13K - £25k – ouch!
I don’t know whether I will need a mediator and/or solicitor re him paying my costs!
Months and months – really! No way to make it any quicker?
One of the things I have done is start the process of changing my name back to my Maiden Name by Deed Poll. Want to get him out of my life ASAP. There is no way back now. He’s a completely different man – complete stranger from the one I married. I wouldn’t take him back for anything now. That’s not just from anger, but wanting my own self respect back….something my mother in law drilled into me last night.
I have an appt with my mum’s solicitors tomorrow re changing my will. I will ask re a consultation with one of their solicitors also. Is it worth it – even at this stage or should I wait? Thanks for the advice – will def get a woman!!! We can be evil!

Hi Karen,

I have just seen your post and feel completly for you.

I am somewhat down the line from you. My wife of 16 years left me in December saying it was all my fault.

I went through hell trying to reconcile but eventually in early August I learned the truth that she was having an affair - it might have been going on for years (I doubt it, but then again I would wouldn't I).

I confronted her (none of my business who she was shagging), so I went to see him (got arrested!!).

Her attitude towards me has now completly changed and if I call my girls she now has developed a habit of cutting them off in mid conversation.

She is treating me like the scum of the earth and she thinks that she is 100% right in doing so.

The fact is that she wanted out because she had found something new to sit on, she was happy blaming everything on me and my misgivings - it was easy whilst the truth was hidden from veiw.

Now that it's out, she is on the defensive and has her head buried in the sand because she is in la la land; just like your ex - you have found him out and he is mighty annoyed and out of control.

Remember, look after yourself now, - the person you used to love and loved you does not exist anymore so you are the only thing important in all this.

Hope you come out smiling.

Mike

karen123 wrote:

Hi Chris.
I do feel in a bit of a mess, but I know that if I don't organise myself I will feel completely out of control. Plus it seems that he's left the responsibility of the house directly with me. We have both moved out of the martial home - me at mum's, him at friends, but it's been a nightmare giving getting him to come in and collect his post, let alone anything else.
I guess I know that the document won't stand up in court. He will not know this though and if I can do this all myself and we agree everything before it's complete - the better.
Fortunately he knows that, even though I want this over and done with and want him to pay fees, I will be extremely reasonable over ensuring we get what we should. I have put far more effort into the house, although we contributed jointly (I'm unsure he knows what a screwdriver, hammer, etc is), but I'm ok to split 50/50. Thank goodness it's just us and no children.
How do I get him to pay? I don’t want to sound like a cow or a like I want to scr*w him. I just don’t see why I should pay. You’re right, I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want to be married to such a selfish pig. He clearly knew his decision weeks ago and has been stringing me along, and now thinks I’m being unreasonable. It’s just laughable!
Sounds like it can be relatively cheap as long as I’m organised and we get things settled. We don’t have any other assets than the house and we have very separate lives in terms of money – only a joint account for bills, etc. Everything was very much on his terms and straight down the middle! Some of the info on the web scared me a bit. Some websites advise divorces can cost anywhere from £13K - £25k – ouch!
I don’t know whether I will need a mediator and/or solicitor re him paying my costs!
Months and months – really! No way to make it any quicker?
One of the things I have done is start the process of changing my name back to my maiden name by deed poll. Want to get him out of my life ASAP. There is no way back now. He’s a completely different man – complete stranger from the one I married. I wouldn’t take him back for anything now. That’s not just from anger, but wanting my own self respect back….something my mother in law drilled into me last night.
I have an appt with my mum’s solicitors tomorrow re changing my will. I will ask re a consultation with one of their solicitors also. Is it worth it – even at this stage or should I wait? Thanks for the advice – will def get a woman!!! We can be evil!

Hi Karen. You sound OK to me and switched on. I dont think you are a mess at all. There is an old saying. "If you want something done properly do it yourself!"

When all this came out for me, I thought right I am going to sort this all out. She had made no plans and she was in some kind of dream world. I did it all. I set the pace (which was brisk) and drove the plan forward. She never knew what the plan was and all she saw was the results. She used to complain that it was happening to quickly. I ripped thru it at lightning speed. I wanted it done and I wanted it done properly.

It dont cost that much to get divorced. Its about 3 hours worth of solicitors time. Provided he plays ball you wont have a problem. I am entering ancilory relief and mine costs are estimated at 1K plus vat. I reckon twice that as it will be hotley contested and fought over. What bumps the price up is children and ancilory relief. If you can go to mediation and get a draft order then that will be cheaper. I think mediation is about £90 per hour against solicitors at 160 - 190 per hour plus vat.

The speed at which your pettion depends on the time of year and the normal procces time. It takes longer in January than any other time of the year. But it takes 3 - 5 months if all goes smoothly anyway so you are in for a long wait. Thats just to process it. Then you have the 3 months plus 6 weeks and a day between nisi and absolute. You are then free to re-marry ha ha.

Good idea changing your name. Its a mental milestone. I had phases in the plan. I had BB milestone. She never knew what that meant but it stood for Burger Bar. The place I used to sit and plan in the early hours. Sharing tables with taxi drivers and writing my finacial planning. She didnt know what hit her.

I think you see the real person once you cross the line. There is no going back. There is a lot of brinkmanship in this game. And it is a game like life.

Yes its important to hold your head up high. Self respect is something that will prop you up thru this process. My ex is an A grade psycology student and she is a women. A deadly combination. But I did OK I think. She tried her best to take me apart using all sorts of tactics. But I know what they are and I know what sleep depravation does to you and I was ready. Sure I made mistakes. Its not easy and by far it was the worst year of my life but I survived. I moved out with all my stuff and I managed to start again. And I am thriving now. I always said if I get out with my life then I have achieved something. I got out with everything. I didnt lose a thing. Which is all a plus.

Not everything is a success. I lost the stepkids. I thought I might and my sister warned me that I would probably lose them. She was right. But I did all the right things in that respect. I bought a 3 bed home so that they could stay / live with me etc. But it wasent to be. But you dont get it all and I am pleased I came out with what I got. Happy chappie by and large.

Will's do not survive divorce. So provided that the will does not take into account divorce then you dont need to do anything. But I would read it to make sure. Wait until your divorce is done to draft a new one. You also need to think about who your next of kin is. In marraige its your spouse. Of course in the absence of marraige you need to pick a blood relative.

Its worth getting legal advice as soon as you can. I had to wait until march as I could not afford it. I paid for an hour and it was money well spent. You could make an apointment with the CAB and speak to someone there. This is free and could be worth it. You cant get cheaper than free!!

I know to my cost that women can be evil. But provided you stay on the right side of one then men are OK. I like women and I like to study them. I have learnt a lot about women and I like to employ there tactics. Us men could learn a lot from women. Def the more deadly species on earth. Chris.

Thanks for the replies. Problem I had was that neither of us have a will - for the whole time we've been together. I have had one drawn up. Although we are joint tenants and if I should die at this point he will still get the hosue it means he can't touch anything else or mine or any of my money. This has been a relief. This way I will not have to change it after I divorce until I buy somewhere else.
I do have a couple of questinos. I am going to do a DIY divorce so save costs. Wondered if anyone in simple terms can explain: 1 - a Consent Order. Do I udnerstand it correctly that it's an order which prevents him from claiming any monies, etc from me AFTER we have finally divorced? 2 - what is ancilory relief? We don't have kids.
thanks