Life DURING Divorce!

Well, I'm not 'apres divorce', (not even started yet!).

But wanted to ask on well-being DURING this divorce hell.

I am going to take a holiday next week, but I know that'll be escapism for ten days only.

I feel like a gutted fish, drowning in sorrow, even with the holiday, I can't even feel that I'll enjoy the experience without HIM!

I've survived divorce before, second time around, (and with no reason).... I'm finding it even harder to cope.

I'm wondering what others do. I just clock-watch. I set the TV to 'favourites', then watch rubbish. Nothing takes my mind off the divorce issues. Nothing. I eat, sleep, breathe it!

I'm not a drink or drug user, but I'm getting tempted!

I don't know how much more I can take. He is being cruel, (a control freak!)I pretend I don't care, but I'm just crushed. Advice anyone?

Dear Sera

I know how you feel, I really do. For what it is worth, I think you were wise to take a holiday. I think it may do you more good than you think.

My wife left me four months ago to return to her home state of North Carolina, purely and simply through homesickness. She didn't want to leave me as such ; she just wanted to go home. I knew this was going to happen since about Summer 2006, but she could not leave till May 2007 because her house in NC was tenanted. It was a terrible long goodbye, and I hoped against hope she would change her mind. It was almost a relief when it finally happened, and I had planned a holiday two weeks later visiting the great capital cities of Europe. It lifted my spirit, and I was well on the way to recovery by the time I got back.

It was a help to me that my wife is approaching this in a totally non-confrontational way, we remain on good terms, neither of us wants to do the other down, and wouldn't it be nice if everyone were like that ? ( Well, it wouldn't be very good for lawyers, I guess ). But I worry about the future too,I know I will have to move to release capital in the FMH to buy her an annuity. The uncertainty is debilitating, I understand. It is, in a strange sort of way, a form of therapy to post on this site and help others. I am well on the road to recovery now, and those who know me say that I am 200% better after she has gone and I have no more caring responsibilities.

May I suggest that you have a look at a site called wifesgone. As you will gather, it's rather intended for men ; but it does give practical help and advice about managing the process. Can't see why it wouldn't help the ladies either.

God bless
Mike

Sera wrote:

Well, I'm not 'apres divorce', (not even started yet!).

But wanted to ask on well-being DURING this divorce hell.

I am going to take a holiday next week, but I know that'll be escapism for ten days only.

I feel like a gutted fish, drowning in sorrow, even with the holiday, I can't even feel that I'll enjoy the experience without HIM!

I've survived divorce before, second time around, (and with no reason).... I'm finding it even harder to cope.

I'm wondering what others do. I just clock-watch. I set the TV to 'favourites', then watch rubbish. Nothing takes my mind off the divorce issues. Nothing. I eat, sleep, breathe it!

I'm not a drink or drug user, but I'm getting tempted!

I don't know how much more I can take. He is being cruel, (a control freak!)I pretend I don't care, but I'm just crushed. Advice anyone?

To be honest you are not over it if you feel like this and any passtime like holidays, pictures etc will feel like hell. I cant explain the feeling but I know what its like and its hell. Something I never want to experiance again. I used to take myself out to try and rebuild my life. I went to the pictures and I would sit there thinking about the situation and not concentrate on the film. I would just up and leave half way thru. If I went for a meal it was the same. I just wanted to eat and get out. I couldnt have gone on holiday.

You wont find solice in a bottle. Its not there. As my partner say's "Time is a great healer".

You are enemies now. Thats why he seems like a control freak. Hide your feelings and dont let him see you upset. He will use this against you. Remember its war. Total absolute war on all fronts. Why dont you have a creative reshape with the scissors on his ties or some pepper in his underpants. Will make you smile. You could also put some eyedrops in his tea. Ha ha.

Things are very differnt now that I am 19 months on from the very beggining. Now I go for days and days without thinking about it. I am also starting to forget things. I cant remember nothing before January 2006 and not much between January and November 2006. Weird.

When I come on these forums its like writing about someone I vagely remember and yet I spent 12 years married and I knew her for 22 years.

I can tell you what was said to me. I didnt believe it at the time but I can tell you its definatly true. Time will fix this for you. In 6 months to a year you will be fine. It gets better the longer time passes. One day you will meet someone new and all this will seem like a bad dream. How I knew I was over it was I suddenly thought. Sh** I havent thought about the saddo hunch back poodle faced lying cheating scum bag for a while. Just sit back and wait. It all comes right. All on its own. Chris.

I had a real good heart to heart with my daughter recently and I told her what all of this was doing to me. I knew she didnt want to take sides and I am happy about that but certain things were bugging me for instance why had she not been in touch with me for several months? Why was she not texting me or returning my calls like she used to? Why was she staying out of my life? Was she supporting her mother behind my back and can't face me?

Yes, its a living hell and the mind plays terrible tricks.

It all boiled down to one fact I had forgotten!!! She was all grown up now with her own family, her own problems and on top of that she too has to go to work!

We sat for 5 hours reminiscing, laughing, crying and it did me so much good. I told her how her mother was behaving towards me in all of this without enhancing anything but just telling it how it is. She wasn't so much shocked because she does know just how stubborn her mum can be but she couldn't believe the road her mother was taking me down with all this legal rubbish. That evening proved to me one thing! I do believe that my ex-wife has forgotten something too in all of this!! Her daughter and the fact that if she does take me for everything and wins, that she will lose the respect and affection from the one closest person she has left in her life!

In an evil passing thought that ocassionally sails through my mind now (I am truly not a sadistic person but sadly it gets you like this)the thought of this loss to my ex warms me slightly because money and the FMH can't love you and give you warmth! The loss of her daughter's respect will be a kind of sweet revenge for me - Chris almost like putting eye drops in her tea from a distance!!!!

I was planting some young shrubs and plants in the garden this weekend with my NP and I was thinking forward to next spring/summer when these would blossom into flower and suddenly I felt a rush of fresh air run through my lungs and I realised that I will be able to really appreciate their true beauty instead of having that dreadful haze come down over me in the form of fear and dread of forthcoming sols letters dropping through my door, legalities, sleepless nights etc etc I am sure you all know those feelings.............Me and My NP have really put our life on hold this year. We did go away for a week earlier this year and we did forget and we enjoyed but the letters were there waiting for us as soon as we arrived back

After my FH in September we have a week booked away in October and another week in November then off to Scotland for Christmas to do some good healthy hill walking or even skiing who knows?? BUT boy are we looking forward to it all. Its giving us both something to work towards without constantly thinking of the FH looming!! But whatever happens at the FH the best looming thing in all of this is my future release from this dreadful pain and freedom............yeh!!

My bestest to all of you on here who are suffering make sure you have something lined up to look forward to beyond divorce - its true, time does heal well and it really does!!!!

OBE

still living in the MH with my wife, we split up just over 3 months ago. I signed off her petition 3 weeks ago. It took me 10 days to get over her but i can't stop worrying about our 2 young children.

What with work, children, exercise, dinner, i find there are not enough hours in the day, i could easily live without Tv. Yes the divorce is in the back of my mind, but i've still got to work, i still have huge responsibilities to my children & i still want to keep fit eat well & have a few drinks with freinds.

A busy routine works for me.

Keeping busy can work out well. I used to do all the crap jobs at work to keep busy. I would work my arse off. But it was there all the time. I would either be super alert or I would shut down. It was a weird time. I dont know how long it lasted but there was a change about a year ago. I stopped moping about and started to pull myself together. I think it depends on what type of person you are and your situation. I think you get on better if you are the dumper rather than the dumped. I was a bit of both. Mostly dumped though. To be honest I just washed my hands of her after it all came out and I think that was part of the reason for the full on abuse I got. I think she expected me to fight for her and I just couldnt. I just didnt want her after what she did.

One thing that happned in August was I bought my current home. I didnt move in until November but the offer was in. I suppose I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. My garage was filling up nicely with belongings. The box's were stacked up to the rafters and 2 deep in places. I had a whole houses contents in a garage. I digress. Chris.

Hi Sera

Several people have told me that writing stuff down has helped them to cope with things. Some keep diaries, others write letters to their ex (but don't send them).

Also, as ChrisM says, keeping busy helps. Why not take up a new hobby - this will give you a new interest and you will also meet new people.

Hope this helps

AnnieB)