Newly seperated and terrified

He has been round today had a go at me for being upset told me I am handling it badly and that I should pull myself together for our son. Later my son found me crying and called his dad all angry and upset - which I also got the blame for.
I'm living a nightmare that I can't wake up from!!!

You will be blamed for everything, it gets them out of guilt. It has to be your fault they are not happy with their lives.
My stbx has done things over the years that anyone else would have walked away from, not me, I stood by him. He would have left me years ago if his "friend " would have had him. He worked very excessive hours, his choice, all for the benefit of our future. I have worked flexible hours all our married life but now apparently I have never contributed to the finances. He has followed me, photographed me, attacked me and phoned several times very drunk and abusive, yet he claims im harassing him in court. You have to do what is best for your family. Of course you are going to be upset, you are human and have feelings, your world has been turned up side down and none of it is your doing. I really believe that if there is no real grounds for divorce, then the vows people swear to on marriage should have bigger consequences for those that take it upon themselves to break those vows. If my stbx had told me he was unhappy, if we had spent time together rather than him working every hour, we would not be in the courts now. I do feel if I was better prepared for the break up it would not have been so devastating for me.
2 years ago I genuinely thought I would never get through this. My children had left home, I was completely on my own. For 30 years there was always someone to come home to but not now. Striding comfortably into middle age and looking forward to a happy retirement I found myself totally alone. The 2 years has given me time to see how much I was just a pawn in my stbx life. This site was a life saver and I really mean that. I have gained strength and knowledge which in turn has made me stronger and more confident in myself.
You will get through this because you have an amazing little boy that needs you as much as you need him. There is nothing that you will go through that the majority of people on here have not been through and will be able to offer help and comfort. I dont cry very often now. I am still heartbroken about what has happened but I know it is his problem not mine. Stay strong, make notes of everything and keep a diary, it all seems trivial but I wish I had.
XX

The 'blame' thing happens. The more I read about what happens when somebody leaves the more I realise that they all seem to follow the same 'script'.

My wife (I'm also a 'she') changed since I discover her affair and she choose to leave. She started off with its not your fault, our're a good woman, I have just changed over the years etc. Within a couple of weeks, and seeing the utter devastation she caused to me, our children and then wider family and friends it suddenly became MY fault. I didn't do this, I didn't do that. She's always been unhappy because of this and that aspect of my character, some talks/arguments became complete and utter character assassinations. If I'd have made her happier she wouldn't have looked elsewhere etc.

I have also suffered from the other terrible thing they then do - which is getting cross at you for being upset. I got told I was being dramatic, I was being attention seeking, I was trying to make everyone hate her etc. We have a few friends that are really angry with what she did and how she did it - she will NOT take ANY responsibility for that - its of course because I've lied, I've cried for effect. Nothing to do with that she had a months long affair. They won;t take responsibility for their own actions under any circumstances. I was not doing anything for effect. I was devastated, desperate, on the edge of self harm, depressed, suffering panic attacks, not sleeping. She lost ALL respect, empathy etc. Got verbally aggressive, disrespectful etc.

When my partner left I would have done anything to have her back. Now 5 months down the line I can see that was just a knee jerk panic response only. It would never have been the same. Only consider having them back if you are going to be happy starting again with somebody new. You and them are going to be changed totally by the thing that have been said and done. I still love my wife, she was the love of my life. But with some time (5 months now) and perspective I can see that I'm in love with a memory. That person no longer exists. The new person is angry, greedy, aggressive, spiteful, manipulative, a liar, jealous and a cheat.



Keep going angie67. It does get better. I almost hate saying that - people said it to me and I just couldn't hear it at the time. I juts saw no way through. But it does. I still cry, sob sometimes. I did yesterday. I did the x-mas decorations with the kids. It was hard work, I had tidying up to do, dinner to cook, mess everywhere, bickering tired children, nobody to help. I had a total 10 minutes breakdown, throwing a few things about in the bedroom and a bit of swearing (out of ear of the kids)! BUT, I wouldn't have her back - not for anything. I don't like the new her in any way - and you have to stop being fooled by your eyes that its still them - it looks like them - but its not them!

The pain is unbearable!!!!!!

Angie. It is. Just now it is. Almost. You CAN bear it, because you are. It WILL pass. Hang in there.

Krazy talks sense, hang in there - this too shall pass.
One day you may look back and be grateful for the changes this terrible time brought to your life, I do.

Exactly Clawed. I'm only 5 months in. The arguments and stresses abound still. Divorce is in process. Its mega hard on every level - emotional, financial, health. I would never have chosen this. But, I didn't get a choice, so I'm seeing people I didn't used to see. I'm spending more precious time with family. I'm getting involved with new hobbies, I even have a new positive relationship to enjoy and be excited about. Stop fighting what you cannot control. As soon as you give up that fight - it all gets easier.

IN the words of Gandalf..... “I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”