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how do i slow things down!!

  • desperate to avoid all th
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08 Nov 07 #6189 by desperate to avoid all th
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hi i'm new to this but i have been married to just over two years to a woman i love more now than ever! and always have done. until about a month ago we were getting on fine then i tried to stop smoking and we began argueing.
i lost my temper on several occasions and smashed a cup and kicked the bin around the kitchen till it broke to bits!! i'm not proud of this and have begun a course of anger management to help me overcome this problem.
However my wifes previous relationship was a violent one and i scared her enough on that occasion for her to walk out.
this was just nine days ago!! since then she has started seeing someone else told me! she no longer loves me! and has arranged for an estate agent to come and value the house next week!
the house is in her name bought before we met but i am the only one paying the mortgage as she went back to uni last year. there are twin girls 10yo involved too though unfortunately i am not the father. is their anything i can do to try and slow all this down i will do anything to save my marriage but she wont respond to my texts calls or e-mails and all this in NINE DAYS!!!

also can she legally start proceedings to sell house i know its in her name but can i stop her temporarily at least till i have had a chance to go through with counselling and prove to her that i can overcome my anger problem! i have asked her to come to counselling with me but no response! seems like in just over a week we have gone from a loving family into frreefall with no pitstops on the way!! HELP!

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08 Nov 07 #6190 by OBEs 1 canoodly
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Sorry to say this but she sounds like she's needed a reason!!!

The thing with women is when they get fed up unfortunately nothing can really make them change their mind unless they are totally in love.

If she says she has met someone after 9 days then I think she has needed a reason. Sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings!

Kicking bins around and getting cross is not a good place to be!

You don't say how long you have been together but I hesitate to say that you can register an interest in the property but I would be careful because this could lose you more than you could gain if you settle into your anger management course and do well by this. You could ultimately find a way back to your partner but I don't think it will be an easy path to tread!

Giving up smoking is not an excuse! I get the impression anger has been in your system for a while and we are only getting half a story. We can help if you give us the bigger picture.

Regards

OBEs 1

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08 Nov 07 #6191 by Sera
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desperate to avoid all th wrote:

my wifes previous relationship was a violent one and i scared her enough on that occasion for her to walk out.


Hi welcome, I'm glad to hear that you have sought help for your anger management.

However, if your wife had a previous abusive relationship, she may well recognise the signs of anger. It starts with a cup, (as it did with my soon2bx) then it was a car windscreen he punched out, then it was me that took the blow!
My ex also scared me, and I left, but came back because he said he wanted help with his anger. I stood by him, but that has backfired, because he is now taking me to court for phoning him, (citing Harrasment, non-molestation).

In a Police interview, I was informed that whilst they saw that I was indeed intelligent and still in love with my husband, the Police said that I was also naieve, because sadly statistics show that abusers mostly only offer to get help once the 'victim' removes herself. Then, usually, the abuser tries to show everyone just how dedicated he is in trying to save the relationship and get help.

I'm not suggesting that your next step will be to strike your wife, (and I'm hoping it won't be!) However, as a previous victim to violence, she may recognise a resemblance and now decide not to trust you, and would prefer a life elsewhere.

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08 Nov 07 #6192 by desperate to avoid all th
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HI OBEs 1

we have been together fo four years and i also think 9 days is a very, very short time in which to fall out of love and find someone new. And believe me i am not hiding behind the smoking thing i have always been a bit of a shouter and slammer of doors when we have argued but have genuinely only progressed to full on cup abuse recently however i make no excuses for my actions i have behaved terribly recently and have sought professional help to try and overcome this as i am racked with remorse over the way i have treated the woman i love.
i had my first therapy session today and went really well and whether i can win back my wifes heart or not i will see this through to enable me to become a nicer person.
however i am truly terrified at the change in my wife we were happy until a month ago (i thought maybe i was kidding myself about it, but our mutual friends and even her own family are shocked at how determined she is to cut all ties). was just wondering if there was a way of buying some time that was all i am worried that if she goes through with this she will regret it later as its all happening so fast, and i'm concerned that she hasn't fully considered the implications for the kids!

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08 Nov 07 #6193 by Sera
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desperate to avoid all th wrote:

this was just nine days ago!! since then she has started seeing someone else told me! she no longer


Again, the pattern for victims is often that they feel scared. You scared her, often men with anger problems go after their women. often men with anger problems suffer also from control issues and jealousy.

She may just be TELLING you there is someone else, because she may be trying to get back at you, OR (more likely) she may feel vulnerable, and want you to think there is another bloke looking out for her.

Despite that you're not the father, who is the PWC? (Parent with care?) I'm assuming she's moved away with her daughters?

How long have you been married? A financial settlement will be made if it does come to divorce, however, if she needs the house for herself and daughters; that 'need' may be of a bigger consideration than your needs to be re-housed.

You could register your Martrimonial home rights. Which means she cannot sell over your head.

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08 Nov 07 #6194 by desperate to avoid all th
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hi sera i understand what you mean my therapist told me the same thing this morning. and i do understand why my wife was/is scared as she has gone through this before with her ex.
please dont get me wrong i have never struck anyone before in my life let alone my wife but i too recognise a pattern beginning to form which is why i have sought help straight away rather than blaming it on the lack of nicoteine and assuming i will be fine once the effects wear off!
i wish that i had sought help before my wife left too but it only started four weeks ago and i will continue the counselling regardless as i dont want to be that kind of person

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08 Nov 07 #6196 by Sera
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Good luck in getting help, even if it doesn't repair your relationship this time, it'll make you better for the future. If it was only 9 days ago, that's not enough time for your ex to see a change.
Maybe after you've stuck the course, and maybe then if she wants to reconsider, then maybe you could try again.

I don't think she may have chosen a new guy suddenly over you. But I do think she's made a choice of Abuse vs. Freedom. She may also wish to protect her daughters from seeing your behaviour.

My ex said he'd never, EVER struck a woman, I checked by asking, because I'd never want to be with an aggressor.
He 'said' that he hadn't, and lied.

I couldn't cope with it again I'm afraid.

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