I feel trapped

My ex and i split nearly four months ago. He has only recently explained his departure...he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. This is after 17 yrs (12 yrs married.)
I feel betrayed and hurt that our marriage was not worth trying to save, he threw it away like a piece of garbage.

I see him everyday as he picks up our daughter (he has her 1 or 2 nights a week depending on his work schedule, he is a police officer) recently he has started being cruel for no apparent reason. he will say things to deliberatly hurt me. he brings back our daughter past her bed time,which results in her being tired and grumpy the next day. I try and have a friend here when he picks her up in the hope that he will be civil. But this is not possible all the time. Yesterday when he dropped her off (on time thankfully) he told me that he was ashamed that i was the mother of his
child)

I dont know what to do, except limit him coming over,but that would mean limiting his time with his daughter which i do not want to do.

He has become jekyll and hyde he is cruel one day and then the next day he is funny kind and caring. I am confused and hurt, i feel completely overwhelmed.

I tust him with our daughter(she is 2) and she loves her dad and i do not want to hinder their relationship. But bearing the brunt of his mood swings seems unfair. If i can be civil to him when he has turned my life upside down, surely it has to be easier for him doesn't it?

How do i stop being hurt without damaging my daughters relationship with her dad?

Oh Charis,

This is an all too familiar story. Read back through the posts on wiki and you will see it again and again.

YOu are bearing the brunt of this man's guilt. By being civil and not rising to his taunts, you are denying him the opportunity to justify his actions. Being totally reasonable may be the hardest thing to do .. but believe me it is going to hurt him a lot more than it hurts you ... that is why he is being the way he is.

Well done for managing to do this and doing your best to keep a good relationship between him and your daughter. I know it is hard .. I know it hurts .. but don't let him see it even for a second.

When you are feeling upset or angry, come on here and rant .. the chat room is a great place to do it .. and that'll help you deal with the hurt.

HAdenoughnow

Your husband sounds like a very angry, bitter man. He is probably racked with guilt over what he's done and very angry at himself, but instead of growing a spine and excepting resonsibility he's taking it out on you because you are an easy target.

There really isn't any easy way to stop this awful behaviour. I suppose you could try writing him a letter explaining how this makes you feel and that is bound to be having an effect on your daughter, who he loves very much.

You are obviously a very caring and loving person putting up with this for the sake of your daughter. I wish I could give you an answer to your problem, sorry.

Take care

Mad x

Hi Charis

It's a similar story for me, my ex left nearly 2 months ago to be with someone else after being together over 24 yrs yet he is the one saying horrible things and having a go at me whenever he can. Looking back this has been going on for some time well before he left, I think he was trying to justify himself to himself but I've always tried to remain civil. People have commented how calm I am about it but really I'm not calm, I'm as angry as hell and very hurt. I think just as Hadenoughnow says it's their way of handling their guilt. It's not your fault he feels guilty so next time he starts just ignore it and think to yourself I'm a lucky person cos I don't have to put up with this person anymore. Just goes to show how shallow he is.

Hi Charis,
I agree with those above.I have found the best way is to play deaf and show no emotion.Now all the bda words have stopped.

Hiya Charis,

Here is a practical proposal which may work if your x is like mine a "street angel" and a "house devil" i.e. he will not start a scene in public, but will rant and rave in private.

What about the 2 of you agreeing to 'exchange' the child in a public place, like a supermarket carpark. ?
That way you will be spared all the snide remarks.
As I say, it probably only works with people who are very mindful of their environment, but perhaps worth thinking about.
Red XX

Hi all

Thanks for the replies, i guess i will just carry on trying to ignore his comments. He has to get bored at some point.

As you have said he is probably feeling guilty and is too irresponsible to handle it in a mature way.

It just seems wrong that even though he got his life back (his words) he still feels the need to verbally attack me.

Red.. it's a good idea to meet in public but he doesnt really yell and scream that much. So i think the comments would continue, however I would be able to walk away. At least it would give me back some control.