Newly seperated and terrified

My wife (I was in a Civil Partnership and am myself a woman) had been having an affair with our next door neighbour for months. I found out in May, and within a week she had said she loved me no more (after 15 years together) and left just a few weeks later to live with the neighbour. She became verbally aggressive towards me. All sorts. Leaving me in financial difficulties and with two small children.
It's HARD. I suffered from panic attacks, depression, anxiety. The lot. The doctor basically diagnosed PTSD.
I DOES get better. It takes time. I'm 5 months in and coping. I was terrified of loneliness, but you get used to your own company. As you come through you start to be able to see that you didn't deserve this, and that you don't want or need that person that doesn't want you.
I still have, sometimes quite major, wobbles. But its ok. Only time can help really. Get some legal advice. Get some medical advice. Spend time on yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. Do things you enjoy doing that you weren't before. Be honest with your son. Don't be afraid to show emotion when he's around. Its natural and normal and is the right example to set. When bad things happen people cry etc.
Keep going. You CAN do this.

Today is a bad day!
when the realisation hits you that this is it.....he's not coming back and you have no idea how you are even gonna get through the next minute!
He says he will go counselling with me in Jan (to see if there is anything to save) as at the mo he is depressed and going to the docs....but in the next breath he's telling me not to get my hopes up and I shouldn't wait if I don't want to!!
THIS IS CONFUSING!!!!
I want it to end...I want to feel ok....I want to sleep....HELP!!

By sitting on the fence and trying to keep his options open, your husband is actually making it more distressing for you by seemingly giving you hope and the next minute withdrawing that. However, it seems he really doesn't know what he wants and is also struggling with depression, although the one thing may be causing the other. If he's seriously depressed, even with medical help, it will be some time before he's able to focus objectively on the reality of the situation. Perhaps he needs to deal with his depression first and your marriage second.

Whether counselling helps resolve things either way, it may help him explain what's going on in his mind at the moment and it's that unknown that's really confusing you, so it would be very worthwhile.

For your own peace of mind, sketch out a plan to assess your situation whatever happens; look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing and finances. It will give you some control and may shock him into getting down off the fence and focusing on the issues.

Hang in there it does get easier.

I dealt with the fear and anxiety by filing for divorce, I was glad of something concrete to deal with and it made me feel in control having my free floating fears about how I could cope answered by sorting out the practicalities of the situation, I've always preferred to keep my emotions damped down so didn't want to dwell on how I felt.
My approach might not suit everyone but I thought it worth a mention, I wanted the divorce done as soon as possible. Part of me wanted to shock my ex into realising what he was throwing away and it was pointed out to me that I could change my mind or we could be together again even if divorced if things worked out but it turned out he was as eager to get it sorted as I was.

OMG right now that just fills me with the utmost dread....this all started a month ago....I feel like it's all moving too fast already!

Hi Angie,

Time can be strange and fickle, your going through so much everyday emotionally that it drains you immensely.

The pain is there because the relationship is very important to you, in accepting the pain you are acknowledging the situation and experiencing the grief of loss and uncertainty.

As difficult as it is, feeling the grief is simply part of the journey towards acceptance of the situation and will ultimately lead to your healing. I think most people have seen the effects when buried feelings that have not been effectively dealt with come to the surface further down the line.

The truth is that you are special, if you loose yourself in the process of valuing someone else too much then you are loosing two people.

This may well be where your husband is right now and sounds like this too is causing you pain. From someone who has had to, and somewhat still am having to deal with depression myself, this is not at all easy, your Husband may not be able to effectively move things along, and as Mitchum says sketch out a plan and assess your options will ultimately help you both.

Take heart in the fact that you continue to be a great parent, that you are an amazing and beautiful person, you are unique and can never ever loose the very thing that makes you special. If you feel that your are losing yourself then do a bit of re-connection work and stay true to yourself...... in the meantime a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and a big spoon sometimes works a treat - keep up the posting.

angie67 wrote:

OMG right now that just fills me with the utmost dread....this all started a month ago....I feel like it's all moving too fast already!

My ex told me it was over 28/09/14 and I filed for divorce 12/11/14, I felt so much better being in control and safer to deal with my emotions once I knew what would happen.
Most advice was to delay doing anything official until I felt better but I knew that I would cling on to the hope that it was all going to be ok if I didn't make it official especially as my ex didn't start making plans to move out until he received the divorce papers.
Do what you feel is best for you, sticking around here is a good start.