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Am I being too soft or am I being amicable.

  • Sals45
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13 Aug 07 #1956 by Sals45
Topic started by Sals45

Husband earns £1500 net a month after rent has been deducted, future pay increases on the horizon..

I earn £1300 net a month.
Married for 8 years together 11 years.
Two children aged 9 and 11.

Husband left two months ago and is now living in Army Barracks, (a soldier who is not posted abroad).

I live in the service quarter with complete care of the children, he has shown no inclination of wanting the children, too much of a hassle in his line of work!!.

We have agreed that I will ask him to help in school holidays because I simply do not have enough annual leave to cover a whole year, any other arrangements will be ad hoc I suppose, but I think it will be only when I need the help…how awful is that, but that’s another matter, need to keep it all amicable.

We have a joint Individual Voluntary arrangement for our combined debts and have another three years at £475 a month. He has agreed to continue paying this to stop me having to go bankrupt, (if I can get rid of this debt then I see a possibility of financially surviving)..The knock on effect will be that he will have to too and then he will lose his job.

If he keeps his job his future pension will obviously be of interest to me.

We have agreed that he will pay child maintenance at 20% on the £1500, so I am thanking him for paying the rent but also paying the IVA. But I have told him that it will have to go up once I am out of the house.

I have agreed to pay all household bills and maintain the property until I am eventually evicted. He has not informed anyone of our separation so our secret will at least maintain a status quo for me and the children, but I know the sting will come eventually. When I am evicted I will have to re-locate and have to leave my job.

The thing is have I forgotten anything?...have I done the maths right?...am I being fair.

We are both in agreement just to informally separate, but I am afraid that it will all become bitter and twisted, the longer we just plod on, or has he got a hidden agenda.

It’s all very well being able to survive just about now but I need to have something built in for our future demise, as I predict.

So another question without getting a divorce right now how can I get things sorted legally that will support our agreements now but to eventually cover our future.

God I still love him….but I know I am so vulnerable and do not want to be so agreeable as to fall flat on my face, cos I should not trust him…he simply left us.

Please help me.:(

  • Dobber
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13 Aug 07 #1958 by Dobber
Reply from Dobber
So he is paying 20% CM (fair enough) , your rent, and the whole payments on your joint debts & you want more money off him once you leave your MQ.I think HE is the one being too soft & more than amnicable. I can sense trouble ahead with this. Get yourselves down to a family mediation center to sort out your finances. They are a fantastic help , dont take sides , & help you both come to an amnicable settlement. Good luck.


  • Fiona
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13 Aug 07 #1963 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona

  • Sals45
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13 Aug 07 #1965 by Sals45
Reply from Sals45
I get the impression that you think I am bleeding him dry.

At his stage I am living..

Planning for our future is the only way I can cope with the fact that there will be a future at all.

So my husband will be a poor single man?. Living in barracks with very little outgoings.

I will be a poor single parent of two with the only thing out of an eight year marriage is his commitment to my children financially. I will re-locate and lose my career and my future prospects. I cannot put a value on that but it is something he has caused me to potentially lose and then a whole home to finance and run on top of that.

In three years he will be £475 better off a month. Have the life that he has chosen and be rid of any financial ties with me through his choosing.

In any given six month period I will lose everything. A date of his choosing. He cannot risk me not paying into the IVA pot so he is doing this for his own good.

But of course it is all my fault. It always is!!

child benefit 120.00
No tax credit have been overpaid in the past..but thankyou for the pointer..I had forgotten about this.

You see there is a reason for me being here.

Anyway..I have had my rant and do thankyou for your input.

  • Dobber
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14 Aug 07 #1993 by Dobber
Reply from Dobber
Hey Sals , I can understand how your feeling but hey , thats divorce for you. The financial implications are imense on both partys. May aswell try to get used to it as things will get alot worse before they get better.

Ok he may be 475pm better off in 3 years , so what. Three years is a long time. You dont know where either of you both will be then. You may be married to a millionarie or won the lotto who knows. Its only 475pm hes been paying off on BOTH your debts anyway. I really would concider yourself lucky. I,m only paying half my joint debt which finishes in Feb anyway.

He may be a single soldier now living in the barracks (is he in a mess ?) & gets 3 square meals & a bed everynight but he still needs enough to support himself in the future. What will happen if he meets & sets up home with someone else ? 725pm wont be enough. If he is in a mess 725pm is quite borderline for living costs as a singly anyway. My mess bills were horrendous !!!Especially if hes living in the big house !!!

Seriously hunnie, I know its hard but try not to get too stressed about it all. Take stock & do your sums ready for a mediation session. They will help you both set a budget & come to an amnicable agreement. It is a rough ride so buckle up. Good luck.


  • Sals45
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16 Aug 07 #2039 by Sals45
Reply from Sals45
Hi Dobber,

I do try not to get stressed...but a reality check...compare my life with my X2B..He works no harder than me...never has, perhaps I am jealous of his social life too...he will need lots of money to keep this up..eh Dobber, but lets take our potential futures out of the equation, I do not have the gift of prediction.

The hard fact is we are talking about now, I am securing the worse case scenario.

I could have done so much damage to him out of spite, even if it meant me losing the possibility of CM, but I am a civil person and if in the future we feel that a re-structure is necessary it can be done when we are both perhaps ticking along nicely.

I have spent the last two years robbing peter to pay paul and lead a frugal life...I may have to continue to do this until my children leave my home as adults..or even longer some Grandparents will be saying.

So now compare three years..to that.

We are at the two month stage..nothing is hard and fast and Ok the civility in me is saying perhaps i should go half on the IVA...and just need time to sort the immediate out before I commit myself, a protection because where it comes to money...he has had me over once and I do not want it to happen again. he would never not pay the IVA..but he could stop the CM..if that happens I'll accept that and say ok he's paying my share? of the IVA.

And in three years I'll go to the official collectors of CM and they can sort it all..and £300 CM may shoot up and kick him where it really hurts out of the blue. Because lets not forget how much of a pay rise he will achieve in three years. Of course he may have had more children by then...but that would be predicting the future.

Perhaps he is feeling civil at this time...because he has chosen to go with his dreams and wishes and dumped the joint projected future I had with him..No he is protecting his own interests.

So simply done, like throwing a pair of holey socks away, but why is it that I have had to wash them first...strange that.

I'm glad that you came to an amicable agreement about your combined debts...but I see that grin..why are you grinnning?...Was your X too soft or just amicable?.

Thanks for your input...it does set my thinking straight.

Cheers Dobber.

  • jay160602
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16 Aug 07 #2045 by jay160602
Reply from jay160602
hey sals, you've only been married 8 years & your after his army pension aswell!

You know you can work till your 65, i'd guess your between 30 & 35 years old? Gives you more than enough time to pay into your own pension scheme without trying to rob your ex's retirement fund.

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