adultery

Hi, I have recently found out that my wife is sexting a work colleague, we have been married 18months but been together for 4 years, I caught my wife having a affair a year before we got married, but she insured me it was over and it was the circumstances of our relationship at the time that drove her to confide in a good friend which then ended up as an affair, I forgave her (just) and we moved on.
I noticed recently that her mood towards me had become hostile every now and then ,as this was the case the first time I confronted her and asked if she was having or intending to have an affair, she insists that she loves me deeply and only wants to be with me and nothing is going on,
I know this is a lie as I have found text messages of the explicit nature, but as far as I can tell, nothing has happened (yet).
I’m very confused as we have discussed and made plans for well into the future even our retirement ,I love my wife very much, but cant take the uncertainty of when she is lying to me or telling the truth, I work away for 2 weeks of the month and she has regular meeting once a month in different parts of the country, once I return home, I will confront her with the proof I have, even though I have already told her I suspect, she insist nothing is going on and she loves only me.
Here’s my question,
The only way I can think off to make her tell the truth and shake her up a bit is some type of agreement,
I have adapted a Separation Agreement in to a Infidelity agreement, which basically states that if Infidelity is proven without doubt with in a 3 year period of signing she would agree to hand over title of her share of the house to me,
Is this legal or can such a document be made legal.

Thanks.

Look, if you don''t trust your wife or can''t rebuild it the marriage is effectively over. There is no point in playing games and trying to invent schemes to prevent her financial claims. Not only is it likely to have the opposite effect you desire but you will waste a fortune in legal costs so there would be very little or nothing left for either spouse.

I''m not trying to play game''s I''m trying to give her a wake up call, we have 2 kids from previous relationships, none from ours, we have a very open relationship,ie there''s no such thing as a tabo subject we talk and discuss everything,our sex life is great,we don''t argue more than normal, so why the deceit? I have told her I have no problem with her looking at porn sites,we do it together anyway, as I said I love my wife and she keeps telling me that I am her world,but when I''m away for two week it eats away inside me that she might be lying,this the has a great potential to turn to resentment and anger,which I want to ovoid, so rather than just scream "divorce" I''m trying to think of other ways first.

Welcome to Wikivorce, I''m sorry you have found yourself here, and that the first reply you had to your very first post was curt and rude.

It is commendable that you are trying to look at alternatives and not head straight down the divorce route, but your proposal of an "infidelity agreement" is not the way forward.

I would suggest that you both attend couple counselling to explore the issues in your relationship, and look at ways to move forwards and try to resolve some of those issues. It is possible to re-build a relationship - and trust - but it takes a lot of effort form both parties, and isn''t easy, even when you are both committed to working towards a resolution.



Ruth

If you love your wife and want to save the marriage I would recommend relationship counselling (see Relationships Scotland). The problem with open marriages and pornography is that they may leave one party feeling inadequate and that may well be the crux of the problem.

Relationship counselling should improve communication so that you have a better understanding of where your wife is coming from. Adultery or sextexting may be a symptom of problems within a marriage. IF the problem can be identified in a realistic and non blaming way the marriage might be saved. When a marriage can''t be saved relationship counselling can help couples separate and divorce with dignity so high levels of conflict and legal bills are avoided.

Sorry my last post crossed with Ruby''s. I don''t think my first post was curt or rude, or at least it wasn''t intended to be. As Forseti once said it is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Challenging assumptions can be helpful if it gets someone to look at things from a different perspective, as long as it is done in a respectful way.

Thank you Ruth for some understanding, Fiona, you need to read what you write, you have come across as curt and rude, in fact you across as someone who loves this kind of site so you can stamp on people, if you try reading the post instead of jumping in feet first, you''ll see, I''ve tried to simplify my question and ad some back ground rather than rant on for pages.
we don''t have an open marriage!! what I''m saying is there is no subject matter that cannot be talked about, if she see a good looking guy she''ll say so and the same for me,(obviously women) it saves trying to sneak a look at them.
as for the porn,neither of us feel inadequate, in fact we normally have a good laugh watching them, my problem is I cant understand the lies?
I know nothing sexual has happened,but that doesn''t mean it wont.
I fully intend to sit down and talk this over with my wife, as she doesn''t know that I know..yet, and yes Counselling will be an option, I know if we go down the divorce route she will be devastated, which again puzzles the hell out of me, I suppose I''m trying to give myself some added reassurance when I work away.