Final Hearing in 4 weeks - want to give up.

Hatton1, I’ve been where you are. Same ex, same stress and same thoughts. The lead up to the FH is pure hell. I don’t do stress but OMG I’ve never been through anything like it. All I can say is you are run down, it is taking its toll. But stick in there, I did and it was all ok in the end. Focus on the finish line. The fact that the end is in sight should give you some comfort. Once it is done and dusted there is a strange void for a short period and then one day you realise how great life is without all that stress and uncertainty in your life. You will get there. You are strong. Just come on here and vent if you need to and don’t bottle up the feelings. I was a complete basket case a few weeks before, so welcome to the club!
The hardest path is usually the most worthwhile and rewarding!
Stay strong, rest up and carry on!

ps. Listen to some music to get away from that overwhelming sinking in quicksand feeling! Maybe start a thread for Final Hearing songs!

Take care hun!

Wise words from Bubblegum. It is horrible thinking that someone else is going to make such a big decision about your future. She is right though, the feeling when it is over and you can start to plan your own future is brilliant.

Try not to stress about what's in the statement. Your contribution is equal to his. Don't worry about him being used to being in court. This isn't a criminal court. He isn't the authority figure here.

From what you say, the chances are that you will get what you need, possibly more than you have asked for.

We will all be rooting for you.

Hadenoughnow

Nothing useful to add but I will be sending positive vibes, this will soon be over and you will be able to move on. Cosset yourself for the next few weeks so you are as healthy as possible for court, try not to stress, let your solicitor do that for you. Come back in 4 weeks and tell us how much better it went than you could possibly have imagined I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think, when I am low I come up with so many horrible scenarios and worry about them all when realistically some of them are opposites and can't possibly both happen. Keep reading the positive outcomes on Wiki, so many people have been through this you can do this too.

Thank you so much lovely people. I feel like I just got a giant hug or at the very least a mug of lemsip !!

I do know I have to see this through and I've been letting his emails, telling me how unreasonable and greedy I am wear me down. It all sounds so plausible and patronising, I start doubting myself again. He seems to know when I am weakest ( and of course it's all my own fault that I'm unwell etc). I've stopped engaging in anyway this week. Solicitors only from now on - hey what's a few more £1000 of Monopoly money.

Hadenoughnow and Clawed thank you so much for the support. Yes undoubtedly fear of what 'may' happen is hopefully worse than what will happen. Wish I didn't have such an overactive imagination though...

Bubblegum, thank you for your kind words. It helps to hear others found the process hell too. You seem so together, so not meaning to take comfort in someone else's difficulty, it really does help to hear it's not just me going mad. I just thought I was stronger than this and I keep finding out that I'm not, mentally or physically. But I am feeling slightly less pathetic knowing I am not alone in being this way.

You are right, it's the uncertainty that's done me in. But one way or another it will be decided. I can hang my chandelier from a tent or a cardboard box then and at least I'll know which.

'The Sound of Silence' would be my first song on that thread. Either from my whirring brain or my hacking cough !!

Thank you so much everyone - you have no idea how much it helped.

Ok well Final Hearing was yesterday and I thought I would update everyone.

I turned into a complete lunatic for few weeks and rang the helpline on hadenoughnow' suggestion. I was put in touch with a wonderful lady who honestly pulled me back from the brink. Not sure if I am allowed to name her but she was amazing and helped me focus on what was important - i.e. The financial stuff and not his malicious nonsense. Her support was incredible and what a brilliant woman.

Not a great result for me unfortunately. But then I wasn't expecting one really. The judge was fair, disallowed any of his vile narrative statement, and tried to accommodate both sides needs but we both ended up with not what either of us wanted, plus between us £55k in legal fees down the toilet.

It ended up with 70:30 to me on the house equity (so £270,000 out of £383,000. Plus £77,000 from the £131,000 cash savings. So £347,000 in total with a 25% pension share (£176,000 from 708,000 pension). Clean Break. So minus my Novitas loan of £30k I have £317,000 to rehouse and a pension I can't draw on until I am 60 in 14 years time. I earn £23k.

He ended up with £177,000 cash minus his £25,000 legal bill so £152,000, savings and equity. £22,000 in vehicles and 75% of his pension in payment £532,000. Didn't seem to matter that he reduced his earnings from £50k to £9k apparently which was sad but there you go. Him and her have earning capacity of £140k and actual £110k.

I didn't want his pension and had tried to leave it alone. I hoped for more equity because now we will almost certainly need to move to a different town, he wanted to preserve his pension totally as he gets £30k a year from it.

But the fat lady sung and I felt huge relief last night that although we are not in a great position it was at least finally over after a gruelling 15 hour day with the journey.

Now it turns out I am not quite off the rollercoaster yet....

Received an email from his solicitors today saying although it was very unusual would there be any room to negotiate the 25% pension share against me getting more cash assets along the lines of my proposal before we entered the court room. Seriously ????? My solicitor is going to ring and find out more tomorrow....NOW after the final hearing the man finally wants to negotiate ???

Forgot to add, in case it helps anyone else in the future. Agreed child maintenance of £400 pcm for the 15yr old. But he refused to budge in helping out in anyway the 18yr old while he's at university from September.

I've heard so many times that when the judge decides neither side end up happy, at least you are now in a position of real strength as you know what you are actually entitled to. I've never heard of negotiating after the final hearing but that's for your solicitor to sort out, good luck and I'm so glad to hear about the support you got from the helpline. Keep us updated on your final outcome and stick around and encourage those that follow, I loved reading the happy updates once it's all over and life moves on they kept me going in the early days.