Love and Sex

I want to thank everybody for contributing to this thread. I have found it so useful to find that I am not alone with both my fears, past experiences, issues with children etc.

And I want to wish everybody well in finding what they wish and hope for. For those like sole ruler, dazed, mawappet, shezi for being brave enough to start new relationships....and for the rest of us - that one day we will feel in a good enough place to want to.

Like Mawappet - I sort of feel - not right for son etc - but that''s probably as much as an excuse as anything. I thought perhaps I was dried up mentally and physcially for good. (After two years alone and almost 50) I hope I''m not. I know that is not what I want - oh but the self esteem is at an all time low - and I feel ugly (But I don''t think I scare the horses)...just full of fear.

I suppose among other fears, I am afaid I do meet someone and that I am too scared to let it happen and so the situation is made worse (there''s an expression but I can''t remember it.)(Self perpetuating - is that what I mean?)

And I resent that my ex is in his ''happy new relationship'' and it is working - you know it all -

Good luck with your dreams everybody. You have made me feel less alone.

SC

I have read this thread with great interest, so here is a snapshot of where my head is at the moment.
I know I am fairly new to all of this but it has been nearly 9 months and I don''t feel much different to the way I felt at the beginning.
I can''t imagine ever being with anyone again.

I am a middle aged, older Mum, with a very young child who was much wanted and is much loved. I can''t imagine bringing anyone else into her life in the near future.

I, like some others, feel old and ugly (wouldn''t scare the horses but still wouldn''t attract them either). I also have almost no method of meeting anyone and can''t imagine Internet dating etc.

And the worse of all, because of my husbands activities that resulted in this situation, I just view the whole thought of sex as something dirty and degrading. I have no desire and no inclination, I find the whole thought of doing that again as horrid. This may change over time but I think by then it may be too late for me.

I am resigning myself so singledom.

Furball

I feel the same you are not alone in that.

Take care.

Perhaps you mean self-fulfilling prophecy too Clairie... but you are early on in the process and already have a fairly high degree of self-awareness.. I don''t think you will let that happen.

At some point we have to be prepared to stop painting dragons and fighting battles that aren''t here yet. I made a choice after my first divorce to focus on raising my children and re-training myself. It took me 15 years to remarry, by which time I thought I was ready but I think wanting to be married at that time motivated my decision to do so rather than wanting to be married to him. I''m not sure I could have articulated that at the time.

I think what I''m saying is that I would focus on nurturing your child/ren''s needs and your own for a while. In my experience, what we most need after a divorce is rest. I valued the peace - at least the peace inside my new home.

Shezi

Shezi, We should be able to click ''like'' on a post

Furball,

Your post made me think a lot. I''ll let you into a secret...I''m a psychologist by trade (for all the f%&%^ing good it''s done me) and I have spent the last 15 years thinking, reading, writing, and teaching about psychology. My specialism? Yeah...you got it...human relationships. HA...what a f%$%^ing joke.

I''ve been thinking a lot about whether I will ever "be OK alone" and whether I can learn to "be happy with myself" or to "be comfortable in my own skin and not need anyone else." We''ve all heard them...many of us are aspiring to them...and some claim they have attained them.

But I''m never sure about the idea that humans can be "complete" ("content" maybe, but "complete"?) without a deep emotional and physical bond to another person. You know, when very young children are afraid, upset, fearful, or in real emotional need it seems that they are (in genetic and evolutionary terms) designed to "seek" something from the world in order to drive away their fears, negative emotion, and terror. What do they seek? Well...parental love. How is that manifested? Usually, very physically...they are touched, soothed, and calmed by an individual who is emotionally in tune with them and their needs. Having this figure of parental love is extremely important in developing a sense of happiness, confidence,and security for the children.

So, as we get older...and we ultimately disentangle ourselves from our parents on such a physical level...what then happens to our need for comfort, closeness, emotional connection on such an intimate level? The need doesn''t just vanish...it may be inbuilt. So how do we satisfy it? Sure, friends and family can provide it...but it''s not quite the same. Our romantic partners (when all is going to plan - and even when it isn''t, we often still perceive that while they are here we have the CHANCE for such things to be available to us, even if we''re fantasising) are engaged with us on a physical level that is somewhere close (in the same ball park) to that amazing secure bond we had with parents. Partners touch us, engage in close face to face contact, sooth us, love us...we desperately need that as humans...desperately. And as I say above, even if we are with a partner where such security and warmth are not really being provided any more...often it''s enough for us to THINK we might have access to it if we REALLY needed it (i.e., he''s shit...but I have access to SOMEONE on this intimate level if I really need it...better than a kick up the arse).

With that little "hub" of security (even if it''s fraudulent), we can busy ourselves with living our life...scurrying back and forth from our emotionally secure base...safe in the knowledge that someone has "got our backs" emotionally.

So...take that away...and we''re f57ed, to put it technically. I listen to your thoughts about your loneliness, and many others on here...including myself, and I ask myself if we can ever REALLY eliminate the deep psychological NEED for that intimate bond and connection with someone else. People say they''re fine on their own, they''re happy in their own skin, they don''t need anyone. But I wonder about the truth in that? I wonder how much of that is learning to "accept" your lot? I wonder if they don''t have an internal yearning for that sort of emotional comfort and intimacy that ONLY comes from romantic love? I wonder if there isn''t repressed sadness about the lack of that bond? I wonder if such people are "complete"?

You''re in an early phase...you are grieving the loss of such a bond (even if it was a fantasy one)...that intense grief will probably die down. Maybe it''s not a fashionable thing to say on here, but I wonder if the fundamental "requirement" for a romantic attachment figure can ever simply vanish.

I have spent the last 20yrs + bouncing from one bad relation to another, been in a abusive relationship and one that ended in the other person having an affair.

Each time I have dusted myself down and moved on usually far to quickly and without making sure the person I was involved with was ''right for me'' often i have been involved with people who ''needed'' me. i was going to be able to ''fix'' them.

Finally I gave myself time and learnt to recognise my own insecurities that were leading to me making the same mistake over and over again.

I started to believe in myself in work and in my personal life, only now do i understand what is important to me in a relationship and what i am expecting. I have learnt that i cant change people and although truthfully i do occasionally try to change my partner i realise that i have to accept his faults (as he accepts mine) and when something upsets me we talk it through.

As to the orginal concept of the post, sex is important in a relationship but communication is the key to success.