Love and Sex

hawaythelads wrote:

I have to admit I''m just always incredulous that I''ve managed to get a woman in bed with me so I always enjoy it

All the best
HRH xx

I just use one of these Pete



Works like a charm. Mind you, they are a bit groggy afterwards

C.

Northernboy - sadly it''s a rut that many of us get into. I didn''t feel loved and cherished so sex became very mechanical and I was glad when it was over. Unfortunately my husband''s idea of ''reasonable conjugal rights'' was every day. I think if it had been a handful of times a year I''d have caught him out seeking it from elsewhere much sooner! One thing that has come out of this is that I know I am NEVER going to give in to having sex if I don''t want to. It is horrid living with the knowledge that my husband has manipulated and dominated me to do things that I didn''t want to do - that is not a loving sexual relationship.

The irony for me is that I had started counselling before the break up, as I thought the sex issue was all my fault because of something that had happened in my childhood - it took two sessions for my counsellor to realise what was actually going on and I now feel liberated, knowing that it was not me that had the problem. Unfortunately I''m not sure the damage will ever be repaired.

Hi Dazed.

Dazed wrote:

I wasn''t preapared to be his porn fuelled fantasy of what sex should be like.

And this is the problem with porn. Real sex is nothing like porn. I think the people that watch it a lot get the wrong idea about what sex should be. Intimate and caring and loving. Those sorts of things dont exist in Debbie Does Dallas.

For me sex has to be genuine, selfless, loving, trusting & I need to feel genuinely cared for. Sometimes, sex can be just plain lusty & that is fine too - so long as the basics are in place & you don''t end up feeling used.

And this was the problem I had. I used to feel used after sex. I wanted to feel wanted. But I was treated like some bit part actor in Debby does Dallas. And it got to me in the end in that I used to nod off during the video''s she would like to watch. Which if I am honest were really boring. In lots of ways

Perhaps thats why I am so anti porn now. C.

Hi Action.

Action wrote:

Unfortunately I''m not sure the damage will ever be repaired.

That is upto you. But I suspect that if you take it very slowly with someone and, you are treated right, it will all drop into place. And you can put this part of the problem behind you.

We all have hangups of some kind. I had lots of them when I left. Little by little they are dropping away. But some will always remain. And these are the things you learn to live with.

But I must say that not all men treat their partners like a piece of meat. Most men are sensitive and kind. And would understand you in a heart beat. C.

God. Reading all this has hit me hard. I actually feel extremely guilty now. I feel like our sex life was one sided. It was about my fantasies. I listen to how some of you ladies feel about your experiences and wonder if that was my wife too. We certainly didn''t make love often...once a month maybe...less in the end. But when we did I have to say that it was mainly what I wanted. I''m thinking maybe I was selfish in the sense that I didn''t TRY hard enough to get into her head sexually. But I had given up. I think I thought she was satisfied even. I question why I didn''t try to communicate harder. In many ways, I lost the impetus. She never wanted to lay in bed and talk with me for hours, just cuddling. She never wanted to go for walks together just connecting. I think that lack of emotional connection inevitably influenced how I saw her in the bedroom...she was disconnected from me emotionally and sexually. But I can''t stop blaming myself for that...like I should have worked hard enough to find that connection? Grrrrrr....I''m just killing myself with all this guilt. Like she''s an angel in all this and I''m an egotistical husband who drove her away...it''s like that''s my default position from which to look at all this...and that''s what''s making it all so hard.

Nota

I think your experience is not dissimilar to people who find out after many years that their other half believes or realises that they are gay and goes off to have a same sex relationship after what you believed to be a happy marriage and happy emotional and sexual union.

If I had been in the same situation as you I think I too would be floored by my husbands actions.

Actions

I relate to what you have posted too as in many ways my problems have stemmed from what happened to me as a child and what happened to me growing into an adult in my teenage years - I was on various occasions abused and used by either friends of my parents or other teenagers or once even a total stranger on a train.

For me I began to think that I was the instigator of a lot of peoples sexual desires (and I have always had an active interest both in physical and emotional love).

During the course of my marriage I did everything I could to get a more active sexual life but didn''t even notice that we didn''t have an active emotional love life - many friends have told me since the split that I was often abused emotionally in front of them and our children and in truth my parents often tried to get me to leave my husband because I spent so many hours, days and months crying in my parents kitchen over the things that were happening behind closed doors in our relatonship (and they didn''t know about the sexual stuff - couldn''t talk to them about that) but they did know about the emotional abuse and the physical abuse as they witnessed that themselves on many occasions - both to me and the Kids.

I do think that Marshy is right in that there are plenty of caring men out there that do not believe in dominating relationships and also that because of their natures have been subjected to domination by their partners.

Samchick

I think that you are beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with vocalising your own desires. From what you have posted it is your wife who has 90% of the problems (no one is innocent or totally without responsibility).

Guilt - you suffer from guilt well I can tell you that abusive people do not suffer from guilt at all. They have grandiose, pumped up and self satisfied opinions of themselves and at the point you are no longer of any use to you out come all the reasons why it is YOU to blame - note the word BLAME - for what has happened to YOU (because they just move on and let it happen to YOU).

I had a very concerned Pm from one of the members on this site the other day about my fears that I might now have liver disease - I have hit the bottle as things have become increasingly confusing and punnishing for me just trying to get a divorce.

He told me a great piece of advice he got from another wiki member at a wik meet that you owe it to yourself to look after yourself. I 100% agree with that.

Look at your responsibilities in all of this but do NOT beat yourself to death and take on all the responsibility for what has happened in your relationship. Your wife sounds sick and a total baby - in the end we all need to grow up. For years I stated that I had a fourth child - I just counldn''t see at the time that an adult man must grow up and should not be indulged as a child - and neither should an adult woman.

Your wife, from what you have posted is extremely childish, very spiteful and is going full out to give you what you "deserve".

You don''t deserve to be treated the way you have been and you must STOP beating yourself up. You have helped me so much and I believe that you are someone who believes in making woman feel good, that you are a gentleman. Take care of yourself. Get into personal councelling with someone you get on with - I have had two different personal councellors - the first one I dropped like a stone as she thought the way to counsel me was to treat me like I would break if we had sensible discussions.

The second councellor helped me a lot. He was frank, listened and replied and did help me a lot with my very real fears that my husband was going to break in and knife me (that was the constant threat when he left and just before he left he tried to strangle me and break my back).

At that time I believed that all the sexual abuse and the physical abuse was something that I was making him do - that because I didn''t have what ever it was that I didn''t even know was wrong - sometimes it was no bananas in the fruit bowl, sometimes I was standing in the wrong place in the kitchen, sometimes it was because I didn''t look beamingly happy when he arrive home - anyway the list was endless - as soon as I had put right the last wrong another wrong would come along that I hadn''t put right.

From the sexual point of view I was adventurous and wanted regular sex but he would always withhold from me after saying he wanted it, then accept my positions (very varied and also I liked giving blow jobs) but he NEVER gave me what a woman needs, like a chat in bed, or a kiss on the neck or any sort of foreplay what so ever - whether that was physical or emotional.

Oh well, this is definately ridding me of a few ghosts and I am going to give it a go having another sexual and emotional relationship.

The gentleman in question who I am going to try with spent all day last Sunday in bed with me and we spent the day laughing and drinking tea. He told me that none of his friends would believe it "I spent the whole day in bed with a beautiful, slim tall blonde and we did nothing".

Well nothing wasn''t true but we did something - had a lovely time together, talked about ourselves and each other and helped each other a lot.

He told me and I believe him for him relationship is not about a quick shag, he has also told me if it takes three years he is going to wait ..... well it won''t take that long as it is already happening.

Hi Sam.

samchik wrote:

I can''t stop blaming myself for that...like I should have worked hard enough to find that connection? Grrrrrr....I''m just killing myself with all this guilt. Like she''s an angel in all this and I''m an egotistical husband who drove her away...it''s like that''s my default position from which to look at all this...and that''s what''s making it all so hard.

Your forgetting one thing. You couldnt help her and you couldnt connect to her. For what ever reason. And if you cant do that, its a non starter.

At the end of the day, some things are meant to be and some are not. If its not, then there isnt a lot you can do apart from learn from this. And often if something is not meant to be, no matter what we do, it just wont happen.

If you made any mistakes then it was probably at the start. This is often the case. Perhaps you should have got to know her better? Perhaps you were not strong enough at the start to admit that it was not right? Only you can answer this though.

And if you are guilty, then you have to put it behind you. U cant carry this for ever. Forgive yrself. No one is perfect and if you have made any mistakes, you should learn from them. To not learn from past mistakes is the real crime. Remember, we have all got feet of clay. C.