Love and Sex

Sam, there is little point in beating yourself with that huge stick; separation and divorce give us plenty of lessons to learn from.

After my divorce I chose to stay single for 6 years, no boyfriends, no intimacy, nothing. My choice. I had been so hurt I felt it was better for me, and my children to be on our own. I had plenty of friends so company was not in short supply but that special someone was always missing, no one to snuggle up on the sofa with. It hit me hard when I took my little boy to the beach for the day, he was jumping waves and misjudged one and got completely wiped out by a wave. I was in hysterics for all of thirty seconds as there was no one to share that moment with. It made me realise I wanted to meet someone. I was ready.

I met my boyfriend 6 months later. (2 and a half years ago now). He had been in a marriage of 12 years and he was sexually stunted, lights off, once every 8/10 weeks (if he was lucky), no tenderness, not allowed to touch or be touched and made to feel dirty at the end of it (get off and get some tissue) and he initially struggled to accept the loving I have shown him, but now, the intimacy we share and the fact that we can talk openly and candidly about our sexual relationship has only served to improve it. The acts of love we show each other now are thoroughly enjoyed by both of us as we have an open line of communication. He says he feels liberated but it has taken a while to get to this point, for him to learn it is ok to be touched and to touch back and to show all those feelings that he boxed up for 12 years.

It can be difficult to move on from mismatched, incompatible sexual partners but given time and with communication it can be enjoyed and built on with the right person.

He sounds like me although it doesn''t make it right what I done but the difference in me is there for all to see.

Mwahppet wrote:

Sam, there is little point in beating yourself with that huge stick; separation and divorce give us plenty of lessons to learn from.

After my divorce I chose to stay single for 6 years, no boyfriends, no intimacy, nothing. My choice. I had been so hurt I felt it was better for me, and my children to be on our own. I had plenty of friends so company was not in short supply but that special someone was always missing, no one to snuggle up on the sofa with. It hit me hard when I took my little boy to the beach for the day, he was jumping waves and misjudged one and got completely wiped out by a wave. I was in hysterics for all of thirty seconds as there was no one to share that moment with. It made me realise I wanted to meet someone. I was ready.

I met my boyfriend 6 months later. (2 and a half years ago now). He had been in a marriage of 12 years and he was sexually stunted, lights off, once every 8/10 weeks (if he was lucky), no tenderness, not allowed to touch or be touched and made to feel dirty at the end of it (get off and get some tissue) and he initially struggled to accept the loving I have shown him, but now, the intimacy we share and the fact that we can talk openly and candidly about our sexual relationship has only served to improve it. The acts of love we show each other now are thoroughly enjoyed by both of us as we have an open line of communication. He says he feels liberated but it has taken a while to get to this point, for him to learn it is ok to be touched and to touch back and to show all those feelings that he boxed up for 12 years.

It can be difficult to move on from mismatched, incompatible sexual partners but given time and with communication it can be enjoyed and built on with the right person.

MW

You inspire hope and glad to hear tht both you and your new partner have found a level of intimacy and love that was missing in your previous relationship.

I have told the man I am now involved with that I do love him for what he is but that I do not believe that we will be right for each other for ever - maybe I am stupid to think that because when I was with my husband although totally mismatched (I see that with the benefit of hindsight having taken my rose tinted spectacles off) I did believe that union was forever (marriage).

The man in question says that he understands how I feel but I have stated that I am really worried thta I am going to hurt him in the future when I believe at some point our relationship has run its course.

I suppose what I am thinking is how on earth can we be sure of how we will feel or what will happen to us in the future but we can only do the best to do the right thing for ourselves and others in the here and now.

I relate to what MW has said about thinking about her children as my children all have a different view on me getting into a new relationship. My daughter (who lives with me) doesn''t want me in a relationship with any of the men who have made advances towards me since husband left, my eldest son (who lives with me and has Downs Syndrome) stops random strangers in the street and has got down on one knee to a couple of my guests and made a proposal for marriage on my behalf for them to marry me! That has been somewhat embarrassing for me and them but what my son wants more than anything is for me to be in a marriage and him to have a father who loves him (he calls husband ex-dad and always refers to him by his Christian name).

Our youngest son lives with husband and new wife and never speaks to me so I am not sure whether he would like to see me happy and in another relationship or not or whether he believes that his Dad deserves to be happy and I do not, or whether he really couldn''t give a toss.

All I know is that I want to be happy, would love to be equally matched one day and that I want all my children to be happy too.

Life is certainly complicated.

I''ve been reading these comments with great interest but there is something bothering me which is kind of linked - although not specifically about sex...

So, my marriage ended & I think the sexual incompatibility was a huge part of that - together with the lack of communication about it. It really did become the elephant in the room.

In a new relationship, given what we''ve all been through - how then do we know it''s "right"?. I''m not actually sure I know what "right" is anymore. I knew there were issues with my ex but I married for life & kind of thought we would work our way through it. It''s different in a new relationship though - getting used to someone new has been very difficult for me. We get on well, the sex is good but does that make it right? I know I have been so hurt by what happened at the end of my marriage that I hold part of me back.

I am just pondering htings - when I married, I thought it was the fairytale (silly? probably - but I am still a romaitic at heart). Is the fairytale an outdated concept or a little girls dream or an achievable aim?

Dazed. x

I think you just answered your own question in there somewhere, Dazed...

I''ve married for life - twice! How can that be?! You say this:

I knew there were issues with my ex but I married for life & kind of thought we would work our way through it.

There will be issues in any marriage right? My default response to an issue is to work it through. it sounds like yours is too. Compatibility has to be based on the willingness to compromise, the desire to work through whatever comes up. Like you, it''s taken me quite some time to learn I can trust but I got there. What I''m putting my faith in now is in being in a relationship with someone who is as committed to working things through as I am. That''s my fairytale

Shezi

HI SR.

soulruler wrote:

At that time I believed that all the sexual abuse and the physical abuse was something that I was making him do - that because I didn''t have what ever it was that I didn''t even know was wrong - sometimes it was no bananas in the fruit bowl, sometimes I was standing in the wrong place in the kitchen, sometimes it was because I didn''t look beamingly happy when he arrive home - anyway the list was endless - as soon as I had put right the last wrong another wrong would come along that I hadn''t put right.

What you said rang a bell for me. My ex was manipulative and abusive. And I used to put up with it cos I am a man and I can take it. Which I now know is stupid.

But I never used to know what wife I would come home to. Could it be the bad cop? Could it be the good cop? If something had happened, no matter what it was, it was my fault. I used to joke with her that Global Warming was my fault. But it was no joke really.

And I had to look totally happy when I came home. And I couldnt be tired. I used to do on call. And often I would be called out in the middle of the night. And then I had to do a full day as well. And I was shattered to be honest. And the last thing I want to do is watch a load of naked people getting jiggy with it. And I just felt used.

And you know the funny thing? I got the blame for all this. Its a funny world. C.

I''ve been watching this thread with interest.

That''s because my marriage left me with a very confused view of the relationship between sex and love.

My long term partner and I had regular and what I thought of as very satisfying sex right up until the end. Actually, looking back it was a very distressing, emotionally sterile experience for me, that eroded my confidence to an enormous degree. I craved emotional closeness and thought I''d get it that way, because I couldn''t seem to connect with him any other way. He just wanted regular sex, I think.

So for me sex didn''t disappear when emotional closeness did. I think what was happening was there for me to see had I chosen to open my eyes. And I think if I had opened my eyes I might be a lot less damaged and fragile now.

I think we should just have the strength to know ourselves and how we tick and also to speak up when our personal boundaries are being crossed. So I don''t think self-flagellation, samchick particularly, is a way forward. Self awareness and learning from the past are though. I find my past tough to deal with, makes me defensive and cynical. But hey, who cares? Romantic/sexual relationships aren''t the be-all and end-all anyway. Haven''t you seen ''The Voice'' I mean?!